Jesus Needs New PR

Jesus Needs New PR

WARNING: Five Things Made by Satan!!!

Warning: This is post is pointless. POINTLESS!! Seriously…

Yes, this is a post about absolutely nothing–pure satanic NOTHING.

The following are 5 things I think Satan had a hand in making…


I hate linen. Why? Because I think it’s a godless fabric that should go back to the wrinkly HELL from which it came. My theory is that Satan invented linen right after God invented the electric iron. Because Satan is always trying to spoil God’s stuff! And everybody knows that the iron–even when it’s set on the “linen” setting, SUCKS at getting the wrinkles out.


And too, my mother always said, “you can’t got to church wearing wrinkled pants!” Why? Because God hates wrinkles. Which MEANS… he hates linen. Because even if you leave the house wearing non-wrinkled linen, by the time you sit down in your car, your linen clothes look like a topography map of the Rocky Mountains.

Of course, because I believe this, I am also forced to believe that Satan also made Shar Pei dogs and Mother Theresa.



Words that end with hea are ugly God-forsaken words. Usually when you have something called something ending with hea, it means you need to to see professional! And when you go and see that professional, he/she will definitely wear gloves and then shower after you leave. Because nothing that’s good, true, and of good report ends with hea–but this is ESPECIALLY true when the two letters prior to hea happen to be Rs–because the suffix rrhea means flow, discharge. And you know nearly every kind of discharge was invented by Satan. Which MEANS, it’s UNCLEAN… and you belong in a tent out in the backyard away from everybody…


Consider these words…
Amenorrhea (Sounds like an Old Testament city defeated by Joshua!!)
Diarrhea (Mission trip to Mexico syndrome)
Galactorrhea (An STD that Princess Lea contracted from Luke…)
Gonorrhea (APPLAUD!!!)

3) Knit Ties

NOW YOU KNOW THAT SATAN MADE KNIT TIES! Because he/she/it hates us. Or at least, hated me when I was a kid… At my Christian school, Wednesday was “tie day”–and since the majority of my schooling years was in the 1980s, four of the seven ties that I owned during high school were knit. Which meant I only ever wore three ties. Why? Because knit ties are UN-FREAKIN’-TIEable! And when you do get them tied, they NEVER look like the tie in the above picture. I could never get the front end of a knit tie to hang lower than the back end. And yes, in the 80s we tucked the back end of our ties through the space between the first and second buttons of our shirts–but I’m pretty sure the back end wasn’t supposed to dangle so low that tucking it into one’s underwear was a requirement. (Though sometimes I did that just for fun… I’m kidding! Okay, I did it ONCE when I was like FOURTEEN SEVENTEEN. Sheesh.)


4) Phil Joel Ke$ha

And no, I don’t think Satan made Ke$ha. But he/she/it definitely made her music. Why? Because it’s the most insanely catch musical crap ever made. But never on the first listen. The first time I heard “Tik Tok” I thought to myself, “This sucks” (Change the station…). The second listen I thought “Who is this chick who can’t sing?!” (Turned the volume down). Third listen I said, “Swagger? Mick Jagger? Is that what she sang?” (Turn volume up…) By the fourth listen, I hated “Tik Tok” but I was also addicted to it.


The same was true when I heard “Your Love is a Drug”–THIS SONG SUCKS! But it grew on me like mold.

Then, when “We R Who We R” released, I thought, “OK, she’s finally done it; she’s gone and released crap so bad–Wait, did she just say Jesus?”

Musical manure that lures you in and makes you step in it (and LIKE stepping in it) is always made by the Evil One…


5) DORA!!!

Satan LOVES Dora! Or at least I think Satan LOVES Dora! Why? Because I hate Dora; that’s why! Nickelodeon’s little bilingual skipping multi-racial mascot gets on every one of my last los nervios.

I seriously hate that animated niña pequeña….

I hate how every one of her little friends have eyes, mouths (but rarely noses!) and talk like 12-year-old kids. Her book bag talks. Her toaster talks. Her toothbrush talks (Who wants a TALKING tooth brush?!) The elephant, snake, and beaver she skips around with on every episode talk too. AND of course they all speak English AND Spanish… and they’re all such little braggers.


And I’m all about my son learning Spanish! I’ve already taught him how to say hola!

But I don’t want him learning how to speak it from Demon Dora! Yeah… Demon. Dora. That’s what I said.

