God's Comic

God's Comic

What Women can learn from men

posted by Brad Stine

In honor of yesterday being Father’s day I would like to make a declaration.I am a sexist. But I’m a sexist in the best
sense of the word. If sexist meant I believed men were inherently better than
women it would be a negative concept. But that is not what I mean. To me sexist
is acknowledging and living by what used to be the age-old common sense concept
that there are indeed some things men
are better at than women, and vice-versa.

Since I’m not a woman I am not going to comment
on where women are better than men since they already know that answer and if
you don’t believe me, and you got a couple hours to kill, just ask them. One
area women believe they are better at than men is when it comes to shopping.
I’ll grant them they are more experienced at shopping than us but they’re not
necessarily as discerning when it comes to what they don’t need. This is where getting men’s advice can literally change their
life.

Women for example have a tendency to fall for
every new specialty contrivance that marketing wizards can come up with to sell
us crap we never needed in the first place. Women need men to weed out the
wheat from the chaff in order to better utilize their buying power, since
shopping is after all the modern version of the hunt. Something I might add men
are specialists in.

Personal grooming is the easiest product to con
women into buying since they are the first and only human that fell for the
concept that the way God made you is defective and the only way to feel good
about yourself is to buy and wear makeup.

Men only wear makeup when performing on stage or
screen which should tell you a little bit about what makeup actually is,
something to enhance, deceive and or con others into believing you look
different and therefore better than
you actually do. That is why acting’s universal logo is the mask. I’ll talk
about this more in depth at another session. For now let’s choose an easy
target, soap.

Soap is a concept that women notoriously
overbuy. For example there is shampoo, which is liquid soap used for your hair
and then there is body wash, which is liquid soap used for your body. This odd
delineation between soaps that are both liquid and both used while showering
makes sense to women and so they buy both products when only one was ever
needed all along.

Obviously shampoo and body wash are one and the
same. Shampoo is simply body wash that starts
with your hair.

Every man knows instinctively that shampoo
worked into a thick lather becomes overkill since there is way more suds than necessary but
when scooped up by the handful and used as a body wash while showering you kill
two birds with one stone. If shampoo is good enough to clean my hair why wouldn’t
it contain the innate ability to clean my skin as well? Nevertheless there is
liquid hair soap, liquid body soap and lest we forget liquid hand soap. We used
to use bar soap for our hands but soap makers realized that all you have to do
is liquefy soap, give it a appendage specific title and voila, you an sell
twice as much!

My point is simple ladies, sometimes guys simply
know more than you. Respect our instincts and learn from us before it’s too
late and somebody gets the bright idea to start selling makeup removal soap
cause lord knows you’ll fall for it! 
 

At least fake Integrity

posted by Brad Stine

Remember when good moral character was at least
contrived and manufactured by our celebrities via their P.R. people? If you
were an alcoholic for example you had the courtesy to unleash your
uncontrollable rage at home where it only affected your kids, but your fans were left to believe in your screen image.

 

That is before celebrities kids got cell-phones
with video capabilities in order to film the rampage and sell it to the rags
since celebrity kids have been taught all publicity is career enhancement, just
spell my name right.

 

That is what our personality/celebrity driven
society has decayed into. Drug addiction, believe it or not, didn’t used to be
considered an upside to ones career and being sent to rehab wasn’t a great
opportunity for a photo op or a reality show.

 

I miss the times when our celebrities were
expected to at least give a nod toward integrity by faking it. Can you believe
we actually lived in a time where celebrities who were having affairs hid it
from the public so as not to ruin their career?

 

That’s right, the public expected them to act
with morals and if you didn’t, you didn’t get to flaunt it, you were outta
work. Now celebrities are running out of options when it comes to manufacturing
illicit behavior in order to appear newsworthy.

 

They even make stuff up to garner press. Who
would have conceived there was untapped profit waiting for you just by becoming
gay for a few months? It works; ask Anne Heche or Lindsey Lohan!

 

Even more inconceivable was back in the day the
press kept sins hidden so as not to make money off of others indiscretion. Babe
Ruth was a womanizing philanderer and nobody said a word. Can you imagine the
mileage a newspaper or magazine would get out of breaking the truth behind
president John F.  Kennedy’s
dalliances? The dude went hunting dames and taxpayers subsidized it. No wonder post-modernists
still lionize him, virility passes for character in their relativistic world
and it’s the closest thing that has passed for testosterone by a liberal leader
in decades.

 

But the real issue to be analyzed is what is
more pathetic, that we used to hide our sins to create the illusion of moral
mores or the fact that not only do we now publish them, the public doesn’t even
give a crap. The reason we as a culture used to hide our sins was to create an
environment of cultural norms that as a society everyone expected to abide by.

 

People in the past were not less deviant than
people today but you had to pay a price for it, it was called shame. Shame
actually worked as a societal deterrent by not necessarily instigating
character but by reminding each of us what was expected of us.

 

Divorce used to be considered shameful and that alone could actually deter it. People
were forced to count the cost of their marriage decision and it actually made
them think twice before taking the easy way out and choosing not to honor their
vows.

 

Sadly political correctness instituted a no
shame policy when it came to sin so as not to make the sinner have to “feel
bad”. Of course the feeling bad was the whole point. Relativism of course
teaches that there are no bad decisions, just different ones.

 

The only thing one is made to feel bad about now
is if you make someone else feel bad.
Actually I can’t blame celebrities for behaving like children. Society has
lionized them and they in turn have made it clear they are “artists” and as
such owe the children that look up to them…nothing.

