Advertisement

Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

A Quick Anger Guide for Relationships

BFS_Anger_LGJohn and Mary are at it again. Arguing escalates to anger and John has a hard time calming down. As they sit in my therapy office, they ask what needs to happen. Basically, here is a summary:

1) John needs to admit that his anger is out of control. While anger is a normal emotion and not a sin, anger expression can be sinful. When you curse, yell, scream and disrespect your partner, this is a problem.

2) John insists that he has to get out his anger by yelling to feel better. This is absolutely going to hurt the relationship. John needs to deal with his anger, but not by yelling. Getting anger out aggressively only leads to more aggression.

Advertisement

3) John needs to get at the root of his anger. John is being triggered by issues from his past. He will be asked to keep an anger log to see what triggers his explosions. Below the surface, John is feeling hurt and vulnerable, a position that makes him uncomfortable. Anger makes him feel powerful. He didn’t feel powerful as a child. But John is an adult and not a victim of his past. He can react differently. His wife is not his critical father!

4) John practices ways to calm down and commits to using them. We rehearse several strategies–deep breathing, time-out, counting to 10, distraction, etc.

5) John studies the biblical passages on anger–be slow to vent, deal with anger when it comes up, no name calling, get to the source, etc.

Advertisement

5) Knowing his triggers, working through issues of his past, and armed with new ways to calm himself, John is able to stay calm in the next argument.

6) The couple discusses what went right. John identified the anger trigger, employed the calming strategy, stuck to the guidelines, and waiting to talk more until he was calm.

John had to unlearn an immediate response to anger. The reason he was successful was because he was committed to seeing how his anger negatively impacted his wife and was willing to work on issues from his past that were affecting his present. With no good role models as to how to deal with his anger, John developed his own strategy for calming down and gave his wife a cue to remind him. With practice, John’s anger response is no longer a problem.

Advertisement

 

For more help with anger, Breaking Free from Anger and Unforgiveness by Dr. Linda Mintle–over 101,000 copies sold.

Previous Posts

Memorial Day: More Than a Backyard Cookout!
Memorial Day is more than a long weekend to play. Yes, it is a three day weekend and the grills are firing up. But it is a day we recognize those who have died while serving in our armed forces. Honestly, it's not a day of joy and fun for ...

posted 7:00:36am May. 25, 2015 | read full post »

Are Your Tweets Tied to Heart Disease?
#AngryInNYC Another stupid person runs in to me. Sorry doesn’t cut it. Look up from your phone you idiot. This is just one example of Sara’s tweets that regular fill her Twitter account. It doesn’t take much to anger Sara. If someone ...

posted 7:00:10am May. 22, 2015 | read full post »

What To Do When Anger is Triggered
Anger is triggered by expectations, perceptions, and things people say and do. These hot buttons are triggers that cause the feeling to rise. Knowing your hot buttons can prepare you for future conflicts. To deal with hot buttons, think ...

posted 7:00:22am May. 20, 2015 | read full post »

Why You Shouldn't Withhold Sex in a Marriage
Aaron and Jill feels distant in their relationship. Because of the lack of closeness, their sex life has suffered. Aaron came to therapy wondering how to change this dynamic in their relationship. Sex is so important to a man’s emotional ...

posted 7:00:16am May. 18, 2015 | read full post »

Parenting: The Cost of Too High Expectations
Rita, like so many daughters, came to therapy because of a tense relationship with her parents. Rita feels her parents' expectations are too high and she can never measure up. Expectations, when too high or out of line with a child's true ...

posted 6:00:52am May. 13, 2015 | read full post »

Advertisement


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.