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God's Comic

God's Comic

Conspiracy theory

posted by Brad Stine

I came across a classic Christmas song the other
day and after examining the words I have come to realize how easily humans
accept ideas at face value without scrutinizing them for philosophical and/or
cultural flaws. The song I’m referring to of course is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer”.

Here are the lyrics with my copious notes:

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer”…

Stop!
First off, why bring up the red nose? If you have a red-nosed reindeer it is
fairly obvious and social decorum would dictate you keep it to yourself to save
the reindeer’s embarrassment. We don’t treat others that way normally. Who goes
around introducing others like “Hey there’s Jimmy the Pockmarked postman”, or ”
Have you met Nancy the lazy-eyed court reporter”? No. In the past the only time
we emphasized a physical flaw in others is when were trying to sell tickets to
a sideshow. I’m pro sideshow mind you but I’m looking for an alligator skinned
women or a snouted man, before plunking down good money. For a red nose?, ..Not
so much.

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“had a very shiny nose”..

Wait
a minute. You just told me in the first line it was red, now it’s shiny? Ball
bearings are shiny; patent leather shoes as well, not necessarily a color. So
which is it red or shiny?

“and if you ever saw it”..

Why
would I? I don’t need too since you already described it to me.

“you would even say it glows”…

GLOWS!?
The moon glows, candles glow, how could you possibly confuse a glow for red or
shiny? Why can’t you get your story straight? Who are you protecting?

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“All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and
call him names”..

Why
not, he’s a reindeer with an indecipherable nose issue; something needs to be
said
.

“they never let poor Rudolph”..

Poor?
How do you know? You have access to his tax returns, what, suddenly it’s a
class struggle; we have to play the poor card? Fear not Rudolph, Obama’s in
office, redistributed wealth is coming

“play in any reindeer games”

Does
he care? What could a reindeer game consist of anyway? They have hooves for Pete’s
sake. Hooves not fingers. That rules out any board games that involve dice.
(Can’t grip em) no ball games. (Can’t hold a bat, catch a football or dribble a
basketball) or any charades since it would be impossible for him to indicate
how many words or syllables. Sounds like he’s not missing much!

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“Then one foggy Christmas eve..”

huh,
foggy where the North Pole? It’s probably foggy a lot there but what are you
saying the entire earth got foggy on the same night? That sounds like the
apocalypse to me. What’s next, locusts and boils?

“Santa came to say..”

finally
Santa shows up. Where was he all the times Rudolph was being ridiculed and in
pain? Can anyone believe in a Santa that seems to ignore us in our darkest
hour?

“Rudolph with your nose so bright..”

Santa
please! Keep up, here are your options the nose is either red, shiny or glowy. None
of which fit the category of bright or someone would have said so long ago
during the reindeer-mocking Rudolph sessions.

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“won’t you guide my sleigh tonight”?

Let
me get this straight. Santa spent a year using magic elves to build, paint, box
& wrap every possible gift imaginable. From Lego’s to tennis bracelets,
yachts to wii’s. He is able to pack every gift for every human on earth in one
sleigh and deliver it, via chimney, to every human on earth in one night, but
somehow you were unable to fashion a couple headlights to your sleigh and
needed to call on the freak?

“Then how the reindeer loved him..”

Oh
yeah that’s gonna happen, when they hated and mocked him his whole life and
suddenly he’s thrust into the spotlight to accomplish something these brats
were incapable of, thus putting him in the category of Santa’s favorite;
Suddenly they’re all going to let bygones be bygones and embrace him as
misunderstood and they’ll receive the revelation of their own arrogance and
bullying and suddenly repent asking his forgiveness which he’ll grant readily
as he is an enlightened soul? Who wrote this story the Hallmark channel?

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“as they shouted out with glee”..

Glee?
Who uses the word glee? Yeah that’s what the song was missing, an archaic word
from a nineteenth century romance novel to keep the song exciting.

“Rudolph the red, (shiny, glowing, bright,) nosed
reindeer, you’ll go down in history”.

Why
not? There isn’t a lot of competition for classic songs featuring reindeer. As
a matter of fact it may be the only reindeer song ever penned. The fact that he
was genetically mutated just gave the song the conflict it needed to give it
legs.

By
the way I just heard about a buffalo in Wyoming that was born with 2 heads, 6
legs and it lived. Sounds like the making of a new Christmas classic. Where’s Mel
Torme when you need him?

 

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A Snow death

posted by Brad Stine

It
snowed last night. Snow is a curse. Snow is evil. Snow is what happens when the
atmosphere solidifies and falls on your head. Snow is Chicken Little’s
justification. Snow falls from the heavens and smothers the earth. It is cold,
wet, and slippery. There is no upside to walking in snow. It gets in your shoes
and up your pant legs.

