God's Comic

God's Comic

Eat sugar you coward!

posted by Brad Stine

 

 

With school only a few weeks away I ask you, where
would we be w/o that purveyor of truth and tolerance…. the education system?
What must it be like to be so concerned about children that you can begin to
dictate what they are allowed to eat at school and more importantly at home.

I bought some frosted flakes the other day and
failed to notice that they came with a 3rd less sugar. Let me make
this crystal clear. There is only one reason why I buy frosted flakes….FOR THE FROSTED PART! 

If I wanted frosted flakes with the sugar
removed I would have bought Wheaties! My wife tells me the kids can’t bring sodas
to school or snack cakes because the school is so concerned about obesity. They
desperately don’t want my kids getting fat by food.

They also don’t want them getting fat because of
pregnancy but apparently that’s a different fix. Condoms are available so our
kids can have sex but it won’t make them fat. THERE’S your moral compass from
the secular humanist. Heck if you encourage indulgence without consequences
then why not be consistent and apply it to food?

Kids should be taught how to eat whatever and
how much they want including snack cakes and Twinkies and then just teach them
how to throw up. What’s the difference? Have sex…no pregnancy, or, eat empty
calories then we’ll teach you how to remove the danger through the free-choice
of purging, heck we’ll even call it your constitutional right! All without
inconveniently notifying you’re parents. I mean isn’t that what school was
intended for.

Sure we have a problematic national school
system that ranks near the bottom in math and such. But I’ll bet we’re at the
top of the list when it comes to teaching kids what to eat and how to use
prophylactics.

Remember we live in a society whose chief aim is
to allow us to indulge our appetites. Whatever I desire becomes my “right”.
Really?  I desire frosted flakes
with a third MORE sugar. I want at least a cup poured at the bottom of the box
to ensure my sugar fix; but no, not with big brother at the helm. The new
battle cry for school kids is simple,

 Don’t
deny me and don’t judge me either as my self-esteem couldn’t take the hit. Of
course reading and writing and arithmetic have their place, but when I fail at
it you can teach me how to sue others for bias or prejudice or emotional
distress. That’s what the founding fathers had in mind for school, to teach me
and ESPECIALLY others…that no one is more important than me!

Yes school really came into its own when it
began to be run by the politically correct and no longer demanded personal
responsibility. You removed swats and discipline along time ago and OH aren’t
kids nicer now? Finally you created a learning environment where kids can be
trusted with automatic weapons.

All of this and you think that the real problem
for our kids isn’t moral absolutes; it’s with sugar in frosted flakes? Enough
is enough. This is education in America baby! Stay away from my sugar and pass
the condoms, just like the founding fathers intended.

Do you speak Christian-ese?

posted by Brad Stine

I
grew up in the church. Consequently I became fluent in Christian-ese by age of
10. Christian-ese for those who don’t know is the ability to communicate ideas
through the prism of some tradition or denominationally imposed borders usually
based on terms and words taken from the King James Bible.

King
J used a lot of cool words and idioms that define American Christian-ese like “blessed”
and “stumbling block”.

 

 King Jimmy also used words that would be
considered inappropriate for use in a Sunday service. One of the classics being
the word “pisseth” (1 Sam: 25:22) which by adding the middle ages “eth” sound
suddenly makes it sound less scatological and much more sophisticated. It seems
to me one mans “piss” is another man’s “tinkle”.

 

Consider
the fact that some Christians do not use the word “crap”. Which begs the
question if “pisseth” is in the Word could they transform “crap” into the
middle ages vernacular of “crappeth” which sounds not only less offensive but
actually something a middle ages blue blood would say. At least it beats
“poopeth”.


The
suffix “eth” could be used on many occasions by the ultra jot and tittle minded
law abiding legalist by allowing them to let loose when need be to get their
point across all the while staying within their self imposed boundaries of
appropriate Christian-ese.

 

Suddenly
the dreaded “fart” word becomes “farteth” which not only describes the action
“It seems there’s a farteth in the vicinity”, (as though we ever need someone
to point it out) but sounds sophisticated thus getting them one step closer to
holiness.

 

The
word “dang” that some avoid as a synonym for “damn” (which is in the Bible and used there ironically enough) could be
morphed into “dangeth”, which has a cute ” I’m a debutante in Memphis and can’t
wait to get this dangeth party started”, ring to it!

 

As
a professional comic for 20 years and a professional Christian for 39, I am
well aware of the standards of decency that we as followers should stand for. I
have spent my career not using curse words to prove the point that creativity
is funnier than crude.

I
am also a believer though in the learned exercise of context over content
meaning that sometimes words that are earthier can be used on occasion if they
help emphasize a point to draw people closer to truth.

 

When
David says He will kill everyone that “pisseth against the wall” he is using a
Hebrew expression referring to men. It is a gritty and earthy word and, may I
say, a very manly word. It wakes you up and forces you to feel what the writer
feels.

 

I
don’t believe God cares about the word or He wouldn’t have left it in the Bible
yet we live in a Christian-ese culture that would never use pisseth in a sermon
for fear of offending, agreed?

 

So
have we reached a place where those who believe the Bible is written by God,
still censor some of His own words
since they are considered inappropriate in mixed company? Wow! Now THAT is
reaching holiness that even has God scratching his head………(assuming of course
Gods head ever itches..)


Silicone Valley!

posted by Brad Stine

 I just spent the last 10 days in southern CA
because if there is one thing I can’t get enough of its pretentiousness. No
matter how worldly and self-indulgent I am at times (as in I can’t count that
high) I have reconciled the fact that I am after all a sinner saved by grace.
The good news is I can always count on CA to help assuage some of my self-debasement
at failing Gods desire for my conformity to His will.

