Grace was really tired and knew her husband would approach her in bed. She just wasn’t in the mood, but thought she should probably have sex and get it over with–not the best motivation to be intimate. At least, she was honest with herself. But admitting that to her husband would just raise issues, so she dutifully complied.
Did it matter what her motivation was for having sex? Wasn’t it just important to keep having sex in her marriage?
New research says, YES, motivation matters and it affects your marital satisfaction. Studies at the University of Toronto concluded that couples who want to improve their intimacy, feel closer, or have what is called an APPROACH motive for sex are more satisfied long-term than couples who have sex to AVOID issues like not feeling guilty, not having conflict over sex, etc.
Survey data from couples found that when the motive for sex is more positively oriented than negative, there was more marital satisfaction and a higher level of desire. The opposite was also true. Having sex for negative reasons like avoiding a hassle or just getting it over with resulted in more negative feelings. Apparently, it matters to your partner WHY you have sex. And the negative can build up over time.
So how can you motive yourself positively? Think about what you want in the relationship–more intimacy, closeness, desire and then let that motivate your approach. Work on enjoying each other and making the experience positive. Since you now know that your motivation affects your relationship, positivity goes a long way towards feeling more satisfied with your partner and increasing desire.
Answer YES OR NO to each question.
1) When your partner does something that bothers you, do you think, “There must be a good reason for this. I am sure we can work it out?”
2) Are you free to express your dreams, values and viewpoints?
3) Do you manage your emotions during conflict and try to understand what is happening?
4) When distressed, are you able to talk about your fears and worries?
5) Can you calm yourself down when you feel defensive and believe your partner may feel attacked too?
6) When an argument is repeated, do you think about what the bigger issue may be?
7) No matter how distressed or conflicted, do you maintain connection with your partner?
8) Do you regularly tell your partner how much he or she is appreciated?
9) Do you show on-going interest in what your partner says?
10) Do you both have common goals, dreams and hopes?
If you answered YES to most of these questions, congratulations! You are doing great at making your relationship work!
This morning, I am on my way to the beautiful Mackinac Island to speak at a women’s conference all week. The air is brisk with smells of Fall. The leaves are turning stunning colors and the heat of summer seems far away. It’s all so breathtaking and such a reminder of God’s creativity. I smile, remembering an evening that gave me another, very different glimpse of God’s creation.
Friends of mine invited my husband and I for a weekend in Annapolis to see Peter White, Gerald Albright and Rick Braun play live. What an amazing evening of jazz that turned out to be. The musicians were fabulous, the heat above 100, and the air conditioning in the place struggled to keep us all from profusely sweating. But no one cared. We were so taken by the music, the conditions didn’t matter. People were mesmerized by the level of talent displayed on the stage. Despite the intense heat, everyone smiled, sang with abandoned and even danced the final number. The evening was appropriately billed as, The Jazz Attack.”
As I sat there and observed the multicultural group that assembled to enjoy these master musicians, I wondered, “Is this a taste of heaven?” If there is a jazz section of worship in heaven, I’d like to put in my reservation now. Something about jazz music makes people smile and relax. For a few hours, we all forgot about the stress of life and immersed ourselves in the music.
In moments like these, we get a glimpse of the incredible talent given by God. And one day, when all that talent is directed in worship towards the One who created it, what a party that will be. The joy will be like no other joy. We will simply do what the Westminster Confession reminds us to do, “Glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” In the meantime, look for those moments when the beauty of God’s creation is so evident, you sit in amazement. It’s a taste of what is to come.
It was because her boyfriend, Rob, decided to break it off. Ann was in the midst of grieving, but was not allowing that process to happen. She was medicating with food.
The body and mind are connected so when rejection hits hard, it is no wonder our appetites either leave us or kick in to gear so we don’t have to think about the present moment.
People reject you. Food accepts you. Food tastes good and is a comforting distraction from the momentary pain of rejection.
Think of all the movies you have seen of women diving into the ice cream or comfort food to ease the emotional pain of rejection. Comfort food soothes us and makes us feel better. The problem is that we can’t eat away the pain. Food only covers it up. And we can’t focus on grief is we are numbing our momentary feelings with food.
Better to grieve the rejection and grab your thoughts. “This feels terrible, but I can get through it. I am hurting but eating away my feelings is going to result in feeling worse. Here’s where I need some self-care. Don’t add insult to injury. The last thing I want to do after a break up is gain weight and feel more rejection. Stay present!”
If you can stay present with your feelings and not escape into the food, you will certainly feel the sting of the rejection, but you will be allowing the grieving process. Then, as you see that you can handle the heartache, you won’t need to go to the food for escape. And you won’t be tempted to eat away your pain–an important lesson in coping.
So if you’ve been rejected in love, resist that comfort food.
Stay in the moment, feel the pain, tell yourself that tomorrow will be better. Grief needs to be processed, and you will come through this with God’s help.