The Bliss Blog

The Bliss Blog

The Queen of Reinvention

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When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  Not ‘what do you see”?  Go beyond appearance….way beyond…go inward. What does this person think, feel, say and do?  Does that contribute to the makeup of their identity?  Perhaps. How about their history?  Not so much, as I like to remind people “Your history is not your destiny.”  We each have the right to create our lives in our own image. Awesome responsibility comes with it, since when we do that, we have no one to blame if it doesn’t turn out to our liking.  Many feel they are at the mercy of family, friends, their jobs, the media, the government, God… I imagine that is pretty painful. Never have I allowed myself to feel like a victim of circumstance for any length of time.  I would much rather take credit for my successes and responsibility for my errors in judgment, or as a friend has said “mistakes of epic proportions.”  Even those have been stepping stones to the wondrous life I am living now.

For the first time ever, I have become remarkably introspective, dynamically still and silent when once I was a whirlwind of activity, a tornado of thought, sucking everything up into the funnel to be dumped into my ceaselessly busy buzzy brain. Sighing a lot.  Dreaming a lot. Staring into space a lot. Aimlessly wandering  a lot. That would have been unthinkable before. How silly to believe that the world would stop rotating on its axis if  I did. How arrogant to think I had that kind of power. How rewarding it is to take pause. As I do that, all that I have desired is coming into my life. The inner peace I have so desperately wanted surrounds me. The abundance in all areas splashes over me. The from the heart relationships are deepening.

I barely recognize the woman in the mirror; I even look different. Softer, calmer, more present. Taking one breath at a time. One step at a time. Almost one thought at a time; admittedly, there are still some vying for attention, but I have been asking them to wait their turn and sometimes they do.  As I do, life gets easier. As I listen to my inner guidance,  I am able to attract with little need to pursue what I want. Of course, I still set intention and take inspired action, but it is less insistent and more surrendered. Such a sense of peace accompanies it.

 

I like it that way as I become the Queen of Reinvention.  God has indeed ‘saved the Queen’ as she savors her new life.

 

Photo credit:  Princess Headwear  by melodi2

What a Difference

 

omhandWhat a difference a month makes!  When I awoke on June 12th, I had no idea that I would be indeed be experiencing an awakening unlike anything I had ever known. Going through my normal routine, planning my day in my head that included a full day of clients, writing deadlines, promo for upcoming events, a quick breakfast and out the door I went to the gym. Nothing unusual occurred until I was headed home and I felt a series of sensations that included jaw tightness, drenching sweats and heart burn pain that seared across my back and chest. All of these added up to the certainty that my heart was going haywire. Got myself to the hospital where interventions were immediate…a stent inserted in my collapsed artery and then I was toted to a bed where I hung out for a few days; all manner of wires, monitors, tubes, IV’s and meds were applied. Caring staff offered their best, loving family and friends showed up and both supported and chastised since they saw it coming. I had been running at a ridiculous pace, 12 hour days with maybe 6 hours sleep in between, for months..maybe years. Full time job, many consulting writing and speaking gigs filling in the dubious gaps. All in service to my fears of not being able to support myself added up to near shut down. How long had this been brewing? There had been two other health crises last year that I hadn’t heeded, so my body screamed louder. It got my attention this time. Not letting this heart attack go to waste. I have learned several things as a result.

1. I am human. As much as I like to see myself as invulnerable and invincible, this corporeal existence will one day end.

2. My body needs attention, nurturing, scrupulous self care, rather than neglect and inattention. That means rest…even God was rumored to have done that,  at least for a day.

3. People are there to support me as much as I am to support them. I need not be Wonder Woman to be loved.

4. Emotions play a huge role in physical wellbeing. As a career therapist, I knew this and yet, I repressed feelings for so many years, that they were coming out my ears. Unexpressed grief over my parents’ deaths over the past few years, a paradoxical marriage that ended in 1998 when my husband died following a 6 year illness, raising a child solo, living as a co-dependent caregiver for most of my life while guiding clients in creating healthy lives. The adages: ‘We teach what we need to learn,’ and ‘Healer, heal thyself.’ are pertinent here.

5. Spiritual faith can get me through anything. In the midst of my fears of ‘not enough-ness,’ I discovered a spark of certainty that all was well and would be well.

