God's Comic

God's Comic

Ahhh..Modern Flight

posted by Brad Stine

 

I am
writing this week’s column while sitting in a window seat of a CRJ 200 shuttle.
Designed for shorter flights that save the airlines money on fuel and service a
smaller volume of passengers. In other words it’s caca.

As I
survey my surroundings of this all too familiar traveling option that I have
grown accustomed too by the mere fact that I have no options since the Star
Trek transporter technology still seems to be years away;

At
this moment I am gobbling up a bag of peanuts that they actually offered free
of charge! Apparently they based the volume of how many peanuts per bag on the
Biblical story of the widow’s mite.

When
I first arrived at the check in I was asked for credit card to pay for checking
my bags. One wonders how they do this with a straight face.

 “Welcome sir we are happy you chose
Delta and hope you have a pleasant flight…Oh wait a minute..you are bringing
clothing? We didn’t anticipate this but yes, we have received clearance to tote
your personal effects along with you on your getaway but I am sure you can
understand this is going to cost you. Perhaps in the future when you know you
are going to travel you can ship your toiletries and wardrobe ahead in a
packing crate so it will be there when you arrive. It would be cheaper.”

The
seats on these shuttles are a miracle of modern technology. While other
companies still go by that archaic concept of providing seats that fit humans,
the airlines simply realized with a smaller plane it would be reasonable to
take one seat, put an armrest down the middle of it and voila, you have two!

They
also have this little gag they play with the English language where they offer
the “recliner” option on your seat. To “recline” in airline seat terminology refers
to the difference between initially being bent forward and “reclining” into
what the military refers to as attention.

In
other words if airlines manufactured a rocking chair it would consist of a
three legged stool with its feet set in concrete.

Part
of my adventure also consisted of the consistency of the airlines
inconsistency. My departure flight was delayed and arrived late thus causing me
to be the ubiquitous “running man” one always sees at airports and makes us
happy inside when we know its not us.

It
was me this time and after literally running 2 terminals I made it just in time
to find out they gave my seat away. They had a window available, which I took
though I’m an aisle man. Now I’m trapped in the Yoga “decaying zebra” position
and hope soon to regain feeling in at least one leg so I can hop/hobble down
the jet way in order to get out of this Marquis De Saad devised travel
experience.

Yes
the life of a traveling comedian, it just doesn’t get better than this.

 

 

The 4th of July is all guy!

posted by Brad Stine

 

 

Americans
love to celebrate stuff. Heck that’s why we have holidays every month of the
year; we need an excuse to celebrate. The celebration is the experience by the
way, rarely are we actually celebrating what the holiday is for. You don’t
believe me?

We
have a holiday called Arbor Day that apparently is a celebration of trees. I
don’t know what trees have to do with arbor especially since I don’t know what
an arbor is? They have cards for Arbor day which is funny to me since they have
to kill a tree in order to get the word out that we need to save trees! Nothing
funnier than irony huh?

Then
again I suppose if someone proposed a holiday called “Tree Day” everyone would
have laughed and then you’d be promptly tarred and feathered.

Nevertheless
Arbor Day is a holiday but do you
know anyone personally who celebrates trees? Sure maybe some hippie throwback
as well as some fringe eco-freaks that believe creation is equal in value to
humans but I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about real people.

My
point is that somewhere in time some American was itching to have a celebration
and asked for “any celebration ideas”, and some cider impaired fellow American
without enough government sanctioned free time paused a moment and then blurted
out ” what about trees? They grow AND have leaves!”…Perfect, light up the
bar-b-cue”!

Most
holidays are designed to celebrate together as family, which is a nice
sentiment but in reality some holidays do seem to be more designed for specific
genders.

Which
brings us to the 4th of July. Of all the holidays during the year, none are
more male than the 4th.

It
started out celebrating the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which
meant a bunch of guys were about to get into a big old fight and we dare you to
stop us.

Only
men signed the declaration because 1) we wanted to protect our women and
children and 2) guys like guns and
fights.

Over
time the significance of that “historic document signing” celebration took a
back seat to a different celebration that comes from the biological fact that
in the very DNA composition of the male, lodged deeply in the very core of
everything that makes men, well, men
is the incontrovertible truth that if you really want men to celebrate
something….make sure it comes with explosives.

The
4th of July is the day that even the police turn their heads as men on every
block of the nation get to blow things up! Living in Tennessee that means
mortars exploding 500 feet in the air, roman candles shooting fireballs at each
other and every possible form of firecracker.

I
feel sorry for men in states that are too wussie to allow fireworks. California
for example where I moved from have “fireworks” but they amount to “snakes”
which “thrill you” with the excitement of ashes, and sparklers which are great
for kids………..which is my point.
The 4th was supposed to represent a courageous but dangerous time in America.

Let
me make this perfectly clear, if you have a device that needs to be lit and yet
doesn’t have the potential to blow your hand clean off at the wrist…IT’S NOT
A FIREWORK!! It’s a glorified match!!

Guys
know this intuitively which is why when boys get sparklers to play with it
takes less than 2 minutes before they are tossing them towards the yard trying
to make them stick in the ground while dad fetches the hose for the inevitable
sparkler on the neighbors roof scenario that keeps the 4th festive.

