God's Comic

God's Comic

The Perfect wife

Being married 18 years I am shocked and amazed that I have lasted this long as a human without having a wife. Being married to a woman teaches you just how much you don’t know about life, living and survival in the real world. If you don’t believe me, just ask her. Actually that is the first thing a woman teaches you, you can’t go on any longer under the delusion that survival is possible without her insight.
There are things I never knew about myself that are now crystal clear. For example before I got married I actually had the audacity to believe that I knew how to drive. I was kidding myself. I never realized that all cars come with brakes. Oh sure I utilized them periodically but I never realized how often I needed them.
Thanks be to God now that my wife sits next to me in the car she can demonstrate by using her phantom brake whenever we are in danger to model for me when I should be using mine. I just keep one eye on the road and one her floorboard and she lets me know for example that we are approaching a red light and cars are already there! Who knew to look for that!
I can’t begin to detail how many cars I thoughtlessly plowed into until my wife made me painfully aware that I should have started braking hundreds of feet earlier. The fact that she drives exactly like me when she is at the wheel is not hypocrisy as much as the fact that she can handle these situations whereas I can’t.
I never realized as well that a light turning yellow that I actually could have made is going to change to red sooner than I anticipate and thank goodness she was there to inform me. I was carelessly lost in my own thoughts of driving and paying attention to the road and so her phantom braking, pointing and startled vocal expressions snap me back to reality by frightening me into defensiveness I never realized I needed until she made me aware.
The fact that her outbursts almost always cause a wreck on my part is proof positive that I need to be on my toes when apparently even with cars 100 yards away it is never to early to panic.
Remember, to a Christian woman honoring your husband is Gods command and nothing honors him more than pointing out his self-deluded idea that he is competent. Heck I wasn’t even able to dress myself before my wife came along. Who knows what shame I must have brought on myself for years by buying my own clothes based on my “taste”.
Yes in the Garden of Eden, even though God made man first, He obviously realized that unless a woman was created we would just continue to walk around nude since we would never have to worry about everything “matching”.
Yes we men should be thanking God daily for the blessing of the wives in our lives and never take them for granted because they obviously never needed us and would probably be much better off without us. Other then the fact that they would be unable to move the furniture when it came to spring-cleaning.

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posted April 20, 2011 at 9:09 am

My husband is the person who uses the phantom brake in our car. I really let him do his thing in the car most of the time. Everyone is MUCH less stressed out if he just drives, because he will be “driving” in the passenger seat, anyway… 😉

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posted April 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Loved this! Yup I’m guilty, but in my defense he has had 3 accidents in 18months, 2 cars totalled and the 3rd we’ll have to cover the repairs.

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posted April 25, 2011 at 4:37 pm

My husband actually did keep running into people before we were married & for a while thereafter. His driving has improved, but he still tends to follow too close, so when we’re out – I drive. :)

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Your Name

posted April 25, 2011 at 6:00 pm

With wit like this, I’m aghast you’ve had a wife for a year, let alone 18.

Try 1 Peter 3:7 if you want to be a real man.

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Suzanne McAnally

posted April 28, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Do you ever, ever, ever have uplifting words towards women??? Of course, I’m not the least bit surprised…you are the biggest crybaby about how much our society tears men down, but all of your humorless banter is tearing down females. Seriously, do you ever stop to listen to yourself??? I feel sorry for your wife of 18 years…you really need to get beyond the whole male v. female bit, it’s all your so called “comedy” consists of, and it’s old and unentertaining.

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posted April 29, 2011 at 7:40 am

I found this funny, very funny

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posted April 29, 2011 at 8:01 am

I think the funniest part of this comedy, is that only women have been thoughtful enough to reply. Thank you again for your insightful comments. I guess his driving isn’t the only thing that needs critiquing. According to NYS statistics 2 out of every 5 accidents involve female drivers [conversely 3 out of 5 male drivers]. This is misleading statistic since amount [both distance and time] of driving by either sex per accident can’t be computed. I have been driven by both male and female drivers who brought me closer to God [by consistent prayer]. No diatribes why, just statistics. If you can retain your humor you can see the bright side in comedy. I enjoyed the Adam-Eve reference the best [I would of added: My wife asks me “Does this look good?” My reply used to be, look at her and give her a “Yes” {or “No”} and she still changes her mind, so she wonders why I no longer make a true effort to access what she wears.] Life is humorous at times and we can either find the humor, or cry about it. Now start laughing.