6. Learned resilience has been my strength. I have bounced back beautifully.

7. Slow and steady are watchwords now. Zen like simplicity in thoughts that had been cluttered and chaotic. Moving at a one step at a time pace; as if walking a labyrinth.

8. I am a work in progress and am ever evolving.

Who knows the outcome of this adventure?  I am eager to discover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self Aware or Self Absorbed?

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Humans are full sensory beings and from the moment of our birth, we have access to sights, sounds, tastes, smells and feelings (emotional and physical). Babies explore the world with all they’ve got. Input is essential in order for them to grow into whole and complete adults. Sadly, some don’t- for many reasons which may have to do with the environment around them (people, places and things) and the inner choices (some unconscious) that they make about how the world is and what their place is in it. You will often see toes in little mouths, as favorite toys.

I was raised in a loving, nurturing, life enhancing family and community. Rarely did I feel limited in what I was capable of doing. Never was I told “You’ll never be…..do…..have….your dreams.” It was only later that I realized what an exception to the rule that was! I became a Type A, overachiever, co-dependent caregiver, determined to succeed at anything I did; sometimes at the cost of my health. I suppose I didn’t want to squander my parents’ faith in me or the gifts with which I had come into the world. I’ve seen that happen and I wonder why people do that.

Lately, I have been acutely aware of how often I ignored my environment, including my toes(:  I sometimes sleepwalked through my days on auto pilot. I kept on keepin’ on. I wore costumes that were bright and colorful, over the top, determined to be the troubadour who painted on a smile when I sometimes felt a deep sadness. After all, I reasoned that I had not a whole lot to complain about in my life. That left me incomplete, not unlike that child I referenced in the opening paragraph. I repressed emotions in the service of being of service. In that mix was my chosen identity of peacemaker, Little Shirley Temple, tap-dancing for approval, people pleaser, Wonder Woman, and the list goes on~

In the midst of writing this, I received a call from my BFF Barb who I have known since we were 14. She said something profound. She often does. “Now that you aren’t afraid to say no, more people are saying yes to you.” What she meant was that for so long, I was fearful of turning down opportunities to teach, speak, write or counsel since I thought that my livelihood came only from those sources. What I have learned is that the ultimate Source of my sustenance is Spirit. We are in cahoots; a team.

As life would have it, the cardiac event continues to be a clarion call that has me mindful (rather than mind-full-to-overflowing) of everything I am doing. I move with Zen-like slowness of necessity, to catch my breath. When once I ‘grabbed a meal’, ‘hopped in the shower’, ‘ran here, there and everywhere,’ now I am conscious of my choices and actions. I don’t have the luxury of being on auto-pilot. I used to take pride in being a consummate multi-tasker; wearing it like a badge of honor. Now I shake my head in bewilderment about how I was able to keep so many plates spinning without dropping them. I no longer desire to be that woman; although she was part of my evolution. I honor what it took for her to become the me who is typing these words.

I ask the ‘Powers that Be’ for the ability and willingness to maintain self awareness without lapsing into self absorption.

Welcome Mat

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It amazes me the way the Universe works. I have long believed that I needed to bust my butt for everything I have achieved. I thought I needed to persist and pursue, to constantly seed plant to assure a bountiful harvest. I worked myself into a frenzy and heart attack that way. I used to joke that I was ‘functionally manic’; moving a gazillion miles an hour and justified it because it brought results. When I look back at it, they weren’t always the ones I wanted. Now that I am in surrender mode, doing less, I am allowing in more. I would have been frantic about turning down opportunities….now I am trusting that if I say no for now, it will come around again when I do have the energy to sustain it. I am allowing what I desire to come to me. In the past month, I have postponed workshops and speaking gigs, radio shows and writing jobs. The old me would have felt irresponsible, as if I was letting people down and they would never trust me again. How silly is that?  What I have desired, prayed about and requested is coming to fruition.
What I have come to realize is that everything flows as it is meant to and that by letting go, I am able to gather. This desperate fear of not having enough, doing enough or being enough is going the way of all winds. Trust is a key element. I am astonished at the perfection of it all.
The welcome mat is out.

 

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