Beliefnet
Jesus Needs New PR

The world needs to hear about JESUS®. They do. And you need to tell them all about him.

Here are just a few things about JESUS® that you should know.

JESUS® wants to live in your heart. At some point in the 1960s or 70s, JESUS® started living inside people’s hearts. Actually, JESUS® wants all of you–your heart, your mind, your body, your pocketbook, and in some cases, JESUS® wants to live on the empty wall space inside your college dorm room.

Seriously, JESUS® does enjoy living on the wall space of dorm rooms.

Back in my day, JESUS® talked me into hanging a poster on the wall space behind my bed. He LOVED seeing it there. And it made me feel pretty good having it there. JESUS® liked the poster because it was very colorful and it showcased many different fonts. But mostly, he liked it because the colors and fonts were used to list all of his various names and titles found in the Bible. And JESUS® totally blessed the creator of that poster with a HUGE house and a 1986 Delorean in perfect condition! Yeah, JESUS® rocks.

PS: If you’re out of college and would like to dedicate your wall space to JESUS®, most of his sayings are licensed through Home Interior. Don’t thank me; praise JESUS®.

Gosh, these days, JESUS® wants all of your personal ad space… from your dorm room wall to your car’s dented bumper to that prime little spot on your desk called “the paper weight.” JESUS® wants it.

And now, if you live in Europe, JESUS® wants to live in your iPhone, iPad, or your iPod touch. JESUS® hasn’t made this “What Would Jesus Say” app available in the United States yet, but he will if a whole bunch of Europeans ask it into their iTunes library. JESUS® is smart, and he knows that, if the Europeans like it–Americans will like it! Well, except for soccer, Robbie Williams, and sodas without ice.

But Europe LOVES JESUS®.

And for a limited time, JESUS® has donated his eyeballs to create this little plastic reminder that he’s always watching out for you. Put it in your car if you want JESUS® to watch you drive. Put it in your kitchen if you want JESUS® to watch you eat. Put in your bedroom if you want JESUS® to watch you sleep and… well, you get the picture. JESUS® loves watching you.

Of course, remember, that wherever you put this little plastic toy, in addition to JESUS®  watching out for you, he will also be able to see you drink beer, engage in near-sexual intercourse, and enjoying Dances With the Stars. So be careful. Place JESUS®’s eyeballs carefully, so he’ll only see what you want him to see.

JESUS® also LOVES Mark Driscoll. You’re surprised, right? Well, JESUS® is full of mercy. JESUS® loves the hell (a little inside joke to Mark from JESUS®) out of Mark Driscoll. Why? Because Mark knows EVERYTHING there is to know about JESUS®. And he doesn’t mind telling everybody those things, so they will also know that Mark knows everything there is to know about JESUS®.

JESUS® 100% endorses Mark’s new book Doctrine. Because some of you need to know–as the subtitle suggests–what Christians SHOULD believe.

And JESUS® loves how edgy Mark is, too. (He’s got tattoos.)

And JESUS® believes in the Christian America! JESUS® knows that, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, AMERICA NEEDS JESUS®!

So JESUS® thinks you should purchase a reprinting of this painting. It’s currently on clearance wherever fine non-historically correct Christian art is sold for insanely high prices.

This is JESUS® kneeling on a cross for you. And all around JESUS® are your sins. Except that tank in the background! It’s helping JESUS® win.

Are you a Star Wars fan? Well, guess what; JESUS® loves you too. And JESUS® proves that love in this following picture…

FYI: JESUS® does not endorse the following painting unless you happen to like it. Then JESUS® will happily endorse it for you on the side.

Until next time, remember JESUS® loves you. JESUS® wants your butt in church on Sunday mornings. And JESUS® thinks you should sing hymns unless you hate hymns. Then, JESUS® would love to hear you sing Chris Tomlin songs. JESUS® also digs The Fray. Because JESUS® is cool like 2006.

More about JESUS® to come soon. Oh, and I almost forgot…

JESUS® wants you to know that he’s busy working out a plan to take care of this for you…

(And you can be sure that the plan won’t include anything natural or expect you to live under conditions that would keep you from driving your SUVs. How would people see all of the JESUS® fishes without SUVs?)

Go in PEACE®

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