Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together


Jake Says, “Embrace Porn”

posted by Linda Mintle

The other day I was sitting in a medical office waiting for my routine mammogram. There was a small table next to me with reading materials on it. The first thing I noticed was that the office placed a Bible on that stand. I was impressed, rather gutsy. Not all the women who came and went in the office were there for routine mammograms. I was thankful for the placement of that Bible.

Next to the Bible, was a Glamour magazine. Curious, I picked it up and started flipping through the pages.

Shortly after I picked up the magazine, the technician came out out to the waiting area and said, “Dr. Mintle, we are ready for you. How are you?”

“Right now I am disgusted. Your reading material is telling me to embrace porn in order to liven up my love life. ”

Of course everyone heard my comments and appeared stunned. “Glamour Magazine, June 2011, page 154. Why Men Love Porn by Jake. It’s an article by some guy named Jake telling us that guys are into porn so we need to embrace it. Don’t believe it,” I loudly proclaimed as I followed the tech to the radiation room.”

The technician couldn’t wait to get me alone. “What did Jake say?”

“Jake (whoever he was) advises that we (women) do not flip out over the use of porn by the men in our lives. Porn can be an opportunity to ‘serve as a lighter fluid on the slow burn of monogamous relationships.’ Jake needs to sit with me for a few hours of therapy and listen to the women I counsel whose marriages and relationships are destroyed because of pornography. This article is irresponsible and a lie. What is the end goal for a magazine to print such nonsense?” And as a mom, would I want me teen reading this magazine in my home?

The tech didn’t get it either. What is the end goal? Money in the pockets of the porn industry? They are a thriving business!

I went on to talk  the cycle of sexual addiction–first fantasy, then ritual, then acting out. A “little” porn is like a “little cocaine.”Encourage women and men to play with fire and they will get burned!

So for anyone who wonders about the real devastation that porn has on a relationship, I encourage you to read my friend, Debbie Laaser’s book, Shattered Vows–a first hand account of how a Christian woman faced pornography in her marriage and stayed with her husband through the healing process. Debbie stayed but not all women do or are expected to stay. And not all men get healing. And that is the sad part of Jake’s advice. Most marriages are shattered by pornography and never repair. So to encourage anyone to embrace something that reduces sex to physical acts while objectifying women is unconscionable for Glamour. And trust me,Glamour is not the only magazine doing this.

 

 



  • Linda Mintle

    Emma,
    I respectfully disagree. I never said he was champion people to be sex addicts. No person who uses porn and thinks he or she will become addicted. But it is a progressive thing that requires more and more stimulation in the brain. And the truth is, once you begin, stopping is not easy.

    And how much is “too much” porn? Any porn is too much. And you might disagree but clinically I see nothing but destruction in relationships from any porn.

    This article is dangerous in that it sets up pornography to be part of the sexual intimacy of a couple. And everyday, I see the fall out of that in couples who never intended this to become an issue. You are completely wrong about the numbers of people caught in porn. The numbers would astound you. It is a major problem not a minority problem.

    And you couldn’t be more wrong about your conclusion that marriages aren’t broken by porn and that there is something wrong with the men or women who view it. You aren’t following the research that talks about a category of people now addicted who come to that addiction through what is called, “Internet capture.” They don’t have histories of shame, trauma or other issues sometimes involved. They aren’t problematic people The temptation and availability is enough to “capture.” It’s a entire new crowd not struggling with sexual addiction.

    And I would encourage you to read articles and books by Patrick Carnes, Mark Laaser and others who have written on the neuroscience of sexual addiction. You don’t do a little in terms of the brain.

    The point of this article is to normalize porn in couples which is a dangerous idea and destructive to true intimacy. If a boyfriend is interested in porn, huge red flag.. It doesn’t get better, only worse unless the person recognizes the problem and gets helps. I deal with this everyday in practice. I first hand witness the devastation.

    Finally, scripture tells us that if a man thinks on a woman with lust, he commits adultery. Explain to me how ” a little porn” negates this. And how any use pf porn avoids this.

    I am outraged that anyone would try to normal something so destructive but i appreciate your thoughts.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Emma

    Having just read the article in question via the magic of Google (here’s the link in case anyone’s interested – http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2011/05/why-men-love-porn-by-jake?currentPage=1 ), it appears you are extrapolating all manner of unwarranted ills from this rather innocent piece.

    I feel your outrage is somewhat misdirected. Given that the bulk of the article is actually trying to offer up some sense of reassurance to women who may be confused or perturbed their boyfriend/husbands interest in porn.

    Notably, the first subheader deals with the distinction between fantasy and reality, noting that just because your man watches all manner of exotic acts doesn’t necessarily mean he wants you to replicate them. To quote his friend from the article: “I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to act like that in bed. It’s not how I like to think of someone I love.” Quite sweet really. He then goes on to mention that “Just as you dream about a Brontë hero’s brutishness – in real life [you] want a guy who won’t use the Brillo pad on the nonstick pan.”

    The next paragraph reassures women that they are in no way encouraged to keep up the kind of excessive beauty regime a lot of porn actresses may have to endure. Explaining that he’d much rather prefer to be with a woman who isn’t plastered up so he can “touch her skin” and “look in her eyes.”

    He also recognizes how pornography is often viewed by society, noting that he “find[s] most pornography foul and unsupportable”, with the exception of the ‘post-it-yourself’ style amateur videos. He also remarks that men are conditioned to feel “ashamed” of their masturbation and porn viewing habits.

    As for the ‘watching porn together’ bit, it is more specifically trying to engender a sense of openness between the couple and bedroom fantasies. Stating that by discussing it, in addition to learning what he enjoys, it may also serve as a judgement free opportunity to tell him what you enjoy.

    In his conclusion, he thoughtfully notes that you have every right to be concerned if your man is watching too much porn – whereby it’s disrupting his ability to connect with you. Finally noting that, for the majority of men out there, porn fails to compare to “thinking, feeling, warm, soft, sexy real women in our lives are just that: real.”

    In your article you note that there are marriages that have been broken down by pornography, however the problem doesn’t necessarily lie within the porn itself but within the men (or women) viewing it. It seems unfair to condemn something that millions of healthy minded, honest, tax-paying men and women consume everyday just because a small minority use it improperly within their crumbling relationship. The pornography is a corollary, not a cause.

    As for the “end goal for a magazine to print such nonsense?” It didn’t appear to champion the porn industry or encourage men or women to become sex addled maniacs. More, it simply tried to alleviate some concerns or queries women might have had about the topic at hand, that they might have felt uncomfortable discussing with their man face to face. And by promoting pornography as a deplorable and taboo subject, in turn, helps to conceive articles such as this.

    Looking forward to hear your thoughts on the matter.

    God bless.

    Emma

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment becki

    Linda,I am hoping you wrote a letter to the editor…they do listen to their customers.
    God bless, becki

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