Jesus Needs New PR

Okay, so by now you’ve probably heard the news: A lot of Christians are intellectually challenged when it comes to matters of faith.

Well, duh. They call that news? Of course, we failed the test. Sheesh. What did people expect?

It was administered by liberals!!!!!

(i.e… smart people)

But seriously, BIG DEAL… so the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life found that the average Protestant and Roman Catholic in America is sort of dumb when it comes to religion… WHO CARES?!

We don’t…

Oh… I almost forgot… the study also found that Jews, Mormons, agnostics, and atheists are like totally major religious smarty pants.

Does this really surprise anybody?! Golly gee, were you born again yesterday?

But seriously, who cares? Like who cares?! We have Jesus in our hearts and they don’t.

Who’s laughing now?!


Yes… all of those other people are really smart but they are going to burn in Hell. See? That’s the trade off for being smart in this world…

Eternity in Hell. (That’s a really long time.)

Now do you see why we’re dumb? Do you see it?! We can’t become more intelligent than our belief in Hell…

Anyway, the basics of the study is this…

On average, Americans correctly answer 16 of the 32 religious knowledge questions on the survey by the Pew Research Center’s Forum on Religion & Public Life. Atheists and agnostics average 20.9 correct answers. Jews and Mormons do about as well, averaging 20.5 and 20.3 correct answers, respectively. Protestants as a whole average 16 correct answers; Catholics as a whole, 14.7. Atheists and agnostics, Jews and Mormons perform better than other groups on the survey even after controlling for differing levels of education.

Okay… so the media is like BLOWING this news out of proportion. We scored a 50%! Yes, we got half of the answers wrong… but we also got half of the answers right?! Why don’t they talk about that.

And you know very well the dirty rotten liberals at the Pew Forum (P.U. Forum, if you ask me!) probably performed this study in the lobby of a convention center where Joyce Meyer was having one of her conferences. Sheesh. I guess we should be thanking our lucky stars that we got 50% of the answer correct.

And my gosh… what is up with you Roman Catholics?! Seriously, you’re stupider than us evangelicals. (I think it’s because you guys believe in transubstantiation. Just a guess.)

Okay, so on to the point of this post: Why did America’s Christians fail the religion 101 test?

Here are my 11 guesses…

  1. Well, like duh… Christianity isn’t a religion… it’s a RELATIONSHIP. (Now who are the dumb dumbs?) Questions about Christianity shouldn’t have even been on the test.
  2. The Apostle Paul said that knowledge puffeth up! So there. All you Jesusless people are fatties. (We are skinny.)
  3. Alabama has A LOT of Christians. Seriously, it does. And sometimes they aren’t too bright.
  4. Faith is the evidence of things unseen. See?! Get it? It don’t take brains to have faith, people! Duh.
  5. There were questions about Lucifer’s religions on that test! Of course, we didn’t know the answers. We shun all the things that Lucifer loves! (And like, hello?–he’s a Muslim.)
  6. Fox News was not involved in this particular study… if they had, the results would have been soooooo different.
  7. Better is one day being a dumbass in the presence of the Lord than like a hundred billion million as a smart atheist.
  8. Sarah Palin took the test. We should have been given a curve. It’s not really our fault that she’s not a Mormon.
  9. The Bible says that Hell is for smart people. Was that on the test?! Was it? No. People who made that test were smart!
  10. T. B. N.
  11. Just because we CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens us doesn’t mean we WILL. But we could. If we wanted to. We could. Which was totally the point that the Apostle Paul was trying to make. We CAN/COULD do all things through Christ if we wanted to. Sometimes we don’t want to.

Now, for the record, I took Pew Forum’s 15-question sample test on religion (TAKE IT HERE!) and scored a 100%. I know, I know… but it’s true. I answered all 15 questions correctly.

And only had to guess once…

(Some of the points made in above post do not reflect those of Matthew Paul Turner. But he’s not telling you which ones.)

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