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Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

Parenting a Biting Toddler: What to Do

posted by Linda Mintle

People leave churches for all kinds of reasons. But when Jimmy bit Chelsea during the praise and worship time, Chelea’s family neeeded a little more grace and a better understanding of child development.

Biting and hitting, though never acceptable behaviors, are normal behaviors for children between the ages of one and two. Developmentally, toddlers are exploring their world through the mouth, a source of pleasure and power. They also may be teething (biting feels good on swollen gums), needing attention  (negative attention is attention) or imitating others. Biting and hitting are ways to express emotions and relieve immediate frustration, anger or other uncomfortable feelings. And biting and hitting are also ways of coping with an environment that is too stimulating or overcrowded and isn’t working for the child.

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In order to help a toddler stop hitting or biting, adults must understand these behaviors from the perspective of the child. Toddlers are impulsive and lack self-control. They are easily frustrated or upset and do not talk about their feelings. They simply react. They are not trying to purposely hurt another child, but use sounds and actions to communicate how they feel, express autonomy and to control others. And because of their age, they don’t fully understand the concept of hurting another child.  So when a child takes a toy, pushes, or refuses to cooperate, the toddler may hit or bite that child. That’s when adults should intervene and teach toddlers how to better handle their frustrations and prevent hurtful behavior.

To do so, one must figure out when, why and with whom the biting occurs. For example, if a nursery is overcrowded and toys must be shared, this could trigger biting or hitting. Intervening would require keeping a watchful eye on the play, reminding children not to bite, and praising cooperative behavior. Teaching children to share what is available would also be important. In other cases, simple fixes like giving a child a teething ring, a needed nap, snacks for hunger and teaching him or her to say “Mine” or “No” during play can prevent biting and hitting. No matter the trigger, the best approach is to stay calm, stop the behavior and direct attention to the hurt child.

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Finally, be clear in a group setting and in your family as to how biting and hitting will be handled before these behaviors occur. If biting and hitting do not improve within a few days or weeks of intervention, then these behaviors could signal a more serious issue that may need additional intervention by a mental health or health provider.  Most often, these behaviors will pass as the child grows and is positively guided by loving adults.

 

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5 Step Parenting Tips to Make It All Work

posted by Linda Mintle

Terry slouched on my therapy couch and mumbled, “My mom has a new husband. She wants me to be nice to him but I don’t feel like being nice.  I’m sick and tired of not seeing my dad. I don’t like this strange guy walking around my house and telling me he’s my friend. He’s not my friend. He’s a stranger. I want my dad back.”

The challenge of living with a stepparent requires time and patience from all family members. Suddenly there is a stranger sharing the bathroom, giving directions and checking your homework. Mom or dad is no longer exclusively yours. One parent’s daily presence is lost. Holidays become complicated. And what do you call this new person who shows up at the breakfast table with habits that annoy you?

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From the child’s point of view, his/her family has been torn apart and replaced with another. This loss and new arrangement were not by choice. Feelings of anger linger long after the parents’ divorce is final. If the child hasn’t openly worked through anger and unforgiveness towards the original parents, these feelings carry over to the blended family as well.

In the best of situations, stepchildren struggle to find ways to honor stepparents without dishonoring biological parents. They experience a constant division of loyalties that evidences in even the smallest of issues. It is this division of loyalties that resurfaces throughout the new marriage and serves as an unpleasant reminder of the price children pay for divorce.

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So what can parents do to help children adjust to newly formed families?

First, they must ask God for wisdom to discern the needs of their children.  The remarried couple is delighted to put their former marriages behind them and is hopeful about the future. Children of divorce are not in the same place. Often their feelings of rejection intensify when strangers enter the family. Remarried adults must constantly ask, “What are the needs of the children?”

Second, blended families should not pretend to be a replacement family for children.  The reality is that children lose a parent and parents gain a new partner. You must continually talk about this fact.  Encourage emotional expression. Reassure the children that no matter what they feel, you can handle it and will deal with it.

