The path of transformation is not as easy path to walk. I know, because I have tried. Over and over again, in fact, I have tried.
For me the issue is not that I have failed to try. Quite the reverse. I have tried and failed.
Yet what does that mean…?
I once had a wonderful, if stern, spiritual teacher at a rigorous training say to me, “Try to untie your shoe.” I reached down and undid the laces. “Dunce!” he said. “I did not ask you to do that! Tie your shoe back up!”
Finally my teacher said, “What is the matter with you? Can you not hear? I said: ‘Try to untie your shoe.’ Are you incapable of following simple instructions?” I reached down and, much more tentatively this time, tugged on a shoelace, pulling out the knot.
“Dunce!” he shouted even louder than before. “I did not say, untie your shoe. I said, try to untie your shoe. Now tie your shoe back up again, and then try to untie it.”
I felt both humiliated and stymied. I bent down in my chair and reached for my shoelaces, but I did not know where he wanted me to go with this. I stopped in mid-motion. I was paralyzed. Kind of like, in my whole life…
My teacher just looked at me. It was a very long moment. Then, nodding, he said, “Please do not tell me that you have ‘tried’ to live a conscious life. You either live a conscious life or you don’t. There is no such thing as ‘trying.’ There is either ‘doing’ or ‘not doing.’ Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I said meekly.
“Good. Now untie your shoe. And untie the other. And take them off. And your socks with them.”
I did so.
“Now go and walk a different path, in a new way. And do not try to.” His voice softened. “Do it.”
“Yes,” I responded.
He smiled then, at last. “Blessings on your journey.”