Beliefnet
Jesus Needs New PR

"So listen, I'm Jesus, and I'm like AWESOME. Honest to God, I'm the way, the truth, and the life! Seriously, no one gets to God unless they go through me. So... who wants to go with me to next year's Catalyst conference?" -Jesus

"Yeah, he definitely feels warm. Is he drinking fluids?" -Jesus

"You're name is Billy?! Really? Wow. Anybody ever tell you that you look like a Maria?" -Jesus

"Yeah, I know; the Bible says that I just LOVE going around searching for lost little lambs. But next time you leave the flock, I'll be pulling out the crockpot. Besides, you've got a blemish or two." -Jesus

"Oh, it's true. I really do love everybody. Even Native Americans. I just liked the Pilgrims a little more because they actually liked me back. By the way, did you know that your glands are swollen?" -Jesus

"It's so cute that your daddy thinks he has himself a little football player, but sadly, you're going to be a dancer, a really good dancer." -Jesus

"Oh, don't let the sparkles scare you. This is just what happens when I'm around white people." -Jesus

"So you want to follow me? That's awesome! Are you good with people? Do you mind taking long walks and listening to long lectures? How comfortable are you with being crucified upside down? Ha! I'm just kidding! But you are cool with pyramid schemes, right?" -Jesus

"Oh, that's it! I'm gonna kick your behind all the way to Afghanistan. You know very well what I said about sitting in lotus position." -Jesus

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