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Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

10 Ways to Rebuild Relationship Trust

posted by Linda Mintle

I Married You 7607FIRS scandals, reports of infidelity, misuse of funds, friendship betrayals….they all involve a loss of trust.

Trust is foundational to any relationship. It is about having confidence in someone or something, relying on someone and believing what he or she says is true. Trust involves honesty, integrity and justice.

It takes a long time to build  and a moment to break it.

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Relationships flourish when there is trust. Without trust, relationships are in trouble.

So how does one build trust in relationships, especially if that trust has been broken? Here are 10 ways to build trust:

1) The person who betrayed you or broke trust must admit to the action. Take responsibility without downplaying actions.

2) Be remorseful. If you broke someone’s trust, remorse needs to be evidenced. Without remorse, doubt remains.

3) Once trust is broken, the person you betrayed should be free to ask questions in order to better understand what happened. The betrayer cannot complain about having to answer questions that might be uncomfortable.

4) Forgive the person who broke the trust. This doesn’t mean you condone the action of the person, minimize the impact, or act like it never happened. Forgiveness means you acknowledge the breach and choose not to allow it to fester in unforgiveness and bitterness.

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5) Give assurance when and where needed. Once trust is breached, lots of reassurance is needed in order to help the person see your efforts to make changes.

6) Be empathetic to the pain caused by the trust violation. Often, people want to admit to their mistake and then move on without further consequences. But pain is usually involved and takes time to work through. The violator needs to be empathetic to the time it takes a person to heal and be ready to try again.

7) Be patient. You can’t rush the rebuild of trust.  It takes time to see if the person is trustworthy again.

8) Don’t use a trust violation as a weapon. What is done, is done. Focus on moving forward. You will remember the breach, but the pain will eventually go away. So don’t keep bringing it up the past and using it to make a point or fight.

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9) No secrets. Relationships built on secrecy do not do well. Honesty is needed to rebuild trust, even when that honesty is painful.

10) Move towards reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one person. Reconciliation takes two.

 

If you are having trouble rebuilding trust, you may want to see a counselor to help move all parties through the process.

 

 

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Thoughts on Assisted Suicide: Is it Justified?

posted by Linda Mintle

When my poodle was almost 17 years of age, she suddenly took a bad turn and became disoriented with vomiting. I rushed her to the vet, thinking she was poisoned but in fact, she was dying. Her stomach was twisting and was causing excruciating pain. She was bloating badly as her organs were shutting down. We were told it would be best to put her down since there was no way to stop this and her stomach could burst.

I can remember that night like it just happened. We held her in our arms in her favorite blanket, kissed her goodbye and watched her die. Honestly, it was horrible and I had nightmares for days. I killed my dog, is all I could think. I hesitated to get another dog because I never wanted to go through that again.

All I could think about was that this should never be done to humans.

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But now, Vermont has become the fourth state to legalize assisted suicide. A doctor is legally allowed to administer a lethal dose of medication to terminally ill patients to help them die.

When my mom was terminally ill, it was very hard to watch but there were so many precious moments with her during that time. The power of prayer was so evident. Every day, we would witness small miracles as God sustained her life and decided when it was time to take her home. I watched an unnatural peace flood her room, a calm acceptance of God’s plan, and a quiet solitude with the Lord that I had never seen in her life. People were moved by her peace at dying. Even though it was hard to see her deteriorate and in pain, hospice was so compassionate with her care that I gained a new respect for those who help people die in God’s timeline.

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I would not want to be the doctor who helps people die. I would not want to make decisions regarding when to end someone’s life by injecting them with a lethal substance.

The Bible says our days are ordered by God. It is appointed unto man to die. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2).

People would ask, why doesn’t God just take your mom home when she is suffering so? I’m not God and see through a glass darkly. My thoughts were that she was still serving a purpose–praying for her family, showing others how to die as a Christian, loving on others and remaining His witness to the end. Until she drew her last breath, she had an impact on those who cared for her and visited.

Suicide is ending a life. God doesn’t justify His commandments.

So for me, this law bothers me.

