Jesus Needs New PR


Can I hear you praise the Lord with a little Woop! Woop!????

(Cue the song, “Come On Ride the Train.”)

Listen up Christian parents! Well, actually the only ones who need to listen up are those Christian parents who are godless and don’t homeschool or too cheap or broke or godless and don’t send your kids to private Christian school.

Why?! Because you need to be prepared, people!

So… here’s your to-do list…

Dust off your breastplate of righteousness!

Sharpen and polish your axe of condemnation!

And by golly, don’t forget your God-given gaydar!

Because we’ve got a dirty gay agenda to fight! That’s right! THE GAY AGENDA IS TRYING TO SODOMIZE CHRISTIANS EVERYWHERE. And we’re not going to pitch our tents anywhere close to where their agendas might be. RIGHT?!

Seriously people, the gays are the new Philistines! (Grab your slingshots and pebbles and be prepared to SHOOT.)

You know it’s true, right? Seriously, we’ve got a big fight ahead of us. Last week it was the Muslims, and this week it’s the GAYS!! Because we don’t want them trying to build one of their homosexual mosques (Code for BATH HOUSES!) in YOUR child’s school library. You know that’s what they’re going to try to do right? That, and befriend your son with the lisp. You don’t want your Little Peter getting any ideas, do you?! UGH! A book about gay penguins might make him gay before he’s old enough to DRIVE! Sheesh. What’s the world coming to when you can’t even keep your kid in the closet until he’s 18 and NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?! Because that’s what those gay people will do–turn your kid GAY!

Because they’re sneaky.

And chances are, they’ll demand to have a Lady Gaga Day during your child’s school’s Spirit Week. (rah. rah. ah. ah. ah. roma. roma. ma.)

We won’t let them, right?! RIGHT?

Well, if you’re with me, watch the above piece from those lovable fuzzy SMART snazzy video-making Christians from Focus on the Family. (And folks, these FOCUS people are as sneaky as penguins!!)

Oh, and one more thing… don’t forget to pack your Christian Agenda! You’re going to need it. We don’t don’t want to leave the spot where the gay agenda was empty do we?! We need to fill it with some wholesome or guilt-inducing–you know, some like Creationism or the TEN COMMANDMENTS or perhaps hang up a few of those signs about how condoms in schools are permission slips for SEX.

Okay. Ready?! Cue Choo Choo song. Let’s form a train. Altogether now.

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