 Its main purpose on cement is to
disguise the ice. Ice is snows evil twin. Those foolish enough to walk out in
snow are sure to get too cocky and believe that walking from your front door to
your car because, I don’t know, you have a life and actually have to go to
work, is going to be as safe as yesterday’s walk was when it didn’t snow.

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 This lasts until the first step on your
top step and you slip on the ice and go down hard. Usually this results in a
broken wrist, cracked head or broken tailbone. How about that? An atmospheric
phenomenon destined to cause you to slip to the ground. Don’t talk to me about the
upside of snow. I don’t want to hear about skiing and snowboarding. Skiing is
harnessed slipping. Because you slip on snow we as humans decided to try and
contain it.

Mountain
owning entrepreneurs were even more enterprising. If you come to my mountain
and slip on the snow, I’m going to charge you. Anyone who slips on purpose
deserves a capitalist to, well, capitalize on your ignorance. Don’t tell me
snow is beautiful. Flowers are beautiful, the sky is beautiful, and mountain
ranges are beautiful. During a snowstorm, mountains and the sky become
undecipherable and the snow kills the colorful vegetation.

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 Snow is white. White isn’t beautiful.
White is a non-color. The bible said before creation everything was dark.
Darkness is white without the sun. White is essentially colorless, it’s clear.
No one finds beauty in clear. No one pines over the stunning color of Vaseline.
White is the color of a sheet of paper or a fresh canvas. The beauty isn’t in
the lack of color it’s the potential that color is coming. We are going to
paint color onto the blankness and reveal beauty. White lies on the ground and
reminds us that one-day grass and flowers will return and beauty will reign.

 Early man didn’t know snow was coming
because it’s a result of the fall. That’s why we say that snow is falling. The original snow angels were
early humans collapsing in the snow and in their death throes they began
thrashing around. People found them later, saw the angel shape in the snow and
figured angels were laying on them trying to warm them up. Snow is like pain. Its
value is in teaching us that someday it will be gone. Someday a bright blue sky
and warm sun will return. Green grass and trees, flowers and birds are just
around the corner.

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 We endure snow because we have no
option, but we trust God that the new season is coming. We thank Him for snow
because we know we are in His care even in dire circumstances. Snow is an
object lesson in trudging through the worst of the journey in the firm belief
there is a lodge waiting on the other side with a warm fire, a robe and
slippers and some hot cider.

 This is what I think of snow. Not that I
am poetic but instead I find myself freezing in the driveway shoveling it so we
can go to church. This is a Christian’s version of pragmatism. If whining about
snow is a sin, by turning it into a devotional I get paid and seem spiritual at
the same time. How about that, snow does have an upside!

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Let there be P on earth

posted by Brad Stine

The
atheist idiot ideology is at it again. Apparently taking umbrage with a 19-year
tradition of putting a nativity scene and Christmas tree on the lawn of the
Washington state capitol they responded with a placard denouncing Christianity
as a fairytale and also state that many of the Christmas traditions like
choosing Dec 25 and decorating trees was stolen from the pagans.

Only
an atheist could be self deluded enough to believe insulting a religion they
don’t believe in by sticking up for a religion they don’t believe in could be
considered rational. Reason after all is the god of the atheist and so I
suppose they do have more in common with the pagan since they both worship
creation instead of the creator. The last sentence of the diatribe is as
follows; “Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and
enslaves minds”.

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They
make it a point to attack “religion”, wait, ok so who am I kidding? I’ll
re-phrase. They make it a point to attack Christianity
because it’s more dangerous than the other religions? No. It’s much more
pragmatic than that. They know what would happen if they tried this with
Muslims. Apparently atheists and theists agree on one thing, that it’s easier
to debate when you have a head.

It is
times like this that my faiths dictums become truly intrusive especially the
“love your enemy” command. C’mon God, are you sure you didn’t mean beat the
crap out of your enemy and then repent?

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I
mean atheists have been emboldened in recent years not to debate the tribe but
instead to insult, malign, attack, disparage and crap on those of us who hold
to traditional Christian worldview. During Christmas season what used to be a
colorful festive time of year that brought a spirit of giving and goodwill to
all Americans has been transformed in to a battle for culture and what we’re
left to show for it, if atheists win, is drab lifeless December. Nothing
beautiful and awe inspiring ever came from an atheist worldview. If religion is
a banquet of hope, atheism is Tofu injected Spam.

Ok atheists
go ahead and take away the communal spirit of Christmas that at least gave
Americans some concept to unite around regardless of religious belief! But what
are you going to replace it with? What exactly does your enlightened point of
view leave us Americans as a legacy? You demand our government respect and
acknowledge your faith in nothingness and yet the only time history has ever
seen atheism rule it ended in over 200,000,000 deaths at the hands of Stalin,
Mao, Pol Pot, and our North Korean gnome Kim Jong il; All that by the way in
under a hundred years.

