Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

Ash Wednesday: A Day to Let Go of Relationship Hurt

posted by Linda Mintle

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future—Paul Boese

Today is Ash Wednesday.  It is the beginning of the 40 days of preparation (Lent) that leads to the celebration of Chris’s death (Good Friday) , burial and resurrection (Easter). On this day, we focus on our sins, repentance and God’s forgiveness and grace. It is a reminder of the price our Lord paid to free us from the grip of sin.

So today, as we think about the seriousness of the cross and what it means, examine your heart in the area of relationships. Take a few moments to engage in quiet contemplation.

Is there anger or unforgiveness that you are holding in your heart? Has someone hurt you and you haven’t been able to let go of that hurt?

Today would be a great day to let go, give it to God and begin to pray for that person who hurt you.

1. Choose to forgive: You won’t always feel like forgiving someone but making that choice allows God to heal those hurts and wounds.

2. View forgiveness as an act of obedience to God. Romans 12:19-21 reminds us that God is  the One who will deal with people who have hurt us.

3. Remove the offense through prayer and release.

4. Meditate on Scripture.

5. Leave your hurt and wound at the foot of the cross. Nail the sin of unforgiveness at that place. Christ died for it.

6. Pray for the offender. This is probably the most difficult. In Matthew 5, Jesus tells us to pray for those who persecute us. Release all judgment and allow God to complete His healing in you.

 

 

For more help: Breaking Free from Anger and Unforgivness by Dr. Linda Mintle

 

 

Should You Date a Co-Worker? 10 Reasons to Be Cautious

posted by Linda Mintle

One of the things we know about attraction is that proximity can bring it on. So working day in and day out with a person often leads to feelings of attraction. You talk regularly, share problems, laugh and spend hours in each others company. In fact, surveys tell us that 74% of people have dated a co-worker.

But is dating your co-worker a good idea?

Office romances can be scintillating, but also problematic. While it might be fun to flirt and be given attention, the down side of office romance needs to be considered. Here are 10 cautionary notes:

1) You need to know your company’s policy on dating co-workers. If there is one that prohibits this, do not do it.

2) When the relationship isn’t going well, you can’t avoid the person. The smaller the office, the more awkward this can be.

3) Focusing on a co-worker as a dating partner often alienates you from other co-workers. You stop going to lunch with others, talking during coffee breaks, and getting to know people because your time and energy is with the one you are dating.

4) If your workplace frowns on dating co-workers, this can jeopardize your chance of promotion. Administrators may believe it is difficult to stay “professional” when your personal life intersects with the office.

5) A break up puts you in an awkward place. And you don’t know how people may respond to a break up. He or she could seek revenge or  undermine your work.

6) Dating a person to whom you report to is doubly problematic. The inequality of power places you in a vulnerable position and can be manipulated. If you are the boss, you could  be sued or accused of giving preferential treatment.

7) If you are quarreling out of the office, it may be difficult not to bring it to the office.

8) Other co-workers could get jealous and set you up.

9) What you share with a person while dating could be shared with the office after a break up.

10) This may seem obvious, but the co-worker may not be single. According to infidelityfacts.com, 36% of men and women admit to having an affair with a co-worker. The workplace is the number one place to meet someone for an affair.

What are your thoughts on dating a co-worker?

The Key To Staying Married

posted by Linda Mintle

“I like you and want to stay married.” Great. But that probably isn’t going to cut it unless the commitment is much deeper.

Think about it. Most people stay committed when the relationship goes well, but what about when stress mounts and pressure comes your way? Then what happens to commitment?

It’s when we experience the hard times that the level of commitment you have to the relationship really counts.

Commitment means staying in the game when it feels bad and isn’t exactly going your way. This is when the committed partner takes action and says, “OK, let’s deal with the problems and work it out.”

And this is where sacrifice comes in–you may have to compromise or do things you aren’t thrilled about like helping clean bathrooms, take out the trash or watch a TV show your partner likes.  But this level of commitment–where sacrifice and compromise come in–helps couples go the distance.

A study of newlyweds in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the role commitment plays. When couples take their vows and commit to the good and bad of relationships, they better mean it or the chances of breaking up increases. Of course, I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship or one that puts you at risk physically.

When problems come, stay in the moment. Communicate, compromise and look at the big picture. It’s not about who wins, but all about how you work together to honor those vows.

 

 

Source: University of California – Los Angeles (2012, February 1). Here is what real commitment to your marriage means. ScienceDaily. Retrieved February 16, 2012, from http://www.sciencedaily.com­ /releases/2012/02/120201181453.htm

Are You Creating a Delinquent Teen?

posted by Linda Mintle

“Do what I say or else?”

Does this authoritarian parenting style work to curb delinquent behavior in teens?

How do you establish authority over a teenager?

What does it take to say something with conviction, mean it and have your teen respect you?

These questions were answered in a recent study published in the February issue of The Journal of Adolescence*. The researchers looked at parenting style, teen’s perception of parental legitimacy and changes in delinquent behavior. To do so, they assessed three different parenting styles: authoritative (demanding and controlling but responsive to teen need), authoritarian (controlling and demanding but detached from teen need)  and permissive (non-demanding and non-controlling but few boundaries). What they found was this:

1) When parents take the “My way or the highway” approach to parenting (authoritarian), teens do not see those parents as legitimate and thus do not respect or listen to those parents.

2) When authoritative parenting is done by first listening to your teens, gaining their respect and trust, teens shape up.

A key point of the study was this notion of parent legitimacy. When a teen feels a parent is a legitimate authority because he or she is listened to and his or her needs are heard, the chance of trusting that parent and doing what is asked is heightened. So the take away from this study is this: Authoritative parenting styles work best because they gain the trust and cooperation of teens. Teens see those parents as legitimate authority figures and are more likely to do what those parents say. Demanding compliance with no parental legitimacy developed doesn’t work. And the permissive style had little impact on teen behavior.

Listen to your kids and show you care, but still put on the boundaries. They need parents whom they trust are looking out for their good, even when they don’t like the rules.

 

 

 

*Source: University of New Hampshire (2012, February 10). Controlling parents more likely to have delinquent children. ScienceDaily. Retrieved

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