Jesus Needs New PR

Jesus Needs New PR

What the hell went wrong with those Christians in Michigan? (10 guesses)

1. Nobody invited them to small group.

2. They’re convinced that Chris Tomlin is a homosexual.

3. The pharmacies in their town were all fresh out of acne medication and moisturizer (And apparently, Abreva).

4. They take the Book of Ezekiel literally.

5. Seven of them are still virgins.

6. This is what happens when you read Brian McLaren.


7. They were practicing a re-enactment of the song “I’m in the Lord’s Army.” Yes sir.

8. They only planned to put an end to the church potluck.

9. Any chance they were altar boys at a Catholic church in Wisconsin?

10. They read their church’s bylaws and found the words “social justice.”

BONUS GUESS: Left. Behind.

What do you think went wrong? :)

The New York Times Story here.

Comments read comments(41)
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posted March 29, 2010 at 7:41 pm

They’re totally virgins…LOL

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Terrace Crawford

posted March 29, 2010 at 7:44 pm


posted March 29, 2010 at 7:54 pm

Isn’t it amazing how people in a fundamentalist, extremist, anti-government militia look just exactly how you picture they would look? I’m going to have nightmares for a week.

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posted March 29, 2010 at 7:55 pm

I Blame Tim LaHaye…Lol

The really sad part is people believe that they are “christian” which means that label is further degraded, between these nut jobs and the pedophile priests we just look ridiculous.

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lisa fredricks

posted March 29, 2010 at 7:59 pm

WOW, Ok first if you could do some intercessory prayer for those few Christians left in Michigan who did not go all militia on anyones ass that would be awesome. I would hate to turn into salt er..something.
2nd there is an obvious top 10 ways you know your nieghbors are psycho, christian militia but I can’t mention the mullet, shemullet, mobile home, greasy hair, fatigues or anything like that because as the nieghbor said “Its not uncommon to have militia in Michigan”. So I am going to lay low on that post for a while. I will say thier kids were homeschooled, which I am sure won’t draw any controversy.

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    R.J. Oltrick

    posted March 30, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Except that me and my siblings were all homeschooled, and we didnt turn out completely insane. Then again, our mother was a anti-establishment hippy who raised us on organic foods and taught us to think for ourselves. 😉

    Lesson- Homeschooling can be abused by overprotective or brainwashing parents, but the majority of homeschoolers are well adjusted people who know more on average than non-homeschoolers. If test averages have anything to say.

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Rick Reynolds

posted March 29, 2010 at 8:13 pm

a very troubling story so why joke about it? these are very messed up people. and why joke about virginity? is it good to laugh about people being virgins? i like your jokes when they’re funny and not based on something so sad and disturbing. btw, altar is misspelled.
c’mon, man. i like to read your tweets but i think this is out of bounds.

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted March 29, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Thanks for the spell check, Rick!

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    Steven Jay

    posted March 30, 2010 at 8:24 am

    I have to agree with Rick on this one, this is over the line and no longer funny.

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posted March 29, 2010 at 8:20 pm

They went here as kids:
……….they flunked..LOL

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posted March 29, 2010 at 8:26 pm

Aw, cheap shot. I love your snark, but this is too far for me. :( The story makes me sad. The world hates Christians for reasons like this (the militia group) – and rightfully so – but making fun of them only adds to the noise. Sigh.

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted March 29, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Can’t win them all.

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Kyle Reed

posted March 29, 2010 at 8:38 pm

They listened to a little bit to much of Glen Beck.

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posted March 29, 2010 at 8:49 pm

LOL. i love that you are adding levity to a disturbing story. #7 is genius!

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:01 pm

Too much sacramental wine. Another argument against Christians drinking alcohol I guess. :)

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:11 pm

This didn’t show up in my feed. Just thought you’d want to know. I even tried unsubscribing & re-subscribing to the new URL. No joy.
#3 is my fave.

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted March 29, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    How did you subscribe Jenny?

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      posted March 29, 2010 at 10:02 pm

      I looked up your blog in my Google Reader “add a subscription” & subscribed from there. (Is that what you were asking for?)
      And it just now showed up, so I’m thinking there could be a delay, but that’s not abnormal.

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    Kyle Reed

    posted March 29, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Did the picture not show up or the whole post?

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      posted March 29, 2010 at 10:03 pm

      Whole thing, but it has now, so we’re all good. The world may resume turning…

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        Kyle Reed

        posted March 30, 2010 at 8:25 am

        Ya sometimes feedburner is very very stupid and takes a little while to deliver the feed.

