Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together


Should You Reveal Your Secrets to Your Spouse?

posted by Linda Mintle

crying womanI was in the grocery store yesterday and the tabloids were headlining the secret love child of yet another celebrity couple. While we tend to expect this from celebrity relationships, secrets are a problem for any couple. The question asked is if it is a good idea to reveal those secrets to your partner.

Let’s think about how it feels to find out after the fact. Do you really want to be surprised with a secret 10 years into a marriage, especially one that may have impacted your decision to marry in the first place? And the person living with a secret carries a burden that may interfere with intimacy as well.

Secrets tend to fall into 3 categories: 1) Things that are taboo–affairs, drug use, contracting an STI, etc. 2) A rule violation like partying, drinking too much at the office party, etc. or 3) More conventional problems like failing a test, hiding a health problem, etc.

We keep secrets from our loved ones for all kinds of reasons. We may be afraid of  disapproval; we may want to protect that person, or we may worry about his or her reactions. But self-disclosure actually helps relationships and builds intimacy. Living with secrets is like living in a house with a cracked foundation, it never quite repairs and creates problems. While you don’t have to reveal every thought in your head to your partner, keeping secrets about important issues is not recommended.

Revealing secrets can hurt the other person, but it is the only way true repair can begin. You’ve already hurt the person by engaging in the behavior or keeping something important from him or her. Healthy relationship require honesty.

In relationships where trust is absent, self-disclosure can open the door to betrayal, gossip and violations of your privacy. Think, Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky! So don’t reveal your secrets to people you can’t trust. In fact, better to keep those secrets between you and your spouse. If you need help getting through the process, go to a therapist.



  • http://www.spyappsiphone.com/ John

    You should not tell you did in your past like your affair, she will get hearted and not trust on you more.

  • Linda Mintle

    Nice!

  • http://www.jomocounseling.com Mark Liston

    Hi Linda,

    I share this principle with my clients this way:

    If I have a secret WITH you, we grow closer;

    If I have a secret FROM you, we grow apart.

    Mark

Previous Posts

Withholding Friendship as a Weapon
I'll never forget the day my five-year-old came home and said, "No one will play with 'Sandy' because she doesn't do what they say!" I was upset and thankfully, my daughter thought it was mean. But the other girls excluded little Sandy and rejected her from their friendship circle. Would you be

posted 7:00:24am Aug. 20, 2014 | read full post »

Look Before You Lock: Leaving Kids in Hot Cars
It's August. It's hot! You just need to run into the store for a few minutes to grab a few groceries. Your six-month-old is sleeping soundly and he really needs a nap. Should you leave him be and run in to the store? With all the news about children dying in hot cars, the Dr. Linda Mintle radio sh

posted 7:00:03am Aug. 18, 2014 | read full post »

More Bad News for Pot Smokers
As the legalization of marijuana gains momentum, more data pours in that is NOT good news. Here are some of the findings: Sometimes, marijuana is addictive. If you begin as a teen, you have a higher chance of developing an addiction. According to the National Institute of Drug Use, about 9% who

posted 7:00:03am Aug. 14, 2014 | read full post »

Robin Williams: Laughter and Sadness
The news that Robin Williams had died, hit me hard. This incredible funny man was introduced to me as an alien on Mork and Mindy. Immediately, one could see the quick wit of a comedian destined for stardom. He made us laugh! Then he broadened his stage to movies and made us cry, cheer and feel i

posted 6:19:47am Aug. 12, 2014 | read full post »

And the Winner for the Highest Calorie Meal in a Restaurant Goes To...
Are you on the go and too busy to cook? Before you pull in to that chain restaurant for a quick meal, consider the calorie count of some of the meals. You might be a little sticker shocked when it comes to the high count. One group hands out awards for those meals that go over the top in terms of

posted 7:00:46am Aug. 11, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.