Beliefnet
Doing Life Together

infidelitySara was going through a rough patch in her marriage. She and Jeff were struggling to spend time together and found themselves growing apart. They stopped attending church, rarely went out or did anything together. Both were in intense careers that demanded much of their time.

So when Sara’s relationship with a co-worker turned into an affair, I wasn’t surprised. Sara spent long hours working with this man. The conversation often turned personal and the two traveled together on many assignments. Sara admitted that her co-worker knew more about her inner life than her husband and that she had turned to him for emotional support.

Infidelity often occurs at the office or work place for the reasons Sara experienced. Passion at home is waning, an attractive co-worker is friendly, time spent together can become an emotionally attachment if boundaries are not placed on the relationship, and other relationships are ignored.

Cheating in the workplace is not only wrong, but often backfires and ends in work related regret.

So how do you protect yourself from cheating at work: Here are 10 tips to help put on the breaks when you feel tempted.

1) Have your meetings in public spaces.

2) Don’t engage in excessive touching with any co-worker. It sends the wrong message and can be stimulating.

3) Keep family reminders at your work space. No out of sight, out of mind.

4) Don’t do lunch dates or after work drinks with someone with whom you have an attraction. This is a set up for boundaries to be crossed and emotional intimacy to develop.

5) Resist the popular idea of a “work” spouse. Stick with your home spouse.

6) Keep your personal life personal. Sharing intimate details is what creates an emotional connection.

7) Attend to your home relationship and turn towards that person for emotional support.

8) Talk about your spouse and family at work in positive terms. Don’t dissociate them from your work life.

9) Think  about your conversations. Would I say that in front of my husband? If no, then don’t say it.

10) Listen to your gut. It usually tells you to put on the brakes.

 

 

couple“I’m in the middle of an emotional crisis here and you want sex?  Really?”

Yes really. The woman who uttered this during a therapy session did not understand her husband’s bid for emotional closeness. In the middle of emotional crises, men want sex. It is one way they connect emotionally.

Why? Isn’t this insensitive?

No, not when you understand the way men and women  think about sex relationally.

For men, sex is a way of showing affection. In his hormonal wiring, he is thinking, if we have sex, we’ll feel more connected and stress will be relieved. If we have sex, she will see how much I care. I can be close to her, reassure her.

While this is true for men, women think differently.

She is thinking: If he is attuned to my inner world, empathetic to my needs and tracking with me emotionally, I’ll want more sex. Right now, I have to pull myself out of this exhaustion to feel sexual. I need more warm up time and more anticipation.

Women lead with their feelings, men with their bodies.

Both want the same thing: Connection and intimacy: Men want women physically to feel connected and women want men emotionally in order to give them their bodies.

So next time that husband suggests sex as a way to deal with stress and feel closer, think about his motive and understand his heart. Then give your side of the story in terms of how you think. See what happens from there!

 

I don’s usually post radio shows but this one I did on the rite of passage for our teens, obsession with fame and how media sexualizes women is a powerful show. It’s 30 minutes long and important for any family. Take a listen.

Click on this link to listen–The Dr. Linda Mintle Radio Show

Dr Linda radio

BlondeWhen Kim Kardashian decided to dye her hair blonde after the birth of her first child, my eye caught a survey about the differences between blondes and brunettes.

All blonde jokes aside, Rose-Marie Jarvis of Goody hair conducted a survey of over 3000 participants and found that blondes engage in their beauty routines an average of 72 minutes a day, six minutes longer than brunettes. This means blondes spend 22 days a year getting ready, compared to 19 days for those lagging behind brunettes. It appears that blondes have to work harder to get that same light hair shine as brunettes already possess. And all that time spent on getting ready seems to make blondes feel more confident, leading to more fun![1]

Now, you know why the blonde woman in your life, the blonde dorm roommate or friend is making you late!

The survey also found that blonde men tend to like blond women, and brunette men prefer brunette women. When it comes to attraction in terms of hair color, like attracts like.

It’s also true that if you hung around a certain hair color type growing up and had good experiences with that hair type, you will be attracted to that hair color as an adult.  And say, the blonde bully picked on you in middle school, you probably won’t be attracted to that blonde drummer in the band. It’s too much of a reminder.

Like attracts like, but here is where the differences come in to play. When brunettes first meet other people, they are perceived as being smarter than blondes (Think of all the dumb blonde jokes). Furthermore, men, in London, are more attracted to brunettes. If you are thinking, this is just not fair, go ahead and die your hair blonde and move to another country.

The researchers also found that blondes go on more dates and feel more confident and youthful. Overall, blondes are perceived to be more attractive and even do better at getting tips as waitresses. [2

Hmmmmm…….Blondes just might have more fun, or least get better tips!

 

 


[2] Lynn, M. (2009) Determinants and consequences of female attractiveness and sexiness: Realistic tests with restaurant waitresses.  Arch Sex Behav, 38(5). 737-45.


[1] The Telegraph. Tuesday September 2013 Retrieved on-line from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/6268201/Blondes-take-longer-than-brunettes-to-get-ready.html

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