If you’re in your late twenties like me then you might remember watching your older brother beat Metroid (it was way too hard for you). You might also remember the shock of finding out that your awesome action hero had in fact – been a girl. It was shocking, and a little bit disgusting. You might also remember not thinking the game was as awesome anymore, while your older brother tried to figure out how to make the space heroine scour the planet surface without the suit on. Oh, 8-bit love.
Little did we know that the space suit wearing sci-fi heroine would go on to become one of gaming’s greatest icons. The main reason was her rad suit and arsenal of gadgets/weapons. But the other reasons are shockingly Biblical. That’s right, you heard me. King Solomon in Proverbs 31 talks about the perfect wife, and as you’ll come to find out, Solomon must have boarded a time machine and played Metroid on the NES.
Let’s see why:
Let’s assume for a second that the Son of God has come back, and let’s also assume that he’s put the second coming on hold for a bit so he can try out these magical things called “video games.” Yes, those are ridiculous assumptions, especially since heaven is most likely a 24/7 idiot-proof version of the Holodeck. But all silliness aside (well, at least some of it), if you stuck a controller in the hands of Jesus, what would he play?
I love board games. Almost religiously. Some (*cough cough my wife cough cough*) might even say I love them a little too much. So what if I need two closets, a large bookshelf, and a shed out back to store them all! That’s no reason to toss around vicious, hate-filled words like ‘obsessed’!
But if you, unlike me, resemble the average human being when it comes to board games, you probably think one of three things when you hear those words: Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, or Candyland.
Here is an accurate picture of what I look like if you ask me to play any of these games:
That’s right, I went there. Game marriage. You know all about it, the sin where two video games come together to make one game. Mario vs. Sonic, Tekken vs. Street Fighter, E.T. vs. Duke Nukem Forever… okay that last one wasn’t real BUT WHAT IF IT WAS.
Is there one good thing that game marriage has brought to this world? Marvel vs. Capcom, you say? Okay, but I mean really, that was more like two big Japanese/American families fighting with each other (awesome!) than a true game marriage. Kingdom Hearts? That was a video game and a bunch of movies, still a little terrifying but TOTALLY different. Super Smash Bros.? Well, that was more like polygamy, and you know who was polygamous? KING DAVID AND KING SOLOMON. Yeah, how many books of the best selling book-of-forever have you written? That’s what I thought.
Are you giving up yet? Ready to accept the truth? Here it is:
All game marriage results in is horror and strife for everyone.
These games are threatening the very existence of normal games that are living normal lives!! Yeah, sure, half of them are junk too, but THAT ISN’T WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. Look at all the lives ruined by game marriage, look at all the awful things it is doing to our society!!
They can’t even have sequels.