 

Dang I could of used this back when I was in
elementary school and smarted off to teachers. Obviously their anger toward me
was a clear case of antisocial-phobia, designed to stifle my creativity. I
wasn’t disruptive, or hyper or out of control; I was just practicing to become
a celebrity.

A Global Trash-edy

posted by Brad Stine

 

 

All I
wanted to do was throw some trash away. I had a paper cup from coffee at the
airport and decided when I was done with it the prudent thing to do was throw
it away. Why Not? I’ve thrown stuff away all my life and it never was
complicated before. 

Here’s how it used to work. You had some trash, which was
easily distinguishable from non-trash because you were finished with it. It
could be a paper cup I mentioned earlier or an already read newspaper or
magazine. It could be a candy bar wrapper or a boarding pass you no longer
need. Trash was obvious and a trashcan was provided in numerous places around
the airports to make it easy to keep America clean. 

There was a campaign years
ago that trained us not to be, and I quote, ‘Litterbugs”. I realize nowadays
that would be a disparaging remark in regards to bugs but that’s beside the
point. It was a simpler time when grown ups allowed a bear to tell them not to
play with matches. We were no longer supposed to throw trash out of the car
window while driving anymore as well but instead to save it and put it in the
officially designated trashcan.

 It was easy once you got used to it. Like
wearing seatbelts it became a habit and once acquired it felt wrong not doing
it. But even though saving your trash until you found a trashcan was inconvenient,
at least it made things cleaner and made you feel responsible in honoring our environment.
It was an easy way to do your part. 

So back to my story..I’m walking over to
the trash can to throw my cup away and find out that this isn’t just any old
trash can, but is a highly specialized can that was there not for trash, but
for newspaper waste. Next to that was one for glass and plastic. Suddenly throwing
trash away is no longer a simple task but instead is a recycle nightmare. They
want to encourage us to keep the world clean but they want to do it in a way
that is ridiculously impractical. I have some trash that I want to dispose of.
Is the paper from my cup equivalent to newspaper…paper? Where does gum wrappers
go or McDonalds bags. All stuff that is sold in airports, they just no longer
make it easy to dispose of it.

 Kind of a reverse scavenger hunt where you have
many different objects to start with and now have the task of finding a proper
disposal place. I went ahead and left my cup in the middle of the floor as a
silent protest to all who have ears to hear. “You want me to recycle? Give me a
can and you can sort it out.” Just how lazy are these eco-worshipers? You want
us to sacrifice; maybe you can get your
lazy butts to the recycle Mecca and start sorting out the plastic from the
newspapers?

 Yeah, just as I thought, the new progressives believe in
controlling your life, as long as they don’t have to get dirty. You want to
stop liberal fascism? Make it a law they have to live by their own ideology.
Once they have to wade through banana peels to save a tree downed by a
Starbucks cup, they’ll finally come to the conclusion the rest of us already
found. It’s getting colder out genius, and sometimes humans should be able to
dump their trash without it becoming a sacred ritual! The truth sure is
inconvenient huh?

What were they thinking!!

posted by Brad Stine

 So I’m sitting at home minding my own business ( who else’s business should I be minding while sitting at home?) when Beliefnet contacts me and asks me if I would care to blog for them. Normally I would think this was a scheme perpetrated by an editor who after a tequila binge thought it would make for a funny story to call me and act as though they were fans all the while trying to stifle their laughter. See I have read Beliefnet many times and really enjoyed the site. What blew me away was that they were serious. One wonders how bad things have gotten when a well respected website of “all things spiritual” has to resort to a Christian/comedian to bring a fresh perspective to the trials and tribulations of Christians in America. In other words how low does God have to stoop in order to get His message to the masses?

You see my friend’s I’m neither a theologian nor a prophet, neither am I a Dr. or a pastor. I am a comedian, a layman and a moron…. I’m like you! A regular guy trying to finish this crazy race called faith without running out of breath and puking on the side of the road too often.

So let me introduce myself, my name is Brad Stine. I have been a professional stand-up comic for 20 years now and deliver my comedy with bullet point demagoguery for my people from the Judeo/Christian worldview. (Just like my title said coincidentally) I have been seen on HBO, Showtime, NBC Nightly news, ABC Nightline, Glenn Beck, Hannity & Colmes, CNN, Fox and Friends Fresh Air on NPR and had a 10 pg profile about me in the New Yorker magazine. (They are the ones that dubbed me God’s Comic by the way) If you are not familiar with my comedy that is fine since I have 5 DVD’s out plus 2 books so you can buy them to catch up with my talents, which has the added bonus of allowing me to feed my kids.

If you are familiar with my work then you are already laughing out loud wondering how long it will take for Beliefnet to become aware of my incompetence and fire me. (I give it 6 months tops) My plan is to speak to you guys through this column about general observations that annoy me as well as social commentary and items that are newsworthy as well. All of this will hopefully be humorous with a dash of sarcasm and a pinch of irreverence. I will always battle Political Correctness as I despise its philosophy more than any I have ever come across. I want to watch Political Correctness die in my lifetime…but first..I want to watch it suffer! I also want to show that Christians can use the same tools of comedy i.e. sarcasm, edginess etc as the secular comic and make a point without using curse words or gratuitous sexual references which has become the status quo in the comedy club circuit.

So in conclusion if you are a Christian or a seeker or just someone who enjoys different points of view and are tired of the atheists (Bill Maher) the left leaning liberals (Jon Stewart) the intellectually fascist academics (Richard Dawkins) or the legalistic evangelicals (take your pick) having all the fun get a load of me! Who knows you might enjoy it and learn something? If not have no fear, come back in 6 months and tell Beliefnet you told them so!!

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