Jesus Needs New PR

Jesus Needs New PR


Do you know JESUS® as your personal investor, I mean, savior?

The world needs to hear about JESUS®. They do. And you need to tell them all about him.

Here are just a few things about JESUS® that you should know.

JESUS® wants to live in your heart. At some point in the 1960s or 70s, JESUS® started living inside people’s hearts. Actually, JESUS® wants all of you–your heart, your mind, your body, your pocketbook, and in some cases, JESUS® wants to live on the empty wall space inside your college dorm room.

Seriously, JESUS® does enjoy living on the wall space of dorm rooms.

Back in my day, JESUS® talked me into hanging a poster on the wall space behind my bed. He LOVED seeing it there. And it made me feel pretty good having it there. JESUS® liked the poster because it was very colorful and it showcased many different fonts. But mostly, he liked it because the colors and fonts were used to list all of his various names and titles found in the Bible. And JESUS® totally blessed the creator of that poster with a HUGE house and a 1986 Delorean in perfect condition! Yeah, JESUS® rocks.

PS: If you’re out of college and would like to dedicate your wall space to JESUS®, most of his sayings are licensed through Home Interior. Don’t thank me; praise JESUS®.

Gosh, these days, JESUS® wants all of your personal ad space… from your dorm room wall to your car’s dented bumper to that prime little spot on your desk called “the paper weight.” JESUS® wants it.

And now, if you live in Europe, JESUS® wants to live in your iPhone, iPad, or your iPod touch. JESUS® hasn’t made this “What Would Jesus Say” app available in the United States yet, but he will if a whole bunch of Europeans ask it into their iTunes library. JESUS® is smart, and he knows that, if the Europeans like it–Americans will like it! Well, except for soccer, Robbie Williams, and sodas without ice.

But Europe LOVES JESUS®.

And for a limited time, JESUS® has donated his eyeballs to create this little plastic reminder that he’s always watching out for you. Put it in your car if you want JESUS® to watch you drive. Put it in your kitchen if you want JESUS® to watch you eat. Put in your bedroom if you want JESUS® to watch you sleep and… well, you get the picture. JESUS® loves watching you.

Of course, remember, that wherever you put this little plastic toy, in addition to JESUS®  watching out for you, he will also be able to see you drink beer, engage in near-sexual intercourse, and enjoying Dances With the Stars. So be careful. Place JESUS®’s eyeballs carefully, so he’ll only see what you want him to see.

JESUS® also LOVES Mark Driscoll. You’re surprised, right? Well, JESUS® is full of mercy. JESUS® loves the hell (a little inside joke to Mark from JESUS®) out of Mark Driscoll. Why? Because Mark knows EVERYTHING there is to know about JESUS®. And he doesn’t mind telling everybody those things, so they will also know that Mark knows everything there is to know about JESUS®.

JESUS® 100% endorses Mark’s new book Doctrine. Because some of you need to know–as the subtitle suggests–what Christians SHOULD believe.

And JESUS® loves how edgy Mark is, too. (He’s got tattoos.)

And JESUS® believes in the Christian America! JESUS® knows that, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, AMERICA NEEDS JESUS®!

So JESUS® thinks you should purchase a reprinting of this painting. It’s currently on clearance wherever fine non-historically correct Christian art is sold for insanely high prices.

This is JESUS® kneeling on a cross for you. And all around JESUS® are your sins. Except that tank in the background! It’s helping JESUS® win.

Are you a Star Wars fan? Well, guess what; JESUS® loves you too. And JESUS® proves that love in this following picture…

FYI: JESUS® does not endorse the following painting unless you happen to like it. Then JESUS® will happily endorse it for you on the side.

Until next time, remember JESUS® loves you. JESUS® wants your butt in church on Sunday mornings. And JESUS® thinks you should sing hymns unless you hate hymns. Then, JESUS® would love to hear you sing Chris Tomlin songs. JESUS® also digs The Fray. Because JESUS® is cool like 2006.

More about JESUS® to come soon. Oh, and I almost forgot…

JESUS® wants you to know that he’s busy working out a plan to take care of this for you…

(And you can be sure that the plan won’t include anything natural or expect you to live under conditions that would keep you from driving your SUVs. How would people see all of the JESUS® fishes without SUVs?)

Go in PEACE®



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Comments read comments(27)
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Will Adair

posted June 14, 2010 at 3:04 pm


Matt,

I’m going to digest this a bit and probably comment again later. A bit off topic but I did have one question though, you have a line ref. Driscoll’s subtitle. Do you think there are certain things Christians should know.

For full disclosure, I once owned three Jesus fish on one car. I then tore them off and threw them because I figured Jesus probably didn’t care if my beat up 97 Tracer had a Jesus fish or not.

