Jesus Needs New PR

Jesus Needs New PR

A conversation between Jesus & his horse as they travel to Armageddon…

Jesus: Giddy up, Horse!

Horse: Jesus, I can’t giddy up without knowing where we’re going first. Besides, “giddy up” doesn’t make sense for flying horses.

Jesus: Should I say something like “On Dasher” instead?

Horse: No. You shouldn’t. I hate reindeer. As far as I’m concerned, they robbed flying horses of any chance at being famous.

Jesus: She-Ra had a flying horse. It’s not Santa Claus. But hey, it’s something.


Horse: So where are we going?

Jesus: Oh, we’re going to Israel.

Horse: Israel? I hate when we go to Israel-they have the worst air space on earth. Why are we going to Israel?

Jesus: Because it’s Armageddon time!

Horse: Armageddon time?! Are you frickin’ kidding me? Out of all of the horses in Heaven’s stable you had to choose me for Armageddon?

Jesus: I didn’t have a choice. You’re the only white one. It’s biblical. And you know how Dad is about his biblical.

Horse: Unbelievable! I have the worst luck. I suppose me being the only Arabic horse in the herd is also biblical


Jesus: Oh MY NAME! You’re Arabic?! Yikes. Don’t tell anybody. We don’t want anybody thinking we’re on the wrong side.

Horse: I’m not planning on saying a word. With you on my back, either side is apt to turn on me…

(Two minutes later.)

Horse: Jesus, can I tell you something? This is going to sound a little Gaybriel, but I promise I don’t mean it that way at all.

Jesus: Okay, what is it?

Horse: I gotta say, you look really nice today. Seriously, you should wear red more often. It fits you.

Jesus: Why thank you, Horse. I thought I looked pretty good today, too.


Horse: Just being honest; red really brings out your brown skin. And it accentuates my whiteness.

Jesus: Okay, now you’re sounding Gaybriel. But I do think we’re gonna really standout nicely today. We’ll be difficult to miss.

Horse: And by the way, your sword does have magic powers, right? I mean, I hope you’re not thinking about going into battle against billions of people with a non magical sword. I hear the Chinese are tough. And the Iranians! Whew!

Jesus: Nah, the sword is just for show. I’ll be using my miraculous powers to fight off the enemies today. Actually, this is King Arthur’s old sword.

Horse: Really?! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamed about being King Arthur’s horse. Did you know that his horse had its own pasture!


Jesus: Really? I didn’t know that. To be honest, it sort of sounds rather extravagant. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were a Pentecostal, Horse.

(Five minutes later)

Horse: So what’s that in your other hand? Whatever it is, it looks like something had to die in order for it to be created.

Jesus: It’s my horn! Ain’t it sweet? And you’re right, something did have to die! A ram! How did you know?

Horse: Its shape gives it away.

Jesus: Yeah, Dad gave me this. Apparently, he saved it from the blood sacrifice that he provided to Abraham to replace Isaac.

Horse: Really?! Your father likes his keepsakes, huh? It’s a shame he don’t scrapbook. Oh, and speaking of Isaac, how is that little man doing?


Jesus: I think he’s doing better. You never can tell with Isaac. He’s got some serious daddy issues.

Horse: Poor thing. That whole sacrifice event had to be traumatic! And to think, he’s part of the reason why we’re hanging out today. By the way, we’re almost there.

Jesus: Awesome!! Zion here we come!

Horse: Jesus, is there any chance that mercy and grace will show up today?

Jesus: What are you saying, Horse?! This IS mercy and grace!! Sheesh.

Horse: I had no idea, Jesus. So John Calvin was right all along! Good for him. I like John.

Jesus: Yeah, he really helped put the Presbyterians on good path! I mean, other than the whole “post-trib” concept and baby baptisms, the Presbyterians are all right.


Horse: You know, I gotta say, I’ve always sort of liked the Episcopalians myself…

Jesus: [Laughing] You really are Arabic.

Horse: Yeah, I guess I am… Hey, whatever happened to the Episcopalians?

Jesus: Horse, my friend, you are getting ready to find out… BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL HEAVEN!!!!!

**The above conversation is not meant to be taken seriously unless you’re a Lutheran.

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posted July 22, 2010 at 3:50 pm


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posted July 22, 2010 at 8:32 pm

Love the He-man and She-ra references.

Though I would be surprised if you were allowed to watch them as a kid.

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posted July 23, 2010 at 10:04 am

She-ra reference FTW! I begged my parents to change my name to Adora. Yeah… I’m that big of a fan. So, of course, this made my morning. Thank you.

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