Beliefnet
How Great Thou Part

Christmas wishes are supposed to come true, right?

I’m pretty sure I asked for this exact same thing last Christmas!

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I logged onto LinkedIn today and noticed one of my favorite West Coast law firms had a great graphic with the exact same caption as my title. Well, the ‘All I Want for Christmas Is a Divorce” part.

It was written on the back windshield of a car.

Not a bad strategy. It is pointed towards the sky and perhaps Santa can see it from the North Pole.

Me? I’m not taking any chances.

After all, is a divorce really too much to ask for????

Aren’t you supposed to be able to actually get a divorce when you start the process?

SO I am scrapping the windshield idea in favor of a direct note to Santa.

My letter reads something like this…

Dear Santa:

Sorry about that mishap at the Lord & Taylor store when I was six-years-old!

Me, afraid of you big guy??!! NEVER!

I think it was my sister who was truly terrified of big, jolly, red men, regardless of the mouth-watering candy canes! Let’s just keep this between us. She would probably totally deny it. No need to put her on the naughty list all these years later.

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Oh, and no worries about Barbie’s Country Camper and the Easy Bake Oven when I was eight-years-old. My mom never did get my letter to the North Pole out on time. She was always a last minute shopper. I mean shipper.

And how sweet were you to send me a letter telling me how terrible you felt about the whole mishap AND how overworked your elves were??!!

Crazy! You and my sister have the same handwriting. Must be the North Pole translation.

Not to cry over spilled milk and cookies but I still pine for that long awaited horse tied to a tree in my yard.

But I digress.

After all, I’m a big girl now. I can buy my own horse (not really) – still waiting.

There is one thing I can’t buy.

It might be a very hard wish for you to understand. You and Mrs. Claus getting along so well and all. 

All I want for Christmas is a divorce!

Here’s the thing Santa. I just want to warn you. It’s GONNA be WAY harder to grant this wish than you may think. It’s going to make the year of  Easy Bake Ovens look like child’s play (I have a problem with puns Santa). Can you tell?

I mean, you kinda owe me. Maybe if I had gotten that Barbie’s Country camper I might have picked the right lifetime Ken. Just saying. Not sure. But it could have helped.

The legal elves are not enough to put this under the tree. Their workshop is SLAMMED!

It seems I am not the only adult who has put this on their Christmas list!

Divorce is like the Cabbage Patch dolls of the Eighties! That must have been a brutal few years for you but you got through it so I’m counting on you.

I got the idea to write you because you keep making all those guest appearances on the Hallmark Channel. What happened? Too many children afraid of you at the Lord & Taylor stores?

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The girls of Hallmark are getting tons of presents this year! You are really working overtime. Making all of their Christmas dreams come true. I’m just asking for a piece of paper. I don’t need a man to go with it. I’m not greedy.

I will wait and ask for him next year.

So what do you say Santa? We can call it a Christmas Miracle!

I’ll even stop wishing for that horse. I’ll switch it to something smaller like a puppy instead!

P.S.

I can’t wait until Christmas morning! So glad I finally thought to write you. I’ve asked my husband for this gift for years.

But, then again, Ken never was much of a gift giver.

(Photo courtesy of Pexels )
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