Over the past few weeks, I have found myself (or actually lost myself) in a dark forest of despair, sadness, longing for something seemingly elusive, cracked open and grieving years of loss. Along with it came an unreasonable fear that I would never find my way out. Even as a professional in the mental health field, I felt awash in emotion that was confounding. I sought the counsel of wise friends and other professionals. I also incorporated practices that I had encouraged others to use.
*Prayer ( a bunch of conversations with the God of my understanding)
*Time in nature
*Equine therapy (offering Reiki to horses and reaping the benefit of their energy winging back to me)
*Working out at the gym
*Listening to music
*Chores (believe it or not, folding laundry and doing dishes can be quite therapeutic)
*Positive self talk that reminds me of my strengths.
*Bunches of hugs and cuddles
*Mini temper tantrums during which I would jump up and down, pound the mattress and rant about what was stewing and brewing.
*Crying ….lots and lots of crying.
Some not so startling revelations have arisen. The first is that I am human and am going to have uncomfortable feelings in my lifetime and no amount of attempting to sweep them under the rug will keep them from impacting me. I have the right to experience them in whatever manner they show up, with the caveat that I not use them to harm myself or anyone else. Covering over my vulnerability is like a little kid who hides under the blanket with the idea that if she can’t see you, then you won’t know she is under there. People haven’t gone away because I have shown them this aspect of me. Many have stepped up and offered a helping hand when I have felt like I was slipping over the edge. I also found myself swimming in love soup. I have come to realize even more powerfully how much love I have in my life and how it sustains me.
As I have been feeling like I am on this side of sanity, I am grateful.