Beliefnet
God's Comic

I
don’t think people take Hell very seriously anymore. We used too. As a matter
of fact it was one of the reasons why people were nicer years ago because they
didn’t want to go to hell. That was a curse word; literally to tell someone to
go to Hell was bad. Why not? You are condemning someone to an eternal existence
in a place where your flesh is being burned off your skull while demons are
constantly poking your butt with pitchforks. Face it, it would suck. Now hell is apparently a positive word. We even compare places to
it. “Where were you? We went to Disneyland. How was it? Oh it was cool as Hell.
Cool
as hell? Hey, talk about an oxymoron! Cooler
than hell….what isn’t!? You could be standing in the middle of the Sahara
desert in July trapped in an oven and that
would be cooler than Hell. That’s kind of Hells expertise. It’s the hottest
place there is. Everywhere is cooler
than hell. Hell is also applied to recreation. “He had a hell of a game”. What
kind of games you think they have in hell? Probably not running games cause its
hard to run with any speed or grace while trudging through lava. Guess you
could swim since there is a lake of fire. They would have to give you a
handicap I imagine though since it’s harder to paddle stroke when your flesh
keeps melting off your hands. Fleshless bones have never been known for
creating good thrust. How about “He pitched a hell of a game”, yeah but whose
your competition? Hitler’s in Hell. He is fantastic as an evil tyrant but his
fastball was never clocked over 86 and that was when he was warm. Which is all
the time now I’d imagine. “He had a hell of a good time” is also suspect of
course. Who has a good time in eternal torture and torment? Maybe the Marquis
de Saad I suppose? How about for us comedians? I once performed at a curse free
comedy week with Jeff Allen at the Improv in Tempe Arizona. There was a couple
that came to the window saw that the show was clean and actually had a
discussion as to whether they should stay. They of course suffer from the
delusion perpetrated by hack “comedians” that have come down the pike in recent
years that believe dirty, offensive, crass, blue, shocking, crude and expletive
driven “comedy” makes up for poor writing and delivery. Every comic on earth
knows it is harder to write clean than dirty. Anyway this couple ends up
staying for the show and after seeing my set came out to the lobby to
compliment me. The man put his arm around my shoulder and said, and I quote “We
didn’t think you guys would be funny but you were funnier than hell!” The irony
was lost on him I am sure not to mention the backhanded compliment! Listen all
you newbie comics, if you perform a set that hell was funnier than…you may want
to consider accounting.  

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