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Editing a faith-focused website like Beliefnet, it’s hard not to dream of the star writers I wish we could get to write for us. And who is bigger than Jesus Christ himself? Alas, he hasn’t been on the freelance market for a while–or so I thought. Somehow the humor magazine The Onion got him to contribute an opinion piece in the current issue.

In “No Way I’m Saving That Guy,” the Man From Nazareth tells us he’s finally reached the limit of his heretofore-unlimited forgiving nature. Acknowledging that he is “supposed to be all-merciful, universally loving, the Light and the Way and everything,” Mr. Christ goes on to blast the owner of a local automative shop (though he refrains from saying what locality that is), listing his many faults. He continues:

Don’t get Me wrong. I’m extremely forgiving–to a fault, maybe. I’ve absolved some of the worst people you can imagine. We’ve got thieves, adulterers, murderers, even Romans sent to persecute my followers out the wazoo up here. In fact, if you ask Biblical scholars or learned clergy, they’ll go so far as to tell you My capacity for forgiveness is infinite. Well, that’s usually true. But not with this a—-e.

A word to Jesus: It’s true that The Onion has some of the most biting religious satire out there and can always be counted on for some laugh-out-loud reading. But, please. Beliefnet is the biggest spiritual website around, and I’m sure we can fit you into our roster of columnists. Gimme a call, and we can discuss terms.

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