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posted April 29, 2011 at 8:46 am

I found this very funny. I am use phantom brakes all the time with every one.

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posted April 29, 2011 at 10:07 am

This is sooo old and lame.. Pleeeeassse.. We can also try to make fun , ( which in fact is not funny), of the guys who use the toilet and ‘drips’ on the seat, or leave sandals, newspapers, wet towels, etc. on the floor, for everyone to walk over, ‘tries’ to cook and leaves a huge mess for the wife to clean after.. or the guy who says ” Honey, I will barbecue today, you don’t have to cook”, but the wife is the one who prepares everything to be cooked!!! And cleans afterwards!!!
Yeah, we can do better than this…

P.S. And with all respect, it’s ” too early to panic”, and ‘Other than’, no ‘Other then’.

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posted April 29, 2011 at 10:52 am

Everyone takes things so serious I thought it was funny im married 4 years and I dont drive but lol tells my hubby what to wear if I dont like what he has on at that specific moment. Laugh a little God wont mind. YOU CAN ONLY BE PUT DOWN IF YOU ALLOW THE SEED TO TAKE ROOT!

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posted April 29, 2011 at 10:56 am

Very Funny! Lighten up women. It’s humor!

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posted April 29, 2011 at 11:24 am

I think it is funny my husband does that to me I dont let him drive he scares me he drives in both lanes then tells me that it is alright because no one is driving in the other lane

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Sandra Alafberg

posted April 29, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I found this funny..I thought I was reading something my husband wrote, he believes he is the best driver in our home. Oh yeah he had his License longer. LMAO

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Kiki V.

posted April 29, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I’ve been married almost 11 years and found this to not only be hilarious but somewhat similar to my life! Ladies lighten up because guys will be guys! Happy Friday!

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posted April 29, 2011 at 1:48 pm

You aren’t funny, and should be ashamed for dishonoring your wife this way. SHAME ON YOU!

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KS Kwan

posted April 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I find it funny too… The topic may sound a little old and too often talked about…but it is so true… my wife does that to me and I find myself doing the same to her too when she drives… I guess that is life… It is better to make fun of those little things rather turning them into big fights… The fact that the author is married to his wife for 18 years, they must have their way of matching with each other…

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posted April 29, 2011 at 7:43 pm

i agree with him i do the same to my husband but he thinks hes the best driver around wii lo its just when hes alone on the highway ha ha i woud not dare drive when my husband is in the car i either go to slow to fast don’t past when i should anyway were both the same when it comes to drivine and the clothes bit to and we’ve been married for 40 years this august so lighten up ladies and smile i think it was funny

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posted April 29, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I move the furniture myself and do 95% of everything on my own, not that my husband won’t do it, I am just more than capable. You need to see the strength in woman, not the opposite.

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posted April 29, 2011 at 8:23 pm

My other half is like that. When I am driving he is relentlessly telling me what to do and when to do it. He puts his phantom brakes on with both feet. A real DRIVER so to speak. Once I just stopped in the middle of the street and got out telling him to drive. He did.

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posted April 29, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I’m sure he ran this by his wife to make sure her feelings weren’t hurt. I find this funny as well. If it bothered his wife, I’m sure he wouldn’t print it. I think you need to lighten up. I do the phantom break too. I don’t think females necessarily are the only ones who do it. I think everyone who took driver’s ed and learned to drive do it on impulse. You all are assuming that he doesn’t appreciate his wife. The fact that he has been married for eighteen years shows the exact opposite. No wife would put up with a husband treating her badly. Maybe you are taking the comments a little too personally.

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posted April 29, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I Love It! We’ve been married for 20 years and it is humor like this that has keep our marriage fun.

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posted April 30, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Why is this even posted? It’s a poor attempt at humor but quite adept at demeaning women.

