Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together


Should You Reveal Your Secrets to Your Spouse?

posted by Linda Mintle

crying womanI was in the grocery store yesterday and the tabloids were headlining the secret love child of yet another celebrity couple. While we tend to expect this from celebrity relationships, secrets are a problem for any couple. The question asked is if it is a good idea to reveal those secrets to your partner.

Let’s think about how it feels to find out after the fact. Do you really want to be surprised with a secret 10 years into a marriage, especially one that may have impacted your decision to marry in the first place? And the person living with a secret carries a burden that may interfere with intimacy as well.

Secrets tend to fall into 3 categories: 1) Things that are taboo–affairs, drug use, contracting an STI, etc. 2) A rule violation like partying, drinking too much at the office party, etc. or 3) More conventional problems like failing a test, hiding a health problem, etc.

We keep secrets from our loved ones for all kinds of reasons. We may be afraid of  disapproval; we may want to protect that person, or we may worry about his or her reactions. But self-disclosure actually helps relationships and builds intimacy. Living with secrets is like living in a house with a cracked foundation, it never quite repairs and creates problems. While you don’t have to reveal every thought in your head to your partner, keeping secrets about important issues is not recommended.

Revealing secrets can hurt the other person, but it is the only way true repair can begin. You’ve already hurt the person by engaging in the behavior or keeping something important from him or her. Healthy relationship require honesty.

In relationships where trust is absent, self-disclosure can open the door to betrayal, gossip and violations of your privacy. Think, Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky! So don’t reveal your secrets to people you can’t trust. In fact, better to keep those secrets between you and your spouse. If you need help getting through the process, go to a therapist.



  • http://www.spyappsiphone.com/ John

    You should not tell you did in your past like your affair, she will get hearted and not trust on you more.

  • Linda Mintle

    Nice!

  • http://www.jomocounseling.com Mark Liston

    Hi Linda,

    I share this principle with my clients this way:

    If I have a secret WITH you, we grow closer;

    If I have a secret FROM you, we grow apart.

    Mark

Previous Posts

10 Ways to Respond to Someone Who Is Depressed
One good thing that came out of Robin William's death is that we are once again talking about depression. Depression can be a silent killer and still has a stigma despite the numbers of people who struggle with it in any give year. We don't like to talk about it, mostly because we don't know what to

posted 7:51:57am Aug. 30, 2014 | read full post »

The Real Reason We Yawn!
It's late afternoon. You are sitting in a meeting. Three people at the table yawn and you do the same. Are you bored? Tired? Or what? Need more coffee? Need more sleep? Or maybe you need a nice cool air-conditioned room! Even though we do yawn more when we are tired, tired may not be the re

posted 7:00:09am Aug. 27, 2014 | read full post »

Teacher Tells Student What Words She Cannot Say!
Some things defy common sense...here is one of them. Be ready to be outraged! Maybe you heard the story last week. High school senior Kendra Turner was suspended in Dyer County Tennessee for breaking a class rule. You might be thinking, "OK, teachers need to keep control of their classrooms."

posted 7:00:54am Aug. 25, 2014 | read full post »

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon Split: Telling All May Have Been Too Much
The gossip train is all a buzz with what looks like a split between pop diva, Mariah Carey and her husband, America's Got Talent host, Nick Cannon. The usual suspects, TMZ, People, Hollywood Life and others are reporting the spilt, saying divorce is a done deal. The six-year marriage that produced

posted 7:51:12am Aug. 22, 2014 | read full post »

Withholding Friendship as a Weapon
I'll never forget the day my five-year-old came home and said, "No one will play with 'Sandy' because she doesn't do what they say!" I was upset and thankfully, my daughter thought it was mean. But the other girls excluded little Sandy and rejected her from their friendship circle. Would you be

posted 7:00:24am Aug. 20, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.