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Jesus Needs New PR

Warning: This is post is pointless. POINTLESS!! Seriously…

Yes, this is a post about absolutely nothing–pure satanic NOTHING.

The following are 5 things I think Satan had a hand in making…

1) LINEN

I hate linen. Why? Because I think it’s a godless fabric that should go back to the wrinkly HELL from which it came. My theory is that Satan invented linen right after God invented the electric iron. Because Satan is always trying to spoil God’s stuff! And everybody knows that the iron–even when it’s set on the “linen” setting, SUCKS at getting the wrinkles out.

And too, my mother always said, “you can’t got to church wearing wrinkled pants!” Why? Because God hates wrinkles. Which MEANS… he hates linen. Because even if you leave the house wearing non-wrinkled linen, by the time you sit down in your car, your linen clothes look like a topography map of the Rocky Mountains.

Of course, because I believe this, I am also forced to believe that Satan also made Shar Pei dogs and Mother Theresa.

2) WORDS THAT END WITH “HEA”

Words that end with hea are ugly God-forsaken words. Usually when you have something called something ending with hea, it means you need to to see professional! And when you go and see that professional, he/she will definitely wear gloves and then shower after you leave. Because nothing that’s good, true, and of good report ends with hea–but this is ESPECIALLY true when the two letters prior to hea happen to be Rs–because the suffix rrhea means flow, discharge. And you know nearly every kind of discharge was invented by Satan. Which MEANS, it’s UNCLEAN… and you belong in a tent out in the backyard away from everybody…

Consider these words…
Amenorrhea (Sounds like an Old Testament city defeated by Joshua!!)
Dysmenorrhea
Diarrhea (Mission trip to Mexico syndrome)
Galactorrhea (An STD that Princess Lea contracted from Luke…)
Gonorrhea (APPLAUD!!!)
Leukorrhea
Logorrhea
Pyorrhea
Seborrhea
Steatorrhea

3) Knit Ties

NOW YOU KNOW THAT SATAN MADE KNIT TIES! Because he/she/it hates us. Or at least, hated me when I was a kid… At my Christian school, Wednesday was “tie day”–and since the majority of my schooling years was in the 1980s, four of the seven ties that I owned during high school were knit. Which meant I only ever wore three ties. Why? Because knit ties are UN-FREAKIN’-TIEable! And when you do get them tied, they NEVER look like the tie in the above picture. I could never get the front end of a knit tie to hang lower than the back end. And yes, in the 80s we tucked the back end of our ties through the space between the first and second buttons of our shirts–but I’m pretty sure the back end wasn’t supposed to dangle so low that tucking it into one’s underwear was a requirement. (Though sometimes I did that just for fun… I’m kidding! Okay, I did it ONCE when I was like FOURTEEN SEVENTEEN. Sheesh.)

4) Phil Joel Ke$ha

And no, I don’t think Satan made Ke$ha. But he/she/it definitely made her music. Why? Because it’s the most insanely catch musical crap ever made. But never on the first listen. The first time I heard “Tik Tok” I thought to myself, “This sucks” (Change the station…). The second listen I thought “Who is this chick who can’t sing?!” (Turned the volume down). Third listen I said, “Swagger? Mick Jagger? Is that what she sang?” (Turn volume up…) By the fourth listen, I hated “Tik Tok” but I was also addicted to it.

The same was true when I heard “Your Love is a Drug”–THIS SONG SUCKS! But it grew on me like mold.

Then, when “We R Who We R” released, I thought, “OK, she’s finally done it; she’s gone and released crap so bad–Wait, did she just say Jesus?”

Musical manure that lures you in and makes you step in it (and LIKE stepping in it) is always made by the Evil One…

5) DORA!!!

Satan LOVES Dora! Or at least I think Satan LOVES Dora! Why? Because I hate Dora; that’s why! Nickelodeon’s little bilingual skipping multi-racial mascot gets on every one of my last los nervios.

I seriously hate that animated niña pequeña….

I hate how every one of her little friends have eyes, mouths (but rarely noses!) and talk like 12-year-old kids. Her book bag talks. Her toaster talks. Her toothbrush talks (Who wants a TALKING tooth brush?!) The elephant, snake, and beaver she skips around with on every episode talk too. AND of course they all speak English AND Spanish… and they’re all such little braggers.

And I’m all about my son learning Spanish! I’ve already taught him how to say hola!

But I don’t want him learning how to speak it from Demon Dora! Yeah… Demon. Dora. That’s what I said.

Because she smiles too much and you can’t trust cartoon characters that smile too much (or drool).  And she’s a liar! No, really, she is… because you know how she’s always trying to get us to help her friends solve puzzles?! Well, I know for a fact that she already knows the answers to those puzzles! She’s just trying to make my kid (as well as her friends) look stupid because he doesn’t know the answers yet.

I hate Dora. And too, spelled backwards, her name is Arod, as in A Rod. Get it? Fine! It means nothing… but If Sarah Palin had written that, some of you would totally back her up because you feel sorry for her… I won’t mention names…

Again, pointless. But once in a while pointless is exactly what we I need…

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