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:14 pm

They are a group of crazies plain and simple.

Your list is a riot…although #5 and #9…mutually exclusive?

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:21 pm

Great mudslinging. Although KyleLReed may have a strong point there…

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted March 29, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    Thank you.

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:22 pm

Snarky is ok but:
A. Be careful not to idolize your grip on scripture and/or reality. On the culturescope, you’d probably be closer to those guys than desired. But by the grace of God, crazy go I!

B. No one pays you to be the “Dark, Twisted Stuff Christians Like”! No. 9 was not necessary. He desires mercy, not calloused socio-theological satire at the expense of countless unfortunate victims of scandal and abuse.

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted March 29, 2010 at 9:39 pm


    I think you’re taking this post too seriously.

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:22 pm

They were ‘churched’…

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:24 pm

Wait, Chris Tomlin is straight??? More importantly, how do I get a cool alien avatar next to my name? MPT, since you have Greedo’s sister, can I get something that looks like a Wookie?

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posted March 29, 2010 at 9:29 pm

11. They didn’t like the move to wordpress.

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joshua mcafee

posted March 29, 2010 at 9:51 pm

Funny! Thanks for the laugh.

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posted March 29, 2010 at 10:42 pm

yeah… that was pretty freakin hilarious;) (not what happened… but your post… your post was freakin hilarious. just wanted to clarify for the serious folks that comment)

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posted March 30, 2010 at 1:50 am

Definitely too much Left Behind!

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posted March 30, 2010 at 7:17 am

They didn’t read to the end of the book, misinterpreted the current “signs of the times”, and listened to a leader who filled their heads with a lot of nonsense.

This is why we’re admonished to STUDY scripture, so that we can “rightly divide the word of truth” (2 Tim 2:15). We must make sure we study it IN CONTEXT.

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posted March 30, 2010 at 7:43 am

…and people still don’t believe me when i tell them that “Christian” terrorists exist…

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posted March 30, 2010 at 8:10 am

I get the tone of your post, but think you could have made your point without bringing CT into it this way. Jesus is getting some pretty hefty PR out of the Passion crew … seems like the people behind this effort should be encouraged, not damaged, by your blog.

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    Matthew Paul Turner

    posted March 30, 2010 at 8:22 am

    No Chris Tomlins were harmed in the writing of this post.

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posted March 30, 2010 at 9:19 am

Well, I’m from Michigan, grew up in a straight laced Baptist church, and I managed not to grow a mullet, a rat tail, or a hatred for police officers.

On another note, when I was in Harrison, AR, just outside of Zinc, AR, last year – that’d be the home of the KKK headquarters and training camp – I learned that the Michigan Militia had moved to Arkansas, and were giving the Klan all kinds of fits. A sure sign that Michigan’s economy is bad: even our militia was outsourced. So I don’t know who these guys are, but they’re not a part of Michigan’s run of the mill crazy militia.

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Bev W.

posted March 30, 2010 at 11:50 am

That is so funny Clayton is about an hour and half from Hell. How weird is that! Really, google map it! I live in Northern Michigan out in the middle of nowhere, well Cadillac. So we have our Militia going strong out in the woods having their secret meetings but these are the really crazy, scary Michigan Militia that you pray you don’t have to mess with.

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Scott Bettis

posted March 30, 2010 at 3:01 pm

I’m always shocked and amazed by the stupidity of humanity. I probably shouldn’t be, but I am. I’ve also always considered terms such as “Christian militants” to be an oxymoron and “right-wing militia” to be a mispronunciation of “wrong-wing militia.”

As Paul said to Timothy: “The whole point of what we are urging is simply love. Love uncontaminated by self-interest and counterfeit faith. A life open to God.” (1 Tim 1:5 The Message)

These people lived in fear and their actions were simply reactions to that fear rather than trusting in God.

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posted March 30, 2010 at 7:06 pm

hey! my state’s in the news!

oh, it’s for seditious conspiracy again. (great band name btw)

people here don’t have jobs anymore. we currently have the highest unemployment rate in the country, and we used to be a solid blue/white collar state. We got a serious brain and skill drain going on here, so the whole guns and militias in the name of religion isn’t so surprising. I think Newsweek compared our unemployment rate to Croatia. An excuse? Of course not. Make fun.

Send some jobs.

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