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Americans
love to celebrate stuff. Heck that’s why we have holidays every month of the
year; we need an excuse to celebrate. The celebration is the experience by the
way, rarely are we actually celebrating what the holiday is for. You don’t
believe me?

We
have a holiday called Arbor Day that apparently is a celebration of trees. I
don’t know what trees have to do with arbor especially since I don’t know what
an arbor is? They have cards for Arbor day which is funny to me since they have
to kill a tree in order to get the word out that we need to save trees! Nothing
funnier than irony huh?

Then
again I suppose if someone proposed a holiday called “Tree Day” everyone would
have laughed and then you’d be promptly tarred and feathered.

Nevertheless
Arbor Day is a holiday but do you
know anyone personally who celebrates trees? Sure maybe some hippie throwback
as well as some fringe eco-freaks that believe creation is equal in value to
humans but I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about real people.

My
point is that somewhere in time some American was itching to have a celebration
and asked for “any celebration ideas”, and some cider impaired fellow American
without enough government sanctioned free time paused a moment and then blurted
out ” what about trees? They grow AND have leaves!”…Perfect, light up the
bar-b-cue”!

Most
holidays are designed to celebrate together as family, which is a nice
sentiment but in reality some holidays do seem to be more designed for specific
genders.

Which
brings us to the 4th of July. Of all the holidays during the year, none are
more male than the 4th.

It
started out celebrating the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which
meant a bunch of guys were about to get into a big old fight and we dare you to
stop us.

Only
men signed the declaration because 1) we wanted to protect our women and
children and 2) guys like guns and
fights.

Over
time the significance of that “historic document signing” celebration took a
back seat to a different celebration that comes from the biological fact that
in the very DNA composition of the male, lodged deeply in the very core of
everything that makes men, well, men
is the incontrovertible truth that if you really want men to celebrate
something….make sure it comes with explosives.

The
4th of July is the day that even the police turn their heads as men on every
block of the nation get to blow things up! Living in Tennessee that means
mortars exploding 500 feet in the air, roman candles shooting fireballs at each
other and every possible form of firecracker.

I
feel sorry for men in states that are too wussie to allow fireworks. California
for example where I moved from have “fireworks” but they amount to “snakes”
which “thrill you” with the excitement of ashes, and sparklers which are great
for kids………..which is my point.
The 4th was supposed to represent a courageous but dangerous time in America.

Let
me make this perfectly clear, if you have a device that needs to be lit and yet
doesn’t have the potential to blow your hand clean off at the wrist…IT’S NOT
A FIREWORK!! It’s a glorified match!!

Guys
know this intuitively which is why when boys get sparklers to play with it
takes less than 2 minutes before they are tossing them towards the yard trying
to make them stick in the ground while dad fetches the hose for the inevitable
sparkler on the neighbors roof scenario that keeps the 4th festive.

I am
proud of my nation and the men and women who built it and I wish all of you a
great 4th of July. Hope to see you in the emergency room!

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