Will



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    James

    posted June 14, 2010 at 4:20 pm


    I’m right there with ya. What exactly does mpt stand? What exactly does mpt believe? It’s probably somewhere on this website, but finding it would take effort on my part :P.



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      Matthew Paul Turner

      posted June 14, 2010 at 4:49 pm


      What do you want to know?

      I find it strange that this post would spark these kinds of questions.

      But if you want to know something, ask me! :)



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        James

        posted June 14, 2010 at 7:28 pm


        I just wonder sometimes if this is satire, serious, or some of both. I understand that you grew up in a uber-conservative fundamental environment and now you have broken away from that, but you seem to throw-down on everything that is “Christian.” I’m right there with you on a lot of stuff. I grew in a world of KJV only, act a certain way, do/say certain things, but I’m still a Christian and I believe that as a Christian you should act a certain way. Not that you do it to prove that you are a Christian, but because you are a Christian.



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          Matthew Paul Turner

          posted June 14, 2010 at 7:34 pm


          James, the truth is my past doesn’t have much impact on what I blog now. I blog what I believe, feel, hope…etc.
          I don’t blog to prove a point. I honestly don’t have an axe the grind. I mean, not any more than any of us have axes to grind.

          This particular post is satire. But there’s always a thread truth in satire.

          I believe that much of Christianity in America is Jesus the brand and not Jesus of the gospel.

          But that’s just my opinion.

          What part of this post makes you wonder. What don’t you agree with?



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        James

        posted June 14, 2010 at 7:45 pm


        It’s good to know that there is some satire in there. I don’t want to be the guy that Jon Acuff blogs about that goes off the deep end because he thought your satire was serious. You’re absolutely right about Jesus as a brand. I practically lose my mind when I flip through Christian TV and get told to just send in my $1000 and I’m guaranteed a 7-fold return.



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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted June 14, 2010 at 4:53 pm


    I think Christians should know lots of things!

    But that’s not the subtitle of Mark’s book. It’s “What Christians Should Believe.” Big difference between know and believe.



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      Will Adair

      posted June 14, 2010 at 7:26 pm


      I think I get what you are saying but I don’t know fully know what you mean. I believe that with all my heart. ;) Seriously what’s the difference between knowing and believing?



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        Matthew Paul Turner

        posted June 14, 2010 at 7:29 pm


        I know what’s on TV right now.
        I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. (Nobody alive on earth KNOWS that. We believe it. But we don’t know.)



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          Silica

          posted June 16, 2010 at 7:32 am


          I think there are a lot of things we say we “know” but actually “believe” – besides just religious stuff that is “unknowable.” I read about a lot of things and am generally considered knowledgeable, but I haven’t travelled to these particular places or met these people or done those scientific studies. I trust the people who tell me about them because, according to my experience, they fall under the category of “believable”. If I didn’t have that, and had to know absolutely everything for sure – it would be very hard for me to figure out what to do when I had to get up in the morning. Just chaos. ;)

          I think the line between the two is really blurry.



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      James

      posted June 14, 2010 at 7:40 pm


      I do have to wonder…are you making fun of Mark Driscoll or just the title of his book. I ask because he’s not a fundamentalist (at least nowhere near the vain that normally gets poked at on this site). His church does a series call Film and Theology where they watch movies and then discuss how they relate to Christianity (or something like that). Not long ago they watched/reviewed “District 9″ and “Gran Torino.” I can’t think of any fundi churches that would allow that.
      I do think there are certain things that Christians should BELIEVE. Of course, those are the things that make a Christian a Christian; like believing that excepting Jesus as Savior is the only way to Heaven. Of course, you could argue that not believing that makes you “not a Christian” in the first place and you can just throw out the believe thing all together at that point.



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Justin McRoberts

posted June 14, 2010 at 3:05 pm


Re-tweeted and posted at FB.



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@Marcallee (Twitter)

posted June 14, 2010 at 3:24 pm


Don’t forget the JESUS® guarantee; there are lots of them. JESUS® is all about the guarantee; if it cant be guaranteed it isn’t JESUS®.

My experiences with JESUS® didn’t quite live up to all the guarantees I was promised, so I bitterly returned my JESUS® and have been trying to piece together a substitute ever since.

Oh, and JESUS® prefers to answer questions that have a hidden promotion for JESUS® in them. Beware all questions not formally endorsed by JESUS®.

~Marc Proctor



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Bob Chapman

posted June 14, 2010 at 4:31 pm


About that picture with the woman washing the feet of Jesus with her tears. For all churches using the Revised Common Lectionary, that was the Gospel lesson last Sunday.

How appropriate.



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sleep_run_art

posted June 14, 2010 at 7:25 pm


I love Mark Driscoll and dislike him. He is sometimes quite rude and abrupt, but a lot of his points are valid.