I am
proud of my nation and the men and women who built it and I wish all of you a
great 4th of July. Hope to see you in the emergency room!

X stands for Political Correctness

posted by Brad Stine

If you haven’t picked up on it yet,
I despise political correctness. Those of us on the “annihilate PC before it
kills us” campaign become so trained in its intricacies that we see elements of
it everywhere.

One of the earliest forms of PC by
those of us sophisticated enough to discern it was the letter X. If you think
about it the letter X never needed to exist. Once it was invented and tried out
for a while it was obvious that the letter was just there for a handout.

The only two sounds “X” makes are
sounds already made by other letters. The “X” sound combines soft e with k + s
so that “exit” actually should be spelled “eksit”. Thus saving us one more
letter to memorize and getting greater value out of far more useful letters,
which is good for the environment and cuts down on greenhouse gasses.

Don’t be fooled “X” was well aware
of its uselessness, which became abundantly clear after the last letter Z was
introduced. Suddenly, out of the blue X decided it wanted that sound too, so now if you wanted a word like zylophone, it
should be spelled Xylophone which just goes to show what pathetic ends X will
go to appear to be valuable by leeching off of others.

Of course anyone arguing with this absurd
“Who are we to tell X what he can sound like” concept would be immediately
branded a letter-aphobe and sued for “X” amount of dollars. (Which is where we
got the concept of “X” suddenly representing any and every letter OR number, which is what happens when
we let the least efficient oppress the most efficient in the name of
tolerance).

You see PC teaches us that you no
longer have to persuade the majority to agree with your position (Democracy)
but only have to yell and scream a lot about others being “intolerant” and “mean-spirited”
and “hurting your feelings” and “emotions” and “self esteem” and giving you a “tummy
ache”. The reason X eksists is because someone wasn’t courageous enough to
stand-alone and shout to the world ” Hey everyone, X is naked!”

What we don’t need is the other
letters standing up and deciding that they will no longer be trapped in the box
“society” has made for them. If X can sound like Z for no reason then why can’t
Z say that every time you go to the dentist they give you a “Z-ray” which you
can make a copy of on the Zerox machine, or make that zeroz.

Nothing changes in society until
people stand up for what is right and true regardless of the consequences from
the fascist PC elite and their religion of dominance by extortion. Follow me folks,
heck I’ll lead the charge. When I see a letter acting up and using other
letters sounds, I’ll be the first to fend of its evil advances…

Don’t even get me started on C!

What Women can learn from men

posted by Brad Stine

In honor of yesterday being Father’s day I would like to make a declaration.I am a sexist. But I’m a sexist in the best
sense of the word. If sexist meant I believed men were inherently better than
women it would be a negative concept. But that is not what I mean. To me sexist
is acknowledging and living by what used to be the age-old common sense concept
that there are indeed some things men
are better at than women, and vice-versa.

Since I’m not a woman I am not going to comment
on where women are better than men since they already know that answer and if
you don’t believe me, and you got a couple hours to kill, just ask them. One
area women believe they are better at than men is when it comes to shopping.
I’ll grant them they are more experienced at shopping than us but they’re not
necessarily as discerning when it comes to what they don’t need. This is where getting men’s advice can literally change their
life.

Women for example have a tendency to fall for
every new specialty contrivance that marketing wizards can come up with to sell
us crap we never needed in the first place. Women need men to weed out the
wheat from the chaff in order to better utilize their buying power, since
shopping is after all the modern version of the hunt. Something I might add men
are specialists in.

Personal grooming is the easiest product to con
women into buying since they are the first and only human that fell for the
concept that the way God made you is defective and the only way to feel good
about yourself is to buy and wear makeup.

Men only wear makeup when performing on stage or
screen which should tell you a little bit about what makeup actually is,
something to enhance, deceive and or con others into believing you look
different and therefore better than
you actually do. That is why acting’s universal logo is the mask. I’ll talk
about this more in depth at another session. For now let’s choose an easy
target, soap.

Soap is a concept that women notoriously
overbuy. For example there is shampoo, which is liquid soap used for your hair
and then there is body wash, which is liquid soap used for your body. This odd
delineation between soaps that are both liquid and both used while showering
makes sense to women and so they buy both products when only one was ever
needed all along.

Obviously shampoo and body wash are one and the
same. Shampoo is simply body wash that starts
with your hair.

Every man knows instinctively that shampoo
worked into a thick lather becomes overkill since there is way more suds than necessary but
when scooped up by the handful and used as a body wash while showering you kill
two birds with one stone. If shampoo is good enough to clean my hair why wouldn’t
it contain the innate ability to clean my skin as well? Nevertheless there is
liquid hair soap, liquid body soap and lest we forget liquid hand soap. We used
to use bar soap for our hands but soap makers realized that all you have to do
is liquefy soap, give it a appendage specific title and voila, you an sell
twice as much!

My point is simple ladies, sometimes guys simply
know more than you. Respect our instincts and learn from us before it’s too
late and somebody gets the bright idea to start selling makeup removal soap
cause lord knows you’ll fall for it! 
 

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