Because she smiles too much and you can’t trust cartoon characters that smile too much (or drool).  And she’s a liar! No, really, she is… because you know how she’s always trying to get us to help her friends solve puzzles?! Well, I know for a fact that she already knows the answers to those puzzles! She’s just trying to make my kid (as well as her friends) look stupid because he doesn’t know the answers yet.


I hate Dora. And too, spelled backwards, her name is Arod, as in A Rod. Get it? Fine! It means nothing… but If Sarah Palin had written that, some of you would totally back her up because you feel sorry for her… I won’t mention names…

Again, pointless. But once in a while pointless is exactly what we I need…

Comments read comments(38)
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Brandon Hatmaker

posted January 27, 2011 at 12:13 am

Ke$ha. Hilarious and true.

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Alchemist Gosai

posted January 27, 2011 at 12:18 am

Actually Dora is Nickelodeon not Disney. Handy Mandy would be the Disney equivalent. Talking tools could be just as bad.

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted January 27, 2011 at 12:21 am

    You’re right! Thanks for the catch… :)

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Bob Chapman

posted January 27, 2011 at 12:27 am

You did not mention “Hello, Kitty.”

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posted January 27, 2011 at 12:39 am

I can not argue with this list,…especially Dora. I beg my kids to use their “inside voice” and then Dora comes on screaming at the top of her animated hispanic lungs about how they need to cross the magical river or climb the gumdrop mountain or some nonsense and the result is always daddy face palming.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 12:43 am

Aaahh. I can breathe now. I love this not-so-serious post. Occasionally, it gets a little uncivil on these posts.

I totally agree with every thing you said, except I would replace knit ties with knit tights. They were either too long or too short, only fitting for one day, not to mention how hot they were.

Having a one year old, I would do anything to get rid of Dora, but especially Elmo. I think it’s programs like these that have directly contributed to the increase in ADHD children. I mean no offense to those struggling with this disability, these shows are all too much.

Great list!

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Charlie's Church of Christ

posted January 27, 2011 at 12:50 am

Wal-Mart? Must be number 6.

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    posted January 27, 2011 at 1:38 am

    actually, Walmart had a very suprising ad over the CHRISTmas season… i was in the theatres and this ad came on … it had the troops and in the background God bless America was playing… then it switched to a Christmas scene… and Oh Holy Night was playing… after switching back and forth between the 2 songs (mentioning God, Jesus, Savior…) it said Merry Christmas (dont see that alot these days) – WALmart… WHAT??? did that just say WALmart??? yes it did :p i give them HUGE props for that add :)

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      posted January 27, 2011 at 8:26 am

      “CHRISTmas season”

      Are you forgetting that Jewish people celebrate Hanukkah during that season?

      “Happy Holidays” is a perfectly acceptable sentiment for people who don’t want to be obnoxious jerks.

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        posted January 27, 2011 at 1:30 pm

        Or for those of us who realize there’s actually more than one Christian holiday during the months of December and January. 😉

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          posted January 27, 2011 at 2:03 pm

          I’m pretty sure Bree knows there are other holidays. Of course I’m just guessing.

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Travis Mamone

posted January 27, 2011 at 6:29 am

Is it just me, or does Ke$ha always look/sound like she’s on drugs?

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posted January 27, 2011 at 7:28 am

But also, if Sarah Palin had written that, some people would think she had a hit out on both A Rod, and Dora…and knit ties.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 7:34 am

But linen is so cool in the summer time–perfect for Hell!

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posted January 27, 2011 at 7:41 am

Ke$ha = truth.

I hate that I love Ke$ha, but I so completely do.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 7:49 am

Dude! That’s freakin’ hilarious. I loved it all. Pointless is good sometimes because our brains need to relax a little. Feel free to keep the pointless coming. Loved it.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 8:06 am

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Thank you for the laugh this morning. I really needed it!

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posted January 27, 2011 at 8:20 am

Swiper… No Swiping!!! aaaaaah!!!!!

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    Jess P

    posted January 27, 2011 at 9:32 am

    It’s too late! You’re never going to find it now!

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posted January 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

LOL! Imagine wearing a linen shirt with a knit tie while carrying a Dora lunchbox and listening to Ke$ha while suffering from diarrhea.

The most Evil. Thing. Evah!!!

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    posted January 27, 2011 at 8:48 am

    haha! That is so ridiculous and hilarious at the same time! I just tried to imagine that and I literally laughed out loud.