His take on men either being Ultimate Fight Club types or tea drinking arts guys is completely wrong. Or maybe its just a cultural thing in America.

I live in NZ (New Zealand, we’re the mole on the ass of the world, even Universal Pictures fails to have us on their logo, but we kick more ass then any other country), I’m a guy, I’m a guy going to get a degree in Graphic Design and Advertising, I’m also a guy who doesn’t like tea – the odd coffee once every 3 or 4 months sure, but I like my beer as much as I like my Walt Whitman, or Jane Austen (ok, so I’ll admit, I’m currently reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, it’s better then any original Jane Austen work). I’m also a guy who is quite content to browse a well put together art exhibit as much as I am quite happy to start up the chainsaw and fell a tree, or pick up the .308 and get a pig for the spit.



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James

posted June 14, 2010 at 7:26 pm


I just wonder sometimes if this is satire, serious, or some of both. I understand that you grew up in a uber-conservative fundamental environment and now you have broken away from that, but you seem to throw-down on everything that is “Christian.” I’m right there with you on a lot of stuff. I grew in a world of KJV only, act a certain way, do/say certain things, but I’m still a Christian and I believe that as a Christian you should act a certain way. Not that you do it to prove that you are a Christian, but because you are a Christian.



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Nick

posted June 14, 2010 at 7:34 pm


You know MPT-you gave me a great idea. The Fuzzy Robot is now going to feature “The Fuzzy Jesus.” Not only keeping your head-but also your heart warm. Available in born again and almost but not quite born again sizes. :) Your residuals will be in the mail!



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Jesse

posted June 14, 2010 at 7:38 pm


Why does Driscoll’s book on doctrine have a black-on-black picture of a serpent on the cover?



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Dianna

posted June 14, 2010 at 7:41 pm


“Because JESUS® is cool like 2006.”

I’m in my office, and I about died laughing. Thanks for the laugh before classes today.



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Bob Chapman

posted June 14, 2010 at 8:28 pm


About what a Christian should know: about what?

If you are thinking about what it takes to be saved, don’t worry. Jesus covers that. It is nothing that we say, do, or believe.

I really do believe Ephesians 2, as it is written. No ifs, ands, or buts.

We only get into trouble when we try to save ourselves (or others) by imposing required beliefs.

That said, I fully believe the two primary ecumenical creeds of the Church. Not because I must believe them to be save, but by being lead to that point by the Advocate and Comforter.



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jstainer

posted June 15, 2010 at 9:02 am


Great post, too bad it got derailed by people wanting to defend Driscoll.

Remember everyone, he’s a “dude” and he’ll punch you in the face if you get in his way. I think he can take care of himself. ;)



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Danny

posted June 15, 2010 at 4:35 pm


I’m in one of those moods where I’m picking apart everything I read and always reading into stuff. So if this is way off base…just ignore it :)

I was wondering the same as a few earlier commenter asked. Would you say there are some things that every Christian SHOULD believe? (rather or not Driscoll is the man to determine that is not really what I’m asking) Or, are we free to interpret and believe as we feel led?

I guess really my contrast comes into play when you see the Driscoll portion alongside the foot washing portion.

A contrast of, “what Christians should belief,” and “Jesus won’t endorse this unless you like it.” I mean, it’s either one or the other, either there are things that we should belief, or we are feel to like, *read live and belief* whatever we want, and Jesus will endorse.

I don’t think I’m adequately asking my question, or even sure if I have asked one! I get that your talking about the rampant and disgusting marketing of Jesus, but can you help me understand what you are trying to say with those two particular points of your post.



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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted June 15, 2010 at 5:41 pm


    Hey Danny. Thanks for your comment. The point of this post is to shed “light” on “Jesus the brand.” I think you’re inserting the real Jesus rather than thinking about the JESUS THE BRAND that people sell, market, use to hate gay people, and all of the other things that people do. People can do whatever they want to “Jesus the brand,” but it’s much more difficult (maybe impossible) to do that to the Jesus we read about it in the four Gospels. “Jesus the brand” can support and market a book that outlines a list of things Christians SHOULD believe and can also market an iPhone app made by a secular company called “What Jesus Would Say.”

    Does this answer your question?



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      Danny

      posted June 16, 2010 at 7:26 pm


      You clarified a lot. Thanks.



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      Bry

      posted June 17, 2010 at 9:01 pm


      So, do you think Mark worships the Jesus brand or Jesus?

      (Sorry to keep mentioning Mark lol)



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Andrea Leigh

posted June 15, 2010 at 5:01 pm


Brilliant.



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Wolf N. Paul

posted June 19, 2010 at 9:48 pm


I appreciate the satire but am wondering, like others, what Mark is doing in that line-up. There are plenty of other public personalities that reflect Jesus The Brand rather than the Jesus of the gospel much more so than Mark, yet he gets singled out … strange.



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