Part of my journey, my walk with Jesus, is my walk through places I do not want to go, places I do not want to be. That is true of everyone he calls; it is true of everyone who follows him.
A month ago yesterday my book was released. For the last month, I’ve been able to talk about things I believe passionately. Today, I go to see an oncologist to talk about starting chemo to attack the very slow-growing tumor that remains in my head.
For the last several years, my tumor has been part of my story. I was diagnosed with it on Palm Sunday morning 2003, told I probably didn’t have very long to live, received lots of prayers, 9+ hours of brain surgery, and a bunch of MRIs ever since to figure out what is going on and what to do about it. All of this, obviously, is a big part of Tempting Faith — both the story in the book and the reasons why I wrote.
The medical upside is that what I face isn’t “acute” — my life isn’t in any immediate danger. I’ve got a “chronic” illness — one that I get to deal with for a long time. And the drugs aren’t that bad. I don’t lose hair or any of that stuff.
Those are all the things I say to make myself feel better.
As to the rest? I don’t know. Part of me is angry at God. Why me? Why now? What next? Where are you? Are you real? Part of me is just scared. What happens? Part of me feels alone even though I am so deeply loved by so many. Part of me just wants to run away — anyone up for an extended trip to the Amalfi coast in Italy? But all of me knows that I just have to get on my knees again and surrender my life to God and trust him and realize that through all of this I am walking with Jesus.
But that is so hard for me right now. I don’t want to do it. I want to walk with God, but I want that walk to take me through better places. I suppose that isn’t my choice.