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Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

Does Your Partner Want Your Advice?

posted by Linda Mintle

advice coupleYou see her trying to balance the checkbook. You have some advice that you are ready to give.

After all, you are just trying to be helpful, but it turns out that your partner may not appreciate that type of help. In fact, too much advice giving is associated with lower martial satisfaction according to a University of Iowa study. The study noted that men experience advice giving by their wives as nagging or being reprimanded. Wives feel that their husbands are more condescending or see them as incapable when husbands try to “fix the problem.”

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If you really want to make things worse, give unsolicited advice. That’s right, spouses don’t seem to appreciate it!

And if you are the one asking for advice or receiving the support, the way you behave is more important than how the person giving the advice behaves. One reason is that asking for and receiving advice puts you in a vulnerable position.

But now here is a caveat. If too little advice is given in a marriage, men suffer. The reason, men look to their wives for their main support. Women look to other women, friends and loved ones in addition to their husbands. So women get help from a broader range of people.

Finally, it appears that even well meaning advice comes across as criticism. Ouch! I was only trying to help!

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So what’s best to do:

1) Make sure your spouse is asking you for advice before you decide to give it.

2) Allow your spouse time to talk out a problem. Sometimes that is all he or she needs.

3) Personalize the problem to something you struggled with and how you worked it through, rather than giving straight up advice.

4) If you don’t want the advice, thank your partner for offering it, but tell him or her that advice wasn’t really what you were looking for at this moment. Then follow that comment with what would have been helpful.

5) Don’t be so sensitive. Just say, thanks and take the advice giving as good intention!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Source: Journal of Family Psychology, 2009

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Corey Monteith Overdose: 10 Truths About Drug Addiction

posted by Linda Mintle

Glee star, Corey Monteith, made no secret of his struggle with drug addiction before his untimely death.

Back in 2011, he made the comment that he was lucky to be alive given his history and struggle. He began using marihuana and alcohol at age 13. By the time he was 16, he admitted to having a serious problem.

So sad. Such a loss at such a young age (31). Please pray for the family and friends.

Drug addiction destroys a person’s life. Here are 10 truths to consider:

1) Drugs change your brain. These changes interfere with your ability to think  clearly, use good judgment and control your behavior.

2) The craving grows more important than anything else in your life when you are addicted.

3) The urge to use is so strong that you rationalize the addiction.

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4) Addiction provides psychological pain relief.

5) Addiction is an uncontrollable compulsion than takes more than willpower and a one shot attempt to treat.

6) Don’t wait for someone to “hit bottom.” That is often more difficult. DO an intervention. Even if someone enters drug treatment involuntarily, he or she can benefit from treatment.

7) Recovery often takes multiple attempts. Don’t get hopeless. Keep trying.

8) If you try one approach and it doesn’t work. Try another. Find something that  makes sense and connects with your issues.

9) Despite this being a brain disease, you can learn to live without drugs in your life.

10) You need God’s help. This is beyond willpower and requires God’s intervention as well. With God, all things are possible.

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Consider This Response to the Zimmerman Verdict by Dr. Alveda King

posted by Linda Mintle

The niece of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. shares her thoughtful response to the Zimmerman verdict.

Dr. Alveda King: “Grieved over strife surrounding Zimmerman verdict”

I believe that the verdict in the Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin Case further exposes a grievous and deep vein of disharmony and racial tension in our nation that can only be healed when people realize that every human being should be treated with dignity and respect,” says Dr. Alveda King, Director of African American Outreach for Priests for Life.

A trial like this causes public debate, and people have forgotten what is right anymore. Now Trayvon’s tragic death is obscured and Mr. Zimmerman is a public spectacle.  The lines of what is right and what is legal/lawful have also been blurred and this trial exposes that.

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We saw the same scenarios in the O. J. trial and the Casey Anthony case. There was reasonable doubt, no matter how minute the reasonable doubt proves to be. Even more recently, abortionists are butchering women in so called legal yet under-regulated facilities where in many cases no arrests are being made; with Kermit Gosnell’s case being a recent exception.

In Chicago, where random killings are at an all time high, a Black Woman, Tonya Reaves, was recently slaughtered and bled to death for five hours in a Planned Parenthood abortion mill and no arrests have been made.

Now in the wake of Trayvon’s senseless death and  Mr. Zimmerman’s acquittal many people are angry at the tragic loss of life and what some perceive to be a shun on the Black race.  For the record, Acts 17:26 teaches that there is one blood and one human race, not multiple races, so racism is based on a lie!

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Others seem to feel a victory because certain constitutional rights were favorably argued and the question of reasonable doubt prevailed in this case.  Yet it is important to also note that Zimmerman’s life is ruined too, and that the court of public opinion is not completely on his side.

