God's Comic

God's Comic

Say it or go hungry!

posted by Brad Stine

Last night was Halloween. For those of you unfamiliar with
the holiday it’s a beautiful time of year where small children are encouraged
to pretend to be someone else and come to the homes of strangers and ask for
candy.

Ironically the other 364 days of the year we spend telling
children NOT to take candy from strangers, especially ones that have a corpse
or bloody appendages on their front porch.

Hey it’s never too early to prepare kids for the phenomenon
of mixed messages and confusion to all things adult as we usher them into their
puberty. It was a bitter sweet night for the wife and I as for the first time
in 14 years we had neither our son or 10 yr old daughter to walk the blocks
with as they collected enough goodies to keep dentists in business for years to
come.

(On a side note they say the Celts invented Halloween and
after a little research I found out the “Celt” is an ancient Gallic word
meaning ” cavity creators”.)

Our kids were with friends this time and so we sat on the
porch and waited for the kids to come up and seek to reap their reward. As much
as the missus and I don’t have in a lot in common generally in this one thing
we were united; No one got even one
tootsie roll without uttering the magic phrase, “Trick or Treat”.

Many kids would come up to us not saying a word and simply
open their bags as though we were obligated to give them their desires. It’s
like the holiday version of teaching kids that entitlements are part of being
American.

It’s bad enough that the holiday implied that if you don’t
give us candy there will be hell to pay, but now these narcissists believe even
following through with the ritual of saying 3 words is too much to ask.

As they stood there we would ask “what do you have to say”
and normally the response was …”uhhh, please?..no thank you?…even a couple
“happy Halloween!”

It took them a few moments to get it and normally I would
start it with a ” tri..tri…trick…?” like I was trying to coax something legible
from someone who had suffered a brain trauma and was only now realizing they
weren’t Scandinavian.

Eventually they would say “Trick or treat” and we would feel
like we had actually contributed something beautiful to society by keeping not
only tradition alive, but also common courtesy. My next assignment is to try to
get their parents to use their turn signals. A much more difficult task and one
where perhaps a rotting corpse or a dancing skeleton may actually come in
handy!

 

Whistle while I rant

posted by Brad Stine

Heard a guy whistling at the airport the other day.
Americans used to whistle a lot more especially in movies. Humphrey Bogart,
Jimmy Cagney, Jimmy Stewart were all whistlers and it even seemed particularly masculine.

I don’t know when whistling stopped or why. Was it custom
that died out because others grew annoyed at the whistle guy and punched him
periodically, or was it because of something much more sinister? Remember, in
the world of PC-eople they must always find “oppressors” so they have an enemy
to, well, oppress!

It’s easy and it works like this.

“What evil syndicate do you suppose would have cause to be behind the prejudice of
whistle censoring? …Oh I think I know and if you take a moment it becomes
fairly obvious….Ready?…BATTERY MANUFACTURES!!!

Before I-pods and portable cd players were invented we HAD
to whistle more because these battery
driven
devices made it obsolete to have to entertain ourselves!

Whistling was the earliest form of music download since you
could whistle any song you wanted in any order, at any time. You didn’t have to
pay royalties for it and you never needed batteries!

Who’s to say the battery people powers that be, in their
unrestrained lust for profits and likewise fearing the loss of their market
share monopoly subversively instituted this “it’s weird to whistle, “environment
we now find ourselves trapped in.

Whistling is Gods gift to us. We learned it from the birds.
They whistle every morning and we love listening to it.  It’s a soothing natural sound.

Birds are proud to whistle and do it every day despite the
fact that they have to whistle under the
tremendous handicap of not having
lips!!!
Birds instead have these big hard unforgiving castanet’s that have to pass for
lips and they whistle anyways,
unashamed and undaunted.

Not humans. Now we’ve decided that if something is going to
take a little effort to become proficient maybe we should just go ahead and
invent a machine to do it for us. Stinking battery people and their lust for
profit!

 The best thing
about whistling was it was something you could do even if you couldn’t sing! Heck
Andy Griffith even made it his theme song. Yes it was a much more innocent age
before the battery people decided to instigate their Orwellian ways.

 I suppose they
thought we were too stupid to catch onto their little game? What with all the
different size batteries, some cylinder shaped while others conveniently come
in the shape of a rectangle just so we didn’t get any crazy ideas of one size
fits all thus instituting the necessity of us having to buy every conceivable
battery shape they could throw at us!

It’s time for open-minded tolerant people to unite and break
the back of these ruthless tyrants to prove we are slaves to no one but our
ideology! This will be our legacy to humanity that we for one will not be tied
down to technology but will instead honor our uniqueness by whistling whenever
the mood hits and let I-pods and other mechanical beasts be damned!

We are autonomous and plan to stay that way!!! See how easy
it is to become a PC Marxist? I have more but I must run, the battery in my
computer is dying.

Is cancer courageous?

posted by Brad Stine

How
come every time we hear about someone getting cancer it’s usually framed under
the  “courageous battle they’re
fighting” banner? How are you being courageous simply by being diagnosed with a
disease? The fact that you are searching for a cure and trying to remain
positive while under dire circumstances isn’t called courageous, it’s called
not dead yet. Sounds to me more like common sense!

