Fresh Living

coolclock.jpg‘K, so I’m sitting at my desk. I have a to-do list as long as a ZZ top beard. I have coffee, water, chocolate nearby. My computer and internet connection are fine. It’s quiet. And yet.

I don’t know where to start because everything is important. And even the things I know are most important feel like mountains to scale because I have been putting them off for so long. I’m embarrassed to be doing them so late. And feel like there’s this wall of resistance between me and these tasks. And mostly they’re not complicated things–send an email, fill out a form, ask someone a question.

But I get so frozen. And I know I get unfrozen because I do manage to do my job and get things done. Usually it’s a screaming deadline that makes it happen. Or sometimes I inexplicably snap out of it and the doing isn’t so hard.  

More than just about anything in my life, I wish I could change this about myself. Procrastination is a habit that makes me insane but is ingrained as breathing. It’s almost very literally ruining my life. And has the potential to actually do so. I’ve psychobabbled it to death–afraid to move forward or be in the flow, Self-Sabotage 101, etc. I beat the hell out of myself for it–the things I call myself when in the thralls of this wheel-spinning hell are unpublishable here. I’ve talked to therapists, friends. Bought and not read those books you’re supposed to read. And then read some of them and found them profoundly unhelpful. I’ve used an egg-timer for specific tasks. That works sometimes. But I feel like nothing short of a neural revolution is going to actually help me not face this every single day. Or a life-coach who can sit next to me and cheer me through each teeny task. Neither seems likely. And thus, I spin. Until the next screaming deadline.  

Can you relate to any of this frozenness, this compulsive procrastination/terror/shame/deer-in-headlights feeling? If so, have you gotten past it? I would love your suggestions if so. Thanks.

[Image via: Furniturestoreblog]


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