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      posted January 27, 2011 at 9:44 pm

      Tee hee hee!


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posted January 27, 2011 at 8:49 am

Best post ever. Ever.

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Matt Thompson

posted January 27, 2011 at 8:50 am

I think it needs to be mentioned that Satan cannot be credited with creating anything. It is God who creates, and Satan who perverts His creation (John 1:1-5).

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posted January 27, 2011 at 8:55 am

those rrhea’s keep me in business.
ichorrhea (medical term for particularly icky)
oligomenorrhea (a lady thing. be glad if you’re a guy)
rhinorrhea (not that bad, means runny nose. but runny nose doesn’t sound medical enough)

I’m pretty sure people spelling British-like have to find a way to stick an o in there.

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Carole Turner

posted January 27, 2011 at 9:06 am

I agree 100% with 4 of these, I actually like Dora :-)

I have said on more then one occasion that Linen is the fashion worlds “emperor’s new clothes”. See what happen was, one day, way back when, a big wig in the fashion industry said to his minions, “Hey, lets tell everyone that this ugly wrinkly stuff is luxurious, that it’s what the rich people where, that it looks great and is comfortable because it ‘breaths’. Yea, it looks like a pile of runny cat crap, but if we all tell people that it looks great, the media will repeat us, we can all wear it and act like we think it looks great, and they will start to believe us instead of their eyes. If we can pull this off now, I believe that one day we will be able to get egg shaped guys to wear skinny jeans. We have that power.”

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Ric Booth

posted January 27, 2011 at 9:24 am

I think you forgot nauserea.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 9:42 am

Now mpt, you made a big list of complaints of what you find wrong with those atrocities. But I don’t see you doing anything about them. You don’t have any SOLUTIONS! What’s the point in…oh wait. This is a pointless post. Maybe I should chill.

All kidding aside, this post made me laugh out loud. Good stuff. 😀

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posted January 27, 2011 at 9:58 am

Ha! I hate Dora because they always blink so much when they ask a question. Seriously, nobody blinks that much.

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Joel M

posted January 27, 2011 at 10:15 am


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    posted January 28, 2011 at 11:22 am

    that was my response too!!!!! so glad I could ‘share’ that moment – nobody out here in PCUSA-ville would get it.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 10:39 am

Have a 4 year old. HATE dora. I get my sanity back by watching Conquista Dora every once in while.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 10:53 am

Princess *Leah* =)

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posted January 27, 2011 at 11:39 am

HAHA! Love the note about knit ties. I absolutely hated, HATED, those things. As a fellow child of the 80s I had to wear those ties frequently, traveling around with my song evangelist parents. The worst ensemble was the white oxford shirt, red knit tie, blue pants, AND (wait for it) the red suspenders with metal clasps. I felt like a mixture of both Uncle Sam and Pee Wee Herman.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 11:54 am

I don’t even understand linen and hailing from the South, it was forced upon me. I do not find it comfortable AT ALL. Even if I love the style of a piece of clothing, if it’s linen, it’s out.

I would like to add wool to that list but only because I am allergic to it and it makes me itch. Which I cannot blame on Satan. Or can I?????

No, wool comes from lambs, which are totally of God.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

The Ke$ha comment was pretty much HILARIOUS!

But don’t hate on Dora. She’s saving the next generation of little ninos from being ridiculed for being incredibly tan on the outside a not knowing a lick of Spanish. Down here in TX, we’re called “Twinkies”….Brown on the outside but not so much on the inside….Just cruel. Lol.

Let me leave you with this scenario…21 year old 100% Mexican-American young lady innocently shopping in the produce section being mercilessly taunted by some little 5 yr brat flaunting her bilingual awesomeness seamlessly switching between English & Spanish…… If Dora aired a little sooner would this be 100% preventable??? I think so.

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posted January 27, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Poor Dora. LOL As fully bilingual woman, who is trying very hard to raise my biracial child to be bilingual (confused yet?)I appreciate every little help I can get. Handy Manny is good too. I actually wish they spoke more Spanish than they do. But the best way to help your kids learn Spanish is to turn on Univision on Saturday mornings. ALL of the shows are fully in Spanish.

MPT, here’s another word to teach Elias: Adios. Once he learns that he’ll have both ends of a conversation covered.

Vanessa, you’re still on time to learn Spanish. I learned Italian in college. Good luck.

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