God's Comic

I am writing this week’s column while sitting in a window seat of a CRJ 200 shuttle, leaving for Iowa for a Promise Keepers event then back to Albuquerque for a feature film I am in and then to Nashville.

The CRJ by the way was designed for shorter flights that save the airlines money on fuel and service a smaller volume of passengers. In other words it’s caca.

As I survey my surroundings of this all too familiar traveling option that I have grown accustomed too by the mere fact that I have no options since the Star Trek transporter technology still seems to be years away.

At this moment I am gobbling up a bag of peanuts that they actually offered free of charge! Apparently they based the volume of how many peanuts per bag on the Biblical story of the widow’s mite.

When I first arrived at the check in I was asked for credit card to pay for checking my bags. One wonders how they do this with a straight face.

“Welcome sir we are happy you chose American and hope you have a pleasant flight…Oh wait a’re bringing clothing? We didn’t anticipate this but yes, we have received clearance to tote your personal effects along with you on your getaway but I am sure you can understand this is going to cost you.

Perhaps in the future when you know you are going to travel you can ship your toiletries and wardrobe ahead in a packing crate so it will be there when you arrive. It would be cheaper.”

The seats on these shuttles are a miracle of modern technology. While other companies still go by that archaic concept of providing seats that fit humans, the airlines simply realized with a smaller plane it would be reasonable to take one seat, put an armrest down the middle of it and voila, you have two!

They also have this little gag they play with the English language where they offer the “recline” option on your seat. To “recline” in airline seat terminology refers to the difference between initially being bent forward and “reclining” into what the military refers to as attention.

In other words if airlines manufactured a rocking chair it would consist of a three legged stool with its feet set in concrete.

Part of my adventure also consisted of the consistency of the airlines inconsistency. My departure flight was delayed and arrived late thus causing me to be the ubiquitous “running man” one always sees at airports and makes us happy inside when we know its not us.
It was I this time and after literally running 2 terminals I made it just in time to find out they gave my seat away.

They had a window available, which I took though I’m an aisle man. Now I’m trapped in the Yoga “decaying zebra” position and hope soon to regain feeling in at least one leg so I can hop/hobble down the jet way in order to get out of this Marquis De Sade devised travel experience.

Yes the life of a traveling comedian, it just doesn’t get better than this.

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