So in a way the blind scales of justice seem to have favored Mr. Zimmerman while Trayvon’s voice is silenced and his dream died with him.

The Bible says mercy triumphs over justice:  “For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” (James 2:13 NKJV)

And Micah 6:8 says that we should add love and humility to justice.

Micah 6:8 (NIV)

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.

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And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly[a] with your God.

Love and humility are missing on both sides of this struggle!

My uncle Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once said that we must all learn to live together as brothers (and sisters) or perish as fools. Too many people are dying today for too many reasons, and the race baiting and strife add fuel to the fire which grieves my soul.

Again a young American man has perished, another is a public spectacle. Who wins?

We must now use this controversy as an opportunity to help educate our future generations as to how to act and how to react in similar situations; then maybe young Trayvon’s death will not be in vain.

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A profound injustice has occurred in glossing over the death of this young man and the suffering of his family. The not guilty verdict violates the tender nuances of human suffering and the integrity of the criminal justice system in his community.

It remains critically-important, however, that all protests against the verdict demonstrate an irrevocable commitment to nonviolence, to honor the dignity of Trayvon Martin’s precious life and not add further tragedy to what his family and the people of Sanford have already experienced.

Let’s face it. If both people in this tragedy were of common ethnicity, there would be no media feeding frenzy.  The gun control debate is a smokescreen in that people do use guns to kill other people as Zimmerman did in this case. But guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Yes, sometimes they use guns, but they sometimes use bombs or knives too. We definitely need love control and heart control and nonviolence control.

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There are murders going on every day that the media overlooks. Remember Tonya Reaves. Millions of Black babies and many of their mothers are being slaughtered in abortion mills. Where is the justice for that?

Obviously strife and struggle and conflict were at the base of this case. Two men alone on the street in the dark. A punch is thrown. A gun escalates the trauma and drama. We need a Beloved Community. We need nonviolence conflict resolution.

Let us please give a nonviolent response to Trayvon’s family, to Mr. Zimmerman and to America to help to promote healing and to lay the foundation needed to repeal faulty laws that fail to protect our youth, and to further enact other reforms to prevent such tragedies in the future.”

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Bieber Bad Boy Behavior: Why Do Celebrities Act Out?

posted by Linda Mintle

He sang about being your boyfriend, but what girl wants a guy who pees in a janitor’s bucket in a restaurant?  Most “girlfriends” would run for the hills, thinking this guy has issues. And there was more, he spritzed a picture of former President Clinton and called him an expletive. Who knew the Canadian harbored such feelings towards an American President? But because Bieber is a celebrity, most girls would overlook this moment of rebellion, and be his girlfriend anyway. If he was just the guy down the block, he would be gross and disgusting. Someone might even refer him for therapy!

Somehow, when gross and inappropriate behavior comes from a celebrity, we chuckle and think it is just a part of celebrity behavior-expected, minimized, and no one talks about what it really might mean.

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Call me a mom, but I was so disappointed with the Biebs. He’s got talent, charisma on stage, so why does he have to sink to such a low level? Yes, he apologized after the video and word got out.

So why do celebrities act out?

Maybe it is the lifestyle –no privacy, constant adulation, and a team of people who keep pushing you for more because their livelihood depends on it. Once your famous, you are trapped. No going back to a private life. Time to rebel, and that rebellion seems to worsen with time. The isolation has to change their thinking, making them more paranoid, more self-centered and more out of touch with every day norms. Think about it. If you can jet to an island and spend 10,000 on a quick date, you aren’t moving in the circles of ordinary people. Eventually, you lose touch, can’t relate and unfortunately, the people around you stop questioning your aberrant behavior. They need you to make money, not question your mental health.

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And the teenage brain isn’t fully developed. It doesn’t do well with impulsivity and judgment. And with no one telling you to “knock it off,” “that was stupid” or “I hope you feel embarrassed,” the normal controls are gone. Teenage rebellion is full throttle in the public eye. Few of these people have a genuine faith to ground and help them. Whatever they want, they can afford. No one says NO. No one says, you acted like a jerk! When they get caught, they apologize.

Dr. Drew thinks celebrity bad behavior is rooted in mental illness. According to him, celebrities already have narcissistic traits that then get reinforced with their success and fame. The press makes it all look so normal, rather than taking them to task. Maybe he is right. He has certainly worked with a number of them.

Whatever the reason, I wish every talented kid like Bieber would surround himself with people who would ground him, who don’t have money as their main issue and would put his mental health front and center. And maybe the media could stop celebrating their acting out–now that would be a miracle, but hey, I can always hope.

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