Some say God created woman to be a help mate to man; the reality is God realized he hadn’t quite perfected His creation and so took a “do over” and thus created woman. Men manage to ruin everything because they don’t/won’t/can’t think; so we have wars, repeated economic crisis, corporate corruption, fractured families, domestic abuse, etc. so they need a woman around to fix their repeated messes. Yet women have proven that they can maintain a family and a business at the same time and make it look easy and no man is required.

Men are driven by ego, whereas women are driven by compassion and logic. So when we speak, we should be listened to rather than challenged or ignored. Furthermore, without women, the human race would eventually cease to exist.

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posted April 30, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Take it easy on us guys, ladies. Obviously, since this guy is a comedian, that’s how he makes a living. How would it be if every time your guy went to work, nobody got the idea that he was married? I think it was funny in a humorous way and not demeaning. My wife is very active about women’s equality and equality in the workplace. She is an executive and makes more than I do, but I do the driving while she sleeps. It really is much safer that way. The bottom line is that we love each other, A WHOLE LOT. I clean up in the kitchen after she creates culinary masterpieces. I don’t complain. I cook sometimes, but not as often as I did when I was single. That’s a big plus.

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Adeleke Adewunmi

posted May 1, 2011 at 9:56 pm

i thought humour meant something to laugh about? Besides, he was trying to relay a real life experience in a funny way. I would have thought the western world is more advanced than to pick up a fight over a post on joke! Waoh, I guess those killing people over cartoon of their religious figure seem to be more justified than you people trying to crucify a man over a harmless (I think) joke. Life should not be taken too seriously or you may end up on the short end. Women/ladies, there is no reason to feel bad about this post. For a man to be married for 18 years, give him some credit, he knows how to handle his home. Don’t start a fight over a post meant to amuse you. I am laughing out loud!!!
From Nigeria

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posted May 1, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Thanks to the writer how much he appreciated the “annoying” roles or women. Because for some men, they get insecure and short tempered when they are being reminded by their wives. Husband and wife are co-equal. Each is as important as the other.

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posted May 2, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I can’t wait to have my husband read this. It is so much like us. We’ve been married for 17 years and it’s humor like this, along with keeping God first, that’s kept us together. My mother always tells me don’t take things too seriously and she’s been married for 44 years. Enjoy life and see the humor in things.

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Your Name

posted May 2, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Sorry Brad, but I’m with your wife on your driving skills. Quote from you once when I was a holding on for dear life in the passenger seat:”There are targets and shooters in this world, and I’m not about to become a target!” Such comforting words 😉

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posted May 3, 2011 at 1:00 am

This was so funny cause I am that wife and this was sent to me by my hubby love. I couldn’t stop laughing. lol

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posted May 3, 2011 at 11:27 am

I did think this was very funny.I do that to my husband.I would rather open my mouth than end up injured in an accident.God gave us humor:)
It helps us survive life’s trials.Part of humor is looking at real life situations and have a good chuckle.If someone is putting you down–don’t allow them to to that to you–you have the choice as to how you react in each situation.I would rather choose humor–keeps you physically and mentally healthy.After all Laughter is the best medicine !! :)

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Veteran Christian hubby

posted May 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Well, Brad!
I think it’s safe to say that in our politically correct environment you have succeeded in offending a good percentage of women who either: (1) take life and themselves WAY too seriously, or (2)have a lot of emotional baggage, either through past mistreatment at the hands of men, or are still on a women’s lib bandwagon (evident by some of the nasty things that they have directed to you).
I am in the camp that believes that God has given us a sense of humor and that if anyone should be happy, it is those who know Christ as Savior and have the unmatchable hope of spending eternity with Him and our loved ones who have preceded us in leaving this world. I found your comments funny, BUT I can see how some women would find this offensive (either through the mistreatment or their own ego). Whenever we hear comments like this, we need to understand that sarcasm, however biting, is INTENDED to be funny. However, it is also good, Brad, to remember to edify your wife in public so that people understand that you really do love her and appreciate her as God intended men to do. I think as a pastor who has been happily married to a wonderful wife for almost 34 years, I can say that, right? Amen?

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