Doing Life Together

couple unhappyYou are busy. I get that. Welcome to life!

When we are busy, sex can take a back seat and get lost in our everyday TO DO list.

Of course busyness isn’t the only reason why sex wanes in a marriage. Often busyness is a cover for deeper or life issues. Consider the following 10 reasons and decide if any of these could be impacting your sexual relationship:

1) Your hormone levels are out of balance.  An imbalance can cause a low sex drive. See a physician and get checked!

2)  You’ve recently had a baby. Most women do not have sex on their mind after delivering a baby. Libido wanes, you are exhausted, sore and overwhelmed for weeks and even months. It takes time to heal and adjust to a newborn.

3) You’ve gone through cancer or other serious medical treatment. Some people are very tired and lose interest in sex when fighting cancer or a serious illness. Body image can suffer as well. However, some people desire sex as a way to feel close to their partners, so it is important to talk about what the cancer is doing to you physically, mentally and relationally.

4) Your job is very stressful. Stress of any kind can shut down sexual feelings, especially when you feel something is out of your control. Work stress is one of those areas in which people feel a lack of control over their lives–too many demands, bad leadership, critical bosses, lack of resources, etc. can pile on stress and take a toll on your libido.

5) You are care taking aging parents. Care taking stress is well documented and often leaves people exhausted and out of touch with their own needs. The demands of others can push your needs to the bottom of the list.

6) You struggle with serious financial problems. Financial stress wears on a person and often results in feeling of worry. Worry can strangle the joy out of a relationship!

7)  You don’t trust your partner because of certain behaviors or past history. A lack of trust is an intimacy killer. If someone has betrayed you, you may be reluctant to be intimate.

8) You feel rejected by your partner. Rejection doesn’t lead to sexual closeness. It does the opposite. So the rejection must be addressed in order for a person to re-engage in a sexual relationship.

9) You are carrying around resentment and unforgiveness. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness. Bitterness leads to distance. If you want to turn things around, forgive to move forward sexually.

10) There is an absence of touch during nonsexual times. People want to be caressed and physically touched in nonsexual times so make an effort to touch as much and as often as possible.

If any of these reasons apply, attend to your sexual relationship. You may want to consult a sex therapist to turn things around. Ignoring sexual intimacy leads to lower satisfaction in marriage and usually means something deeper is going on in a couple’s relationship.

Don’t allow a long period of time to go by without having a sexual relationship. Talk, touch, flirt and make sex a priority. It helps a couple feel loved and connected.

ID-10016236Forgive and love generously. Remember, as you choose to forgive, bless and do good, this does not mean you condone negative behavior, are minimizing hurt or denying problems. It means you have decided to follow the words of Christ and do what does not come naturally to most of us. Our model is Christ. He was despised, rejected, and abused. Yet, he had compassion and loved the unlovely. What a challenge!

As you encounter family members who are not always so loving, try these suggestions:

  1. Make attempts to resolve issues that have built up and caused resentment. Avoidance just leads to anger, unforgiveness, and bitterness.
  2. Remember the good moments in your relationship. Do not deny problems, but balance negatives with positives.
  3. Do something enjoyable together in order to build positive memories.
  4. Control your tongue. It has the power of life and death according to the Book of James.
  5. Pray for those who irritate you. Ask God to give you His heart when it comes to them.
  6. Love people as yourself.
  7. Consider the biblical principle—what you sow, you reap (Galatians 6:7).
  8. Forgive often and do not hold on to offense.
  9. God’s grace is a gift; offer it to others as well.
  10. Read I Corinthians 13 as a true reminder of love. Love is patient, kind, does not envy or boast, keeps no records of wrong, hopes and never fails. (v. 4-7)

Betrayal cuts deep. A husband cheats, a daughter lies, a friend goes behind your back…Your heart is broken! How you respond to that betrayal will move you forward or keep you stuck.

Next: Do Right or Be Right: The Challenge of Betratal


older coupleGetting old is not for the faint at heart, at least, that is what my mother used to say. But is this attitude about aging one of the reasons we don’t age well?

Research on aging tells us that the messages we receive about aging affect how well we age.

Consider this. You are watching TV and you hear words like, “Spry, wise, honor, dignity, etc.,” to describe aging. Instead of the usual messages about falling down, taking multiple drugs and the need for pain relief, you hear positive words about aging.

A study in Psychological Science at the Yale School of Public Health concluded that these positive cultural messages about aging affect your physical function in a good way. In the study, positive messages about aging were presenting in unconscious ways. Those unconscious messages had more of an impactful than the conscious ones. And those unconscious messages about aging were more impactful than writing a positive story about aging. The subliminal messages were so powerful that another study found them equally as effective as exercise!

What does this mean? Stop listening to people and commercials that tell you how problematic aging is and will be. Find people with a positive outlook and support each other. Approach aging from a positive light.

The more positive the messages about aging, the better your self-image! Even better, be the bearer of good news. Talk about aging in positive ways and you will positively impact others.


I am thankful for a world of beautiful color!

For family who loves me and loves God!

For a marriage that has endured 40 years with my best friend!

For children who honor God and each other!

For my dad who at 93 is still with us!

For all the many blessings we have….count them one by one!