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Last night, I watched “Criminal Minds” for the first time. I’d heard it was good and decided to watch its newest episode, “Revelations,” when it aired following the Super Bowl. After all, how could I resist watching a show with a Biblical title? And it stars Mandy Patinkin, who is hard not to love.

Well, cue the horror movie music, which creeped me out and sent me hiding under the covers for half of the show. From minute one, “Criminal Minds” was ultra-scary and, of course, about a crazy Christian serial killer! (Because all Christian fundamentalists have a good dose of sadism in them right? Ugh.) “Raphael” is the murderer this FBI crime-solving team is after, though they think he’s working with accomplices. Turns out, Raphael has multiple personality disorder, and the scared kid personality in him calls 911 before each murder, presumably trying to help his soon to be victims, but then evil Raphael (yes, that Raphael, by the way) dad-figure cuts in to each call with his psycho-scary judgment day voice going on about how these victims must die for their sins. So Raphael is both son and father in one, and of course, his father was an evil, abusive father who constantly punished his son for his sins with things like branding irons when he was but a wee boy of oh, say, six or so. So healthy, these TV Christian families!

Now cue the excerpts from the Book of Revelation at each murder scene, and just imagine how gruesome they are. Raphael captures who he believes is Jezebel and…. aahhhh, uuugggghhhhh… I don’t even want to talk about it.

However, if I’ve somehow peaked your masochistic interest in watching hide-under-the-covers horror about a sadistic Christian serial killer, then be sure to watch Part 2 of “Revelations,” because after all that trauma, I learned that it was to be continued! It airs Wednesday, February 7th, at 9pm on CBS.

And don’t worry, it won’t effect your “Lost” premiere watching, since “Lost” airs at 10pm on Wednesdays now.

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