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The Onion Snags a Star Writer

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Editing a faith-focused website like Beliefnet, it’s hard not to dream of the star writers I wish we could get to write for us. And who is bigger than Jesus Christ himself? Alas, he hasn’t been on the freelance market for a while–or so I thought. Somehow the humor magazine The Onion got him to contribute an opinion piece in the current issue.

In “No Way I’m Saving That Guy,” the Man From Nazareth tells us he’s finally reached the limit of his heretofore-unlimited forgiving nature. Acknowledging that he is “supposed to be all-merciful, universally loving, the Light and the Way and everything,” Mr. Christ goes on to blast the owner of a local automative shop (though he refrains from saying what locality that is), listing his many faults. He continues:

Don’t get Me wrong. I’m extremely forgiving–to a fault, maybe. I’ve absolved some of the worst people you can imagine. We’ve got thieves, adulterers, murderers, even Romans sent to persecute my followers out the wazoo up here. In fact, if you ask Biblical scholars or learned clergy, they’ll go so far as to tell you My capacity for forgiveness is infinite. Well, that’s usually true. But not with this a—-e.

A word to Jesus: It’s true that The Onion has some of the most biting religious satire out there and can always be counted on for some laugh-out-loud reading. But, please. Beliefnet is the biggest spiritual website around, and I’m sure we can fit you into our roster of columnists. Gimme a call, and we can discuss terms.



  • Anonymous Also

    The Onion rules!! I wonder if there was a big marketing war between The Onion, Oprah, Larry King, The 700 Club and Faux News for his work. Well, wait … He probably figured there was enough people at 700 and Faux who believe THEY’RE Jesus Christ and didn’t want to “dilute his brand” to throw out some MarketSpeak. (We could have like a To Tell The Truth episode with Jesus, Pat Robertson, and Bill O’Reilly all saing they’re Him and let America try and guess the right one. As dumbed down as we are today, we couldn’t.)>

  • maccabees62

    maccabees62,I need a group chat room for my interlectually disabled daughter, she is 22 and wants to talk to others like her. She can converse but is just imature and young for her age. Is there a protected page like this???>

  • MissRose77

    Kudos for Kress! Way to go! Thank you for confronting such satire with an equally humorous rebuttal!! I started reading the post thinking that the end would be a scathing attack on the Onion for even mentioning Jesus at all. Instead, we get to laugh at it all and smile knowing that Christians can take the higher ground in the situation and truly turn the other cheek while more fundamentalist Christians would scream blasphemy from the rooftops. Thank you!!>

  • Pacific231

    MissRose77, great post. You will also find these earlier Onion news story to be of interest too: http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9904/01/onion/christian.html (for some reason, can’t find this hilarious story in Onion archive but here ya go) http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43189 Plenty more where that came from…The Onion is the undisputed Internet champion for sarcastic humor! :)>

  • Pacific231

    Oops, forgot to include this one…LOL! “>http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46226>

  • knoxvilledaniel

    & here I thought it was going to be an indictmement of Dubbya, Cheney, Pat Robertson, Jerry ” God’s Mouthpiece ” Falwell. Too easy. For Biting wit & sarcastic humour, always go to Onion & un – peel.>

  • S

    Nice to see that most Christians, unlike people of other religions, have a sense of humor and can laugh at their prophet. Jesus must have had a sense of humor, he was very super funny and playful and innocent.>

  • Richard

    Well, of course, Jesus had a sense of humour. His first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. He was called a glutton and a drunk – a Gallilean (sp) Party Animal. Modern Christians take note.>

  • http://www.beliefnet.com/blogs/virtualtalmud/ eastcoastlady

    “…Christians…Unlike other religions, have a sense of humor…” Are you kidding? “Unlike other religions”??? The Jews laugh harder at themselves than anyone else; it’s been a necessity for our survival since the beginning of time. That said, The Onion article and B-net’s response were both refreshing. So much nicer than the sanctimonious hand-wringing to which most of us are accustomed.>

  • http://myurbankvetch.com Esther Kustanowitz

    Great job, Kress. I’m sure if JC agrees to talk anywhere, it will be in a pluralistic forum like Beliefnet, and on a blog like Idol Chatter…>

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