Jesus Needs New PR

Jesus Needs New PR

Cue the biblical conspiracy theorists!

According to The Daily Beast…

Barak: Israel Willing to Split Jerusalem

We’ll believe it when we hear it from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu: Israeli Defense Minister and former Prime Minister Ehud Barak tells Haaretz that his government is willing to split Jerusalem, a reversal for a regime that had previously insisted that Jerusalem “remain the undivided capital of Israel.” Barak says, “West Jerusalem and 12 Jewish neighborhoods that are home to 200,000 residents will be ours. The Arab neighborhoods, in which close to a quarter million Palestinians live, will be theirs. There will be a special regime in place along with agreed upon arrangements in the Old City, the Mount of Olives and the City of David.”


Uh oh.

No doubt the biblical prophesy peeps are jumping up and down about this! I’m betting that John Hagee has already contacted his publisher with a new book idea, possibly called It’s Once Again the End of the World As We Know It–and I’m Excited To Sell You This Book!

And uh, is it an accident that I found this news from a website called The Daily (Mark of the) BEAST. I think not. It’s a sign!

Here’s what’s going to happen…

1. Pat Robertson will babble something mean and unintelligent about all of this being because of gays and lesbian.

2. Sarah Palin will make remarks implying that President Obama is a Muslim, and thus, a potential candidate for Anti-Christ.


3. Franklin Graham will chat with Anderson Cooper about the one occasion when he prayed with President Obama, but then confess that he still could be the Anti-Christ and blame President Obama’s father’s semen.

4. Wednesday Night church meetings at Baptist and Pentecostal churches will begin focusing on End Times theology (Cue the onslaught of hideous fear-filled book covers and bible study handbooks from Lifeway!)

5. Katy Perry will go on tour.

6. “We Love You, Israel!” lapel pins will begin showing up on people’s ties and jacket collars…

7. Christians will once again forget that a large population of the Palestinians living in Jerusalem are followers of Jesus

8. You’ll consider taking that once-in-a-lifetime trip to the Holy Lands with your favorite Christian talk radio host

9. Fox News will keep us afraid.

10. And God? He’ll remain the same.

Comments read comments(23)
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posted September 2, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I think you forgot one:

11) Glenn Beck will March on Jerusalem and somehow find a way to blame this on “social justice” and liberals in America.

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posted September 2, 2010 at 12:55 pm

You forgot one more: David Jeremiah.

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ed cyzewski

posted September 2, 2010 at 12:58 pm

They’d better hurry up and build the new temple before the city is divided… Gosh. Get moving Zionists!

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posted September 2, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Love number 10. Kinda brings some light to the situation, eh?

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    posted September 2, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    ^ Love it too! Haha! That should be the only thing on the list!

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James Stillwell

posted September 2, 2010 at 1:10 pm

I love number five. I REALLY love number seven. Pray for peace, peeps.

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Travis Mamone

posted September 2, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Now I’m not expert in eschatology, but I find most Christians who go bat sh*t crazy over Israel base their eschatology more on right-winged paranoia than the Bible.

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posted September 2, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Your forecast is spot on! …sad to say.

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Tracy Fitzgerald

posted September 2, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Based on my own admittedly limited understanding of the many eschatological prophetic predictors and predictions that have come before, I would go with: “THE END IS PAST! THE END IS PAST” How many times must one be wrong before realizing you’re not right?

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posted September 2, 2010 at 1:55 pm

LOL, that was a funny list. It’s so much easier to be a Preterist. :)

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posted September 2, 2010 at 2:39 pm

While there are many who twist the bible to fit their agenda of the end times, we must not forget the Van Impe’s.
Last week’s episode was filled with hatred for Obama and Muslims.
Half an hour was spent completely bashing Islam. It was the ugliest “christian” statements I’ve ever heard regarding another religion. The ironic twist at the end was when Rexella quoted scripture with “kindness” repeated a couple of times. Disgusting.
Gotta watch this week to see what he says about this. Can’t wait for my fundagelical family to tell me how terrible I am for voting for the anti-christ.

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Joseph Crenshaw

posted September 2, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Wait until Jack Van Impe gets a hold of this news, probably time for a new book and new DVD.

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posted September 2, 2010 at 4:59 pm

If Obama really is the anti-christ, christians should’ve voted for him so that the End Times and Jesus would come back sooner.

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Brian W.

posted September 2, 2010 at 5:26 pm

How about instead of focusing so much on futurism we instead look at our collective present? As Bonhoeffer once wrote, we weren’t there at the beginning, and we still haven’t seen the end, so we must instead focus on where we are right now: the middle. Should we care about the eschaton? Sure, I suppose, but all the infighting over the proper interpretation of Revelation distracts us from our God-given mission to be salt and light to a world that needs hope and love.

I don’t give a crap when the eschaton comes, or how it happens, or even if I can or cannot help usher it in. I know that my brother and my sister are hurting. And until none of them is hurting, I cannot stop doing whatever is in my power to love them and lift them up.

Thanks, Matthew, for No. 10 on this list. God is still the same. God is still the one who loves in freedom and the one who died for us. God is still the one who sees us naked in our sinfulness and, through Christ, says “Yes!” passionately and enthusiastically.

Bénis-nous, Jésus le Christ, toi dont l’amour est plus grand que notre coeur.

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posted September 2, 2010 at 6:17 pm

What about John Hagee? Is He still around?

Excuse me, I have to go outside, the rapture should be here soon.:)

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    Joseph Crenshaw

    posted September 3, 2010 at 10:06 am

    I thought John Hagee left the country when a democrat was re-elected President?

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Carole Turner

posted September 2, 2010 at 7:09 pm

In my 43 years alive I can’t even begin to tell you how many possible “anti-Christ” there have been. It will be interesting to see the hysteria this causes with the “end times” folks.

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Steve D

posted September 2, 2010 at 7:14 pm

I’ve figured this out, MPT, you’re just trying to sell those Rapture Hatches that Darrell has over at Stuff Fundies Like

Nice try, but when the rapture comes, I’m running out of the house and into the fields. I want nothing between me and my Lord!

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posted September 2, 2010 at 10:03 pm

Am I the only one who’s concerned for that poor ginger kid?!

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Charlie's Church of Christ

posted September 3, 2010 at 12:23 am

oh geez my lips can’t handle anymore biting when the next round of end times books come out.

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posted September 3, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Loving number 10.


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posted September 4, 2010 at 3:41 pm

No doubt there will be a run on prophecy books at my bookstore. Thanks for the heads up.

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Gary Held

posted September 6, 2010 at 7:05 am

In all the ensuing dispensational hysteria, how pathetic the book-buyers won’t give a thought to how negotiating a peace and a more equitable settlement might save some people from getting blown up. And that’s just for openers.

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