 How? Because in So Cal when it comes to pride and narcissism
even I can suddenly find myself bordering on sainthood. The flesh driven
conformity to the So Cal sub-culture is so absolute that it borders on cultish.

 First lets start with the fake boobs shall we. What in the
name of everything holy ever convinced a woman that filling plastic balloons
with salt water and having them surgically implanted inside her God-given
breasts was a good idea?  How
creepy does it get? We’re talking body augmentation that borders on butchery.

 Just the plain fact that this is purely a vanity call as
opposed to reparative surgery correcting disfigurement due to disease or a
really bad day running the band-saw should be enough to give a secure woman
pause. Are your breasts truly how you gauge your self worth? This is one of the
many areas where the feminist movement that is so ingrained in the psyche of
the 21st century American woman constantly drops the ball in my opinion.

 They
instigated the concept of a women being independent and in no need of a man yet
they aren’t outraged by the fact that most of what women buy or “buy into” is
based on impressing a man. I guess try as they might the relativist still
doesn’t realize they cannot escape our natural proclivity to desire and seek
being desired by the opposite sex.

But if there is any concept most humans would
say is tantamount to healthy relationship its honesty. Body augmentation is
dishonest in that it tries to recreate the natural. Or in most cases pretend
the unnatural is real. It also teaches us that who we really are and what we
will become naturally must be manipulated to maintain not the dignity and
respect of maturity but instead the worship of bodily youth. There’s a
guaranteed losing proposition for you.

 Again there is a difference between exercise and healthy
lifestyle to help our aging become potentially less debilitating and refusing
to allow ourselves to outwardly reveal what we have inwardly learned, getting
older is not only natural, it’s beautiful. Well internally anyway, the body…not
so much. But so what? It’s called maturity for crying out loud.

 Of
course boobs are only a beginning. We have poison serum hypodermically injected
as a wrinkle eraser, inflatable lips and of course the classic face lift
because nothing looks more natural then the appearance of shoving your face through
a doggie door and getting stuck half way out the other side.

 I’m
not saying men don’t have their own alteration fixation. Hair plugs, calf
implants and manicures are very real needs to the So Cal man but being a man
they aren’t nearly as crucial as a Porsche, American Express Platinum, and a
skybox. Men have learned that cash and power makes any man a model and gets you
all the babes you want. Look at Marilyn Manson

 So
next time you start getting down on yourself for feeling less holy or too self
centered do yourself a favor. Pray that God would help you in your quest to be
less flesh driven and more conformed to His likeness. If that seems too
laborious you can always head to Southern California where shallowness is an
art form while the rest of America is still painting by numbers.

The New Slave Trade!

posted by Brad Stine

 

I am shocked to say that slavery is still alive
and well in America. The culprits, exactly who you would least suspect, the
“alleged” animal rights activists. Animal rights activists always entertain me
with their lack of consistency. I am not a big animal lover but I also believe
they are not to be abused or mistreated.

This is the same message you would get from an
animal rights activist because the animal rights activists are the geniuses
that coined the phrase “species-ists”. I know, I know, it sounds like a punch
line at best or at least a frightening term one would find in a science fiction
book from George Orwell. Right up there with big brother and thought police.

Unfortunately the problem is it is all too real.
There are humans that believe that being
human is in no way superior to being non-human even though humans are the only
species with the capability of making that distinction. Dogs don’t since even
though they’re “smart” they still sniff each other’s butt. Seems like it
shouldn’t take more than once to know what a butt smells like and to avoid it
at all costs? Plus wouldn’t that be
something your “memes” would pass on as soon as possible Dr. Dawkins?

I don’t blame animals of course since all
they’re looking for is three steady meals. The problem as I see it and lets
face it, I’m the only one that matters at this point, is the moment you take a
wild animal out of it’s environment and teach it to act contrary to its
instincts. It is precisely at this moment that you are acting inhumanely since
you are controlling its autonomy.

Lets analyze the human/pet interaction and see
what it looks like shall we? The animal lover always speaks about the pet in
loving terms and assures us “they’re like one of the family”. They oftentimes
refer to the pet as “just like their children”. Really? You need someone to
guide your analysis a bit.

First off you OWN an animal, you get to
sterilize it in the name of compassion, you can sell off its young whenever you
want to make money, you can have it killed without penalty, and command it to
obey your bidding, including the ultimate indignity, telling it where it is
allowed to relieve itself. That makes pet owners sound more like a slave owner
than a humane individual.

Precisely why your called “master” I assume. A
true animal lover should be releasing their cats into the wild so they can
regain their killer instincts. Don’t coddle a poodle but teach them to assume
the fierceness that poodles lost when they were removed from the pack and their
fur went from a thick armor designed to fend off attacks to carefully coiffed
sweater-like appearance designed to make them represent a walking Q-tip.

We live in a time where animal rights fanatics
will always stop any human progress of building or seeking energy if it in
anyway inconveniences an animal or for that matter a moth or a mollusk.

Animals in their world aren’t treated as well as
humans but actually better than us. A
whale ends up on our beach we’ll spend thousands returning it to the sea. We
fall into the sea, the creatures eat us. Ironically they call our treating
animals gingerly being humane. You know, from the word human.

That’s my point after all. The fact that we
discuss how to treat animals proves we are superior to them because I guarantee
animals in the Serengeti aint having this conversation. They treat us animally
because they are beneath us since they posses no compassion.

All I’m asking is to be consistent and do the
humane thing by setting them free and letting the strong survive. If for know
other reason than I have got to see what a pack of poodles looks like in their
hunt for their former groomer. He’s going down!

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