Flunking Sainthood

Flunking Sainthood

Satan Sues Rob Bell for Defamation; Seeks $18B in Damages Over “Love Wins”

April 1, 2011

Satan announced today that Hell has filed for civil damages against HarperOne author Rob Bell, whose new book Love Wins hit shelves in March and has raised, well, hell. In the book, Bell asserts a universalist theology, claiming that God will save every sinner.


“That’s gonna drive us right outta business,” explained the plaintiff’s chief counsel, saying that Mr. Satan is seeking $6 billion in loss of future income, $6 billion in pain and suffering, and $6 billion in punitive damages to deter other would-be universalists.

Many in the legal world were not surprised at Mr. Satan’s attempts for legal redress, only that it took him so long to assemble his team of counselors. It has been a full two weeks since the March 15 publication of Love Wins.

“Where I live, selecting a legal team is a hard decision,” Mr. Satan explained in a rare interview. “There are an awful lot of lawyers to choose from down in hell.”


The defendant’s attorneys do not deny that Mr. Bell’s book has deprived Mr. Satan of some potential revenue streams. However, they argue that this has already been more than remunerated in the hundreds of thousands of people who are now more vulnerable to Mr. Satan’s sales pitches because of their own increased judgmentalism and unchristian behavior toward Mr. Bell.

The defendant Mr. Bell, who was rescuing an abandoned puppy at press time, could not be reached for comment, but his opponent expressed astonished displeasure at Bell’s chutzpah in publishing Love Wins.

“I mean, I’ll be damned!” Mr. Satan declared, then checked himself. “Actually, I apparently won’t. That’s precisely the problem.”

  • Cathy Grossman

    You KNOW I had to link to this! Big hat tip to you for bringing some fun to my morning.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Fake John Piper

    Farewell Jana….

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Jane Stewart (Dances With Crayons)

    Oh this was great fun, thankyou HarperOne!!

    Huge hugs for your day, Love Wins!

  • Jana

    Glad you enjoyed it. I love April 1.

  • Colleen Foshee

    Jana thanks for helping us not take it all so seriously. Wish we Christians could discuss these things as God’s adult children rather than the toddlers (mine!!!) we so often prove ourselves to be.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Stela Rowe

    Love it! Thanks Jana for the post, it cracked me up!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Raymond Takashi Swenson

    This is very much in the spirit of C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters and Parley P. Pratt’s own story about Satan’s complaint against Joseph Smith. Thank you! I don’t think Latter-day Saints reflect enough on how much our belief in the the eventual emptying of hell (AKA Spirit Prison), and the expected glorification of even the Telestial Kingdom in the last resurrection, puts us on common ground with the universalists. And that is over and beyond our beliefs about the just people who will be non-Celestial, First Resurrectionees. While Lucifer and his first-estate followers are definitely lost, along with a handful of fallen Mormons, Christ will have largely accomplished what Lucifer claimed he would do, namely, save everyone.

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