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What
would an atheist Christmas look like anyway? A consistent atheist December
would ban all lighting displays I suppose since red and green in December are
considered Christmas colors and would be offensive to the ignored mauve and
teal. Black bulbs would be the atheist display because it encompasses all
colors and that would be their inclusive gift to us.

They
already have removed trees and nativities but Santa should be out too and
should be fought with the same vigor since he is the only fictional character of the season we can prove doesn’t exist. I’ll let you guys break it to the kids. Tinsel
isn’t biodegradable so nix it because the worship of earth takes precedent to
everything else. Earth is all we get till we die so it ends up being the atheist’s
nirvana.

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Earth
is it? How pathetic is that? Yet to eliminate Christmas as we have celebrated
it as a nation since it became a national holiday in 1870 leaves us with what every
atheistic idea does…nothing. Their hatred and bigotry toward God and Christians
in general removes even the sentiment of “peace on earth, goodwill toward men”
and leaves instead the sediment of an open sewer that poisons anything pure
that gets in its way.

They
consider themselves the enlightened ones by plunging humanity into narcissistic
darkness where even the sense of the beautiful is sacrificed for the sake of
human worship and not offending. Well-done atheists, what a wonderful legacy.
I’m sure Marx would be proud. Merry nothingness.

I
have a gift for ya though. A human brain displayed in a jar of urine. That is
the art you have given us, and like a good Christmas fruitcake I figured you
would want it back, it’s obvious you’re not using yours.

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Christmas with a capital C

posted by Brad Stine

As of
this writing the GoFish song Christmas with a Capital C is one of the most
requested songs on Christian radio. This song sampled my Christmas rant from
“Put a Helmet On!” and has well over 14 MILLION hits on YouTube. The song and
my routine is simply a response to the politically correct nonsense that has
essentially censored the age-old American tradition of celebrating Christmas in
stores, schools and businesses.

Of
course “Christmas” itself is not being censored in that there is still a break
given to school kids nation wide that has somehow morphed into a celebration of
snow and winter, because after all, who doesn’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside
when they see slush and freezing rain? It is the use of the word Christmas and
its religious connotations that are being erased of course. The fact that we
still have stores selling gifts, ribbon, trees, wrapping paper, tinsel, stars,
ornaments, and the green and red theme colors is a sad testimony to what
political correctness does to truth.

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Even
though all of these items are here ONLY because of Christmas, (not Hanukah or
Kwanza or Ramadan) they pretend it isn’t there and by doing so it will force it
to disappear. My beef with this fascism in the name of sensitivity by the way
is not saying we shouldn’t be respectful of non-Christians and dissenting
viewpoints. My problem was that this tradition has existed for well over 150
years in America. It is not about forcing non-Christians to celebrate
Christmas, it is the fact that it has been taken away from everyone. Removing
something that always was is a far cry from forcing it on others.

I
could quibble about the immaturity and lack of tolerance from the small
minority that is apparently outraged and traumatized by a dogmatic religion
that would pound us over the head with such intolerant a concept as “Peace on
earth good will towards men” when it suddenly occurred to me. Christmas is a gift.

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Christmas
is a celebration of God almighty humbling Himself towards His creation in
creating an opportunity for humanity to be restored to fellowship with its
creator. Yet even from its inception there were those that refused the gift.
Those who want the grace and forgiveness and love but are adamant that they
want nothing to do with repentance, humbleness, and sanctification.

What
has happened in America is a natural outcropping of the fallen man and his
rebellion. We will accept God in small doses and only under the caveat that we
get to decide who God is and what role He will be permitted to affect our
behavior. We have the proof even in some Christian denominations that have kept
the Jesus of “love” as long as love doesn’t conflict with the new cultural norm
of morality. They allow the culture to define their faith instead of the
purpose of Christianity and Christmas in redeeming culture.

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Does
Jesus love us all, you bet. Does love mean no perimeters for our choices? No.
That is actually called hate. To allow someone to make choices that are
repulsive to God without GENTLY and humbly steering them toward freedom isn’t
love at all.

I
guess what I’m saying is Christmas will never leave America. It will be
celebrated by churches and in the homes of Christ followers who can decorate
all they choose (for now). We are to offer the gift of Christmas to everyone
and yet allow him or her the option to opt out. I feel sorry for America
though. It was at one time such a beautiful tradition for us all. We are post
modern now folks and secular, and so now we are to draw inspiration from
holiday tree’s and freezing snow and wind to truly bring us as a nation
together. What a gift we’ve been given huh? P.S. watch Brad co-starring in the
film “Christmas with a capital C” with its world premiere Sun night Dec 5th
on the Gospel Music Channel!

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