A Fear of Whales

A Fear of Whales

Surviving the Zombie Onslaught

If you follow the blog and have been reading along you’ll have heard all about how our behavior as Christians mimics Zombies in the sense that we both don’t mean any harm as we mindlessly attempt to assimilate people. And if you care about the church, it may be that in reading, you’ve started to become very depressed.

Life in a zombie church can be depressing for people with brains. But take heart! I have good news! Zombies have a natural enemy, so there is hope yet. And there are still some left in the church, in fact, there’s one writing this blog right now! Yes that’s right, I’m referring to the Nerds. Zombies worst nightmare.


Nerds are not often considered effective in battle. They’re paralyzing and irrational fear of girls tends take them out of the running for any valor awards you may be thinking of giving out. but against Zombies, or Raptors, a nerd is exactally what you need. We know this enemy, we know their strengths and weaknesses, we have prepared for this.

Here’s what you need to know about how to survive the onslaught of christian zombies in your town.

1: Shoot Them in the Head
A zombie’s weakness is the head. They’re like Highlander immortals, they just keep coming unless you take out their head. Christian Zombies are no different, their will is immovable but their brains are soft and mushy. Since their illness is the result of a misunderstanding, you need to kindly, but forcefully demonstrate from scripture and experience, that thought is a good thing! But be careful, because the Christian Zombies already think they agree with you so you will have to “Double Tap“even when you think you’ve won the debate, you need to win it again. Really drive the point deep into their cranium.


2: Get to a Safe Place and Hole Up
Thinking Christians, and thinking people in general have got to stick together. As thinking becomes less and less popular outside, you need a pocket of people who are willing to be “impolite” enough to intellectually disagree with you and rationally explain why. you need practice thinking, or you might stop! In the movies, this means a mini mall, or a skyscraper you can barricade, but for us this means book clubs, and Star Wars groups. anything that will keep Zombies out.


But be careful, if somebody who’s been bitten gets back into the safe house it may become the most dangerous area of all! Similarly, if you create a group full of a bunch of the same kind of “smart” Christians all of whom think similarly you risk creating an ideal environment to foster zombie-ism where all of the humans in the room suffocate in a cloud of their own agreement. (5-Point Calvinists are especially prone to this)

3. You’ll Need Plenty of Food and Guns
As Columbus said in Zombieland “It’s a marathon not a sprint. Unless it’s a sprint, then sprint” In the church today, Now is not the time to go on a Zombie Killing spree while armed with only a baseball bat and this article. You’ll only make enemies, feel guilty, and return zombiefied in the third act to kill your former love interest. Instead you need to arm up and renew your strength. Know the truth, learn the arguments be prepared with a sawed-off single barrel shotgun of knowledge, to defend your stance against any zombies. And fill up on the Bread of Life that is available through scripture. Know the bible and know God because as it says in Isaiah

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings like eagles, They shall run a tractor rigged with C-4 straight through the heart of the zombie stronghold and not grow weary, they shall walk and not be faint

…or something like that…

Comments Post the First Comment »
post a comment

Post a Comment

Previous Posts

Politically Correct “Holiday Bible” Makes No Mention Of Christmas
The other day as I was perusing the small Bible section of my large Christian Books and (Especially) Gifts Store I happened upon a tome that arrested my attention. It was plain and unadorned. A simple red book with the title and nothing ...

posted 8:03:52pm Nov. 08, 2015 | read full post »

I Was Wrong: Ahmad Did Not “Make” His Clock
I have made a lot of posts on this blog over the years about transparency, and the importance of integrity and admitting when you are wrong. I need to model that this morning, because I accidently discovered that Ahmed’s clock is manufactured. ...

posted 1:50:19am Sep. 19, 2015 | read full post »

Bus Odyssey Again
You may be wondering why, after my last experience with Greyhound Inc, I would ever consider patronizing their services again. Well it’s a long and a sad story, but basically I keep putting myself in positions where I believe they might be the ...

posted 7:23:13pm Apr. 03, 2015 | read full post »

Voy A Mexico
Today I am leaving for Monterrey, Mexico. People keep asking me if it’s a mission trip or a vacation. I like that they have to ask. It’s mostly a vacation. I have a friend down there, and I live nearby, and I like tacos. But the more I ...

posted 9:59:45am Mar. 13, 2015 | read full post »

Theologically Correct
Lord I lift your name on High Lord I long to sing your praises I'm so glad you're in my life I’m so glad you came to save us You came from heaven to earth to show the way from the earth to the cross my debt to pay from the cross to the ...

posted 12:17:00am Mar. 04, 2015 | read full post »


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.