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Third, be patient. While stepchildren need to be helped through the transition of blending a family, don’t force closeness.  It takes time for a child to get to know a new adult and feel comfortable having him or her in the house.  It is normal for a child to want the original family back so he/she doesn’t have to divide loyalties, visitation and important dates.

Fourth, be careful to give children privacy when it comes to their physical bodies.  As stepparents, you did not change their diapers, tuck them into bed every night and you are not biologically related. Therefore you must be extra sensitive to appropriate physical boundaries.

Finally, keep God the center of family life. He is your constant source of strength and healing. Be a family who prays and commits to working through even the toughest emotions and disappointments.

 

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Is It Ever OK to Lie?

posted by Linda Mintle

A few years ago, Connecticut’s Attorney General and US Senate candidate, Richard Blumenthal, was caught lying about his service in Viet Nam. According to reports, this wasn’t the first time he misspoke and allowed the myth of his wartime service to be spread unchecked. Once caught, Blumenthal back peddled, never labeled what he did a lie and became defensive with media. Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine commented that Blumenthal’s actions were wrong, but shouldn’t hurt his run for office (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/23/tim-kaine-blumenthal-wron_n_586369.html).

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How sad that grown men do not see lying as a problem of trust? How disturbing is it that telling lies should not impact a person’s run for political office? What kind of message do we send others about telling the truth?  Isn’t lying one of the reasons Americans have lost trust in public officials? When we witness people saying whatever is necessary in order to get elected or pass their agendas, trust is lost. And trust is fundamental to any relationship.

On the one hand we teach our children that telling the truth is always the best option. In our family, if you told the truth, the consequence was less than if you lied. But what our children and teens witness through media is just the opposite -tell the truth only when it works for you. If you can get away with a lie, it is no big deal. If the end justifies the mean, than maybe lying is necessary. Yet, honesty is the foundation of building trust.

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If you’ve been on the other side of a lie, you know how hurtful it is and how damaging the consequences can be. Trust is eroded, making relationships difficult. If you were caught in a lie, would you admit it, think it was no big deal, hope you got away with it or be repentant and try to quickly repair the damage?

Is it ever OK to lie? Given what our kids see in media, this is a discussion to have often, prompted by what they see in media and sports. What does God’s word say about lying? How important are relationships built on truth? We all make mistakes, but admitting to them is what brings repentance.

In your family, talk about how trust is built in relationships and how lying hurts people in the long run. It is tempting to lie, easy to do and often accepted or overlooked. But ultimately lies come back to us and hurt those involved.

 

Do you feel lying is more acceptable today and without consequences?

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Are You a Walk Away Wife?

posted by Linda Mintle

Is your wife nagging you?

Take this as a good sign. It might mean she is still invested in the marriage and not ready to walk away.

Maybe you’ve heard about the Walk-away Wife Syndrome. It’s a phrase that has been coined to describe women who will file for divorce . Of the one million who file, two-thirds to three quarters are women ready to walk away from unhappy marriages.

By the time a woman says, “I’m done,” in a marriage, the discontent has built over the years. Women begin most marriages attending to the relationship and push for change. They want intimacy out of their partners and when intimacy is lacking, women usually bring it up and begin to complain. Complaints signal unrest and men need to pay attention to this. Unfortunately, too many men distance when complaining begins. They are uncomfortable with the conflict. Eventually, the wife gives up and resigns herself to the idea that her man will never change. The man takes this lack of complaint as a sign that things are better. But they are not. When the wife announces she is walking away from the marriage, the man is stunned. He thinks, “How did this happen?”

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So if you are at this point in your marriage and want to walk away because your spouse has been clueless and unresponsive, I would encourage you to try one more time. Sometimes, men are a little slow at catching on to these relationship patterns. Your desire to walk away may be the wake up call to tell him, “Yes, things are really that bad and need to be changed.”

When couples agree to try again, I have seen amazing results. They improve the marriage and avoid the pain and agony of divorce. It can be done.

Find a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) who can help you made necessary changes. When both people wake up to the reality that change is needed, the marriage can really improve.

 

 

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For more couple help, I Married You, Not Your Family 

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