You
really don’t have a whole heck of a lot of options do you? Outside of joining
the French foreign legion there really isn’t anything courageous to do while you’re trying to get healed! Courageous is
the wrong word I think. Hope and persistence in seeking a cure is the more
accurate term I would guess and the only admirable trait is you don’t commit
suicide before it arrives but instead are optimistic about a positive outcome.

Cancer
like other residues of the fall is a disease. For some it will become terminal.
But the truth of life is the moment you are conceived you are terminal. You are
stricken with the ultimate killer disease that is never cured, mortality. The
truth is if we admit it to ourselves is this courageous battle thing is
actually the rest of us thinking if we praise the one with cancer maybe we won’t get it.

We
feel sorry for cancer victims and think heaping accolades on them somehow make
the rest of us invulnerable to it happening to us. The truth is every day you
are alive is one day closer to you being dead. It seems if we all saw life as a
terminal illness it would actually give us as humans the truth perspective we
could all live by.

So if
being told we’re dying is courageous, and since we are all dying then aren’t we
all potentially leading courageous lives. That is if courage means not quitting
or it means always seeking the winning outcome to a game that is already
rigged.

Faith
to me is courageous. I don’t see God like I see humans. I don’t communicate,
understand or feel completely at ease with the way God interacts in my life. I
am told by my faith to HAVE faith in God in order to please Him. As a matter of
fact faith is the only way to please
God by His own words.

 

Just
in case there is anyone out there that believes I’m being insensitive to people
with cancer I should inform you my dad died of it. The cancer that ate his
brain and killed an otherwise healthy man of 59 who was gone within 6 months of
diagnosis was cruel and evil and horrific. It robbed him of his speech, motors-kills
and ability to communicate.

I
hate cancer. But it is real. Death is real. Dying is real and there is nothing
particularly courageous about it since we don’t have a choice to avoid it.
Courage is throwing yourself on a grenade to save your squad when you didn’t
have too. Dying for others when you could have survived is courageous. Death is
handed to us whether we like it or not. Death is leaving this earth too soon
without your consent.

It’s
coming though. Everyone reading this will be dead within a hundred years. True
courage comes with how you live your life to inspire others. How you die is an
extension of this and can be inspiring as well but how you die isn’t your
choice. It is thrust upon you. If you have lived well the dying is a comfort, a
reward for completing the journey. In my opinion dying isn’t courageous…living
is.

 

Do I have to bite my tongue?

posted by Brad Stine

After many years as a “Christian comedian” I
have often been asked if I thought God had a sense of humor? Well here are a
couple examples where I would vote for the affirmative.

In all my many years on earth I can’t begin to
count the times I have bitten my tongue. Everyone has experienced this
annoyance and every time I do it makes me wonder if this is one of God’s great
practical jokes?

Being God and all powerful, when you finally get
around to creating worshipers it probably makes sense to make them somewhat
entertaining. Being Omniscient he also must have anticipated our rebellion and
so worked in the funny stuff as retribution for what was coming. Biting your
tongue being one of these. Why? Because the reason we bite our tongue is
because God designed it to be permanently fixed next to our teeth.

 Uh,
you think He didn’t see this catastrophe potential? Your tongue may be the
softest item on your body, whose job is to manipulate food all the while trying
to avoid the hardest thing on our body, our teeth. TEETH! Their only purpose is
to cut, grind, chew, crush and mutilate food, which normally comes in the same
texture as your tongue.

Just as sharks are known for mistaking surfers
for seals and consequently making meat of them, why would one expect our teeth
to do anything less when it comes to tongue chewing? Heck I have even bitten my
own finger before while putting a morsel of food in my pie hole which not only
hurts but couldn’t possibly make you feel any more stupid.

Another part of our body positioned for maximum
hilarity from Gods front row seat in our comedy of errors is our shins. Shins
are also some of the most sensitive parts of our body and thus were positioned
nice and low on our legs, (technically referred to as “coffee-table height”)
right in the front mind you for maximum damage opportunity.

If God didn’t want us to get hurt he would have
either A) placed then behind our legs where our calves are now so they would
rarely be smashed, or B) armor plate our shins with some kind of protective
shield. They say our body is full of iron that would have been perfect! God
must have foreseen much comedy potential in the leg area since that is also
what our toes inhabit. Toes are so good at smashing into things, especially in
the dark that they actually necessitated the invention of shoes.

Our thighs are ripe for a Charlie horse, which
is perfect for rounding out the leg as a human whoopee cushion for Gods enjoyment.
Of course for men, God initiated a special laugh getter known as the groin in
mixed company. Yeah nothing like taking an organ from inside your body and
putting it on the outside to ensure a lot of potential yuks throughout the year.

Lastly there is the aptly named “funny bone”
which, when struck, is funny only for the observer as opposed to the receiver
who finds nothing funny about it whatsoever. The fact that it was named that
shows that God had this planned all along to find much entertainment from his
creation. Maybe it serves us right after all when we consider what He was
forced to sacrifice on our behalf, and to be fair He did invent gravity so all
of us can enjoy the pleasure of watching somebody slip on the ice. Yeah getting
hurt is kinda funny, as long as it happens to someone else. 

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