Do I understand why someone would want to die who is terminally ill? Absolutely. But could I take their life into my hands? No.

 

 

Your thoughts? Let’s have a conversation. 

 

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10 Tips for Vacation Planning for Children of Divorce

posted by Linda Mintle

child playingSummer and holidays can be a time of challenge for children of divorce. It may be unsettling for a child to vacation with a non-custodial parent. From the child’s point of view, he/she will be in strange places, with strange people, with a parent less familiar with daily habits and needs. This may create some fear and anxiety about the vacation time.

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So if you are a non-custodial parent planning a vacation with your child, or you have custody and are wondering how to prepare your child to be with the non-custodial parent, here are some suggestions to make your child feel more comfortable.

#1–You and the non-custodial parent make vacation plans for your child together. As incredible as this sounds, it will be easier on your child if you both work together. Arrangements should be made in advance and agreed upon.

#2–The itinerary for the trip must be shared. The custodial parent needs to know where the child will be–phone numbers and addresses. I know some non-custodial parents resist this idea but in case of an emergency, the custodial parent needs to know how to find his/her child.

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#3–Send copies of important medical information on the trip. The non-custodial parent needs to know how to handle a medical emergency or problem and have the pediatrician’s phone number, insurance information and medical records.

#4–Be careful not to put guilt on your child. Your child should never be made to feel guilty because he/she is going on vacation with the other parent.

#5–Work out any disagreements about the vacation away from the child before the vacation. Don’t put your child in the middle of disagreements between you and your ex.

#6–Plan for separation anxiety. Send a photo with your child. Include his/her favorite blanket, pillow, animal or toy. Discuss ways to communicate–email, telephone, post cards or letters.

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#7–Be positive about the vacation. Talk nicely about the non-custodial parent and help your child anticipate a great time.

#8–Normalize fears and anxiety. Tell your child it’s normal to feel a little anxious. Hopefully, that anxiety will fade as the trip progresses.

#9–Send a camera and smile at the time of pick-up. Now is not the time to bring up unresolved issues with your ex.

#10–Pray. Keep the non-custodial parent and the vacation on your prayer list. Pray for protection and positive interactions between parent and child.

 

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Autism Risk Linked to Newborn’s Placenta

posted by Linda Mintle

baby feetOne in 50 children are now diagnosed with autism (CDC). Right now, there are no definitive tests to tell whether a child will develop autism, but we know that the earlier we detect autism, the better we can serve a child.

So how about detection at birth?

A new study by Yale researchers and UC Davis’ MIND Institute discovered a tool they can use to detect who is likely at risk when a child is born. The study looked at the abnormalities in the placenta at birth. Specifically, researchers found abnormal folds of placenta in newborn children. Placenta is responsible for feeding nutrients to a baby and removing waste from his or her blood. It is discarded at birth so easy to use for detection.

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Based on the placenta, researchers could identify whether or not that child was the younger sibling of an autistic child, a risk factor that puts a child nine times more at risk for developing the condition. Kliman, the senior author, discovered that the placentas from women whose older children had autism was remarkably different from those who did not. Interestingly, when researchers at UC Davis’ MIND Institute (who have also been studying the causes of autism)  sent 217 placenta samples to Kliman, he was able to correctly identified 90% of them coming from a younger sibling of an autisitc child.

Risk doesn’t mean autism is automatic. The study has to follow these babies who were identified in order to determine which of those children will actually become autistic.

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But finding this marker will allow researchers to identify the genetics that set the stage and the environmental triggers involved. Cheryl Walker, the study’s co-author and assistant professor at University of California, sees obesity, nutrition, weight gain or diabetes in the mother, and exposure to chemicals that disrupt hormones factors as influencers of fetal growth and tissues, like those in the placenta and the brain.

The take away for parents: The test can be done even before delivery and if the marker is found, early intervention, when the brain is more open to change, can be done. Again, the marker only means the child is at risk. Further studies will follow those kids and see which ones show signs of autism.

 

Source: Biological Psychiatry. The study was supported by the National Institutes of Health; the MIND Institute at the University of California, Davis; Yale University Reproductive and Placental Research Unit; and the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

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