Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

Heidi Klum and Seal Separating: Why the Timing Isn’t Surprising

posted by Linda Mintle

Another celebrity couple decides to split.

If you haven’t heard, Heidi Klum and Seal announced their decision to separate for “irreconcilable differences” after seven years of marriage involving four young children. Heidi Klum told reporters that she and Seal had grown apart. Honestly, I was sad to hear this but not surprised given the timing of the breakup. We can predict these type of divorces from long term research data on couples.

What was not a surprise was the timing of the divorce. According to martial researchers, Gottman and Levenson, the most critical periods for divorce to occur are at the seven year mark and when the oldest child in the family reaches age 14 (may be related to a low point in martial satisfaction in terms of life course).

Heidi and Seal are at that 7 year mark where more than half of all divorces occur.

When we pick apart the data that came from these longitudinal studies, we find some interesting factors that predict divorce and may be operating in the Heidi -Seal marriage.

1) Couples who are negative during conflict during those first seven years, are more likely to divorce.

2) Couples who are disengaged and lack positive emotions in conflict discussions and day to day connecting, are more likely to divorce in later years.

These two findings help us understand why some marriages grow apart. Usually these couples have experienced problems for six years and finally cannot contend with the negativity and emotional distance. In fact, failed relationships are very influenced by the way  partners dialogue over conflict. Here are 5 points to keep in mind:

1) 96% of the time, the way a discussion begins, predicts how it will end. And interestingly the research shows that when the wife starts the conflict in a harsh way, it doesn’t go well.

2) The path to divorce is clearly documented–criticism, defensiveness, contempt and then stonewalling. This is the road to growing apart.

3) If one partner cannot repair the damage with conflict, the other feels flooded and pulls away.

4) Divorce becomes a path when partners recall the past in a negative way.

5) Partners who cannot calm down during conflict and soothe themselves have relationship problems that often lead to emotional distance–a predictor of divorce.

So maybe what we learn from this recent celebrity separation is that the seven year itch is real; That couples must attend to the way they dialogue around conflict; That staying positive in your relationship is critical; That repairing damage is necessary: And that growing apart can be prevented with couple counseling when partners are willing to work on issues.

 

For marital help, check out my book I Married You, Not Your Family (and nine other myths)

 

Getting Unstuck: 24 Ways to Fight Depression

posted by Linda Mintle

God’s plan is not for you to be depressed. He wants you experiencing His joy no matter the circumstances of your life. Yet approximately 20 million people suffer from clinical depression feeling hopeless, listless and stuck. The voice of depression says you cannot move out of the darkness blanketing your life. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is much you can do to lift yourself out of that stuck place.

Some types of depression are caused by genetic/biological factors such as lack of sleep, lack of exercise, PMS, hormone changes related to giving birth, menopause, medication side-effects, poor diet or disease. Other depressions are rooted in psychological, cognitive, and spiritual causes like troubled family experience, stress over postmodern living, social inequities like poverty and abuse, loss, negative thinking, sin, unresolved hurt and anger and poor coping responses.

Whatever the cause, try these helps from my book, Getting Unstuck, to improve your mood and start living again:

  • See a therapist to help identify your causes of depression.
  • Acknowledge negative feelings of anger, unforgiveness or hurt. Don’t keep that negativity swimming around inside your body.
  • Release those negative feelings through talking, praying and working through relationship problems.
  • Forgive those who have wronged you (Colossians 3:13).
  • Clean up any sin in your life. Acting in ways counter to God’s Word contributes to depression.
  • Develop realistic expectations. Difficulty is part of life but God promises His presence (Hebrews 13:5).
  • Change your negative thinking. Rehearse the promises of God (Psalm 91; Romans 8:38).
  • Be around positive people. If negative thinkers bring you down, find those who experience joy in living and spend time with them.
  • Get a physical to rule out any biological cause that may be treatable.
  • Take care of your body by eating well, getting enough sleep and engaging in regular exercise.
  • If antidepressant medication is needed, don’t feel stigmatized using it. It may be a healing agent.
  • Don’t blame others for your problems.
  • Know what triggers depression and learn new ways to respond.
  • Be assertive when necessary.
  • Manage your negative emotions. Don’t let them manage you.
  • Do something for someone else. Take the focus off of you.
  • Get support.
  • Correct your self-image through the Word of God (Ps. 139:14; Eph. 2:10).
  • Accept God’s love for you. It is unconditional (John 3:16).
  • Trust in God, not circumstances or people (Philippians 4:19).
  • Pray for healing (2Timothy 1:7).
  • Renew your mind (Phil 4:8; Romans 12:2)
  • Even if you don’t feel like it, take action (e.g., get out of bed, go to church).
  • Get to know your heavenly Father. He wants to give you good things and bless you (Psalm 84:11).

Weight Loss Tip on Snacking: Timing Matters

posted by Linda Mintle

Most of us are focused on losing those extra pounds from holiday eating. Well here is a quick tip on how to do that when snacking.

The time of day you eat a snack could impact losing weight.

A study in the December 2011 Journal of the American Dietetic Association concluded: If you snack mid morning, you won’t lose weight as well as if you snack other times of the day.

Here is why: Mid morning snacking tends to lead to on-going nibbling all day. And if you snack frequently, you take in more calories, unless you snack on the right foods.

Dietitians recommend low-calorie snacks (100-200) calories that have nutritional value. Or combine a protein, carb and a little fat. This helps the body digest carbs slower than other combinations and makes you feel full.

And the study found that afternoon snackers tend to eat more fruits and vegetables so snack away but make it the right foods at the right time.

Conflict Resolution in a Family

posted by Linda Mintle

What happens to children when the parents can’t deal with conflict? You might be surprised at the impact on kids.

Watch the video

 

YouTube Preview Image

Previous Posts

Teens and TV: Are They Overdoing It?
By now, most of you are aware that too much screen viewing for children and teens is linked to  elevated blood pressure, high cholesterol, lack of sleep, school problems, aggression, and being overweight. And we know that teen viewing habits often carry over to adult viewing habits. So how are

posted 7:00:54am Jul. 28, 2014 | read full post »

Body-Brain Connection: When Bigger Really is Better
"As your weight goes up, the size and function of your brain goes down." This, according to psychiatrist, Daniel Amen. It's true, smaller doesn't always mean better, especially when it comes to the size of your brain! Dr. Amen, author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Body, wants us all to get o

posted 9:27:01am Jul. 17, 2014 | read full post »

5 Proactive Steps to Get Rid of Job Worry
Downsizing, added work loads, difficult co-workers, budget cuts and poor leadership can cause even the calmest person to worry on the job. On way to deal with stress and job worries is to control the things you can and trust God for the rest. Here are 5 proactive steps you can take in order to g

posted 7:00:22am Jul. 15, 2014 | read full post »

Hair Raising: Kids Getting Bikini Waxes
When the New York Post reported that 14-year-old Glynis Coyne has been getting her legs waxed since she was eight years old, I just gasped. Apparently, I am not up on the trend--hair removal for prepubescent girls! Instead of a trip to the candy store, a growing number of moms choose spa visits. The

posted 7:00:32am Jul. 14, 2014 | read full post »

10 Reasons Couples Therapy Needs a Spiritual Base
Let's say your marriage is hurting and you know you need help. If you are a Christian couple, does it matter who you see and what approach the person uses to help you? Absolutely. So much of couples therapy is based on a secular humanistic approach and not on the truths of Christianity. Here i

posted 7:00:27am Jul. 11, 2014 | read full post »


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.