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There’s something about the word fluid, and it’s not something good. It conjures up Ben Stiller and untraditional “hair gel”; or Bill Clinton and a Navy Gap dress; or in its least offensive incarnation, “lighter fluid.” But when you add the word “Madonna” to the word “fluid,” you know it’s gonna be trouble.

But since mentions of Madonna these days are usually tempered by the word “Kabbalah,” the newest result to this equation is:

Madonna+Kabbalah+fluid=nuclear waste disposal.

Of course. MSNBC reports:

The singer and her hubby, director Guy Ritchie, have been “lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid,” according to London’s Sunday Times. The power couple has approached various British government agencies, urging the detoxing powers of a “mystical” liquid developed by the mystical offshoot of Judaism, which is currently trendy among some celebs.

One London official called the Material Girl’s scientific methodology “bollocks.” Frankly, I’m no scientist, but I think that pronouncement errs on the side of being overly kind and respectful. I was just in Safed, Israel–the home of real Kabbalah–less than two weeks before Katyusha rockets fell on the region, and there was no evidence of a science research facility producing a magical liquid that cleans up radioactive waste. Maybe it was hidden between the candle factory and the handmade-jewelry vendors. However, I remember hearing that Kabbalah mystics were in the midst of working on a product called Shimmer, which is both a floor wax and a dessert topping.

Perhaps because this “fluid” story is so out there, more Madge news–with this item far less controversial or wacky–also recently hit the media. Now that she has her kids Lola and Rocco, she says, she understands how important it is to help the orphans of the world, and she’s starting in Malawi:

Madonna plans to raise at least $3 million for programs to support orphans in Malawi, and is giving $1 million to fund a documentary about the plight of children there. She has also teamed up with developing-world economic leader Jeffrey Sachs on programs to improve the health, agriculture and economy of a village in Malawi, and she’s met with former President Clinton about bringing low-cost medicines to the area.

Good. Help the children. Bring Bill Clinton (but keep him away from Gap dresses). And definitely bring in the low-cost medicines. As long as they’re not in fluid form.

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