At any given moment, it seems like I have a gazillion thoughts running rampant in my mind. They sometimes remind me of pick up stix. I have heard that the human brain experiences approximately 70,000 thoughts every day. Sometimes they are so subtle that we don’t even notice them. At this moment, mine are “oh, I notice the clicks of my fingers on the keys, the coo of the mourning dove outside my window, my stomach growling pre-breakfast, that I have alot to get done today, including this article, a coaching client at 11, going into the office for the rest of the day, noticing a sheer vest that I had washed last night, hanging to dry on the spiral staircase that I see from my open bed room door, and that I need to restart the dryer to dry the rest of the clothes that I had put in last night, that I need to run some errands before the client appointment, that a car door just closed, the gentle hum of the laptop, a slight sense of fatigue after a long weekend away….” And so it goes. Interesting as I consider it, that those thoughts are what I would deem ‘positive’…good start to my day. There are certainly times throughout the day when they give way to frustrating, uggghhhh, how the heck did THAT happen, what was I thinking, come on Universe, let’s get it together mental meanderings. It’s then that I remember that just as Dorothy always had it within her to whisk herself from Oz to Kansas, so too do I have the means to bring myself back home.
This weekend I both attended and spoke at the CCBC Women’s Conference in Catonsville, MD. There were likely thousands of folks there over the two day span with a central message of empowerment. I was on stage the first day, offering a message called Peeling Off The Layers To Reveal The Goddess In The Mirror. As is often the case, even if I have an agenda, outline, some general idea of what I want to say, I find myself ‘ordering off the menu’, getting beckoned to share something that may seem like a non-sequitur, but people somehow follow along, nodding and smiling. I call it being in the flow and just loving the process wherever it leads me. I offered to the group that sometimes I don’t feel like the image of a Goddess and on my way over Saturday morning, I wondered why my shirt felt funny. I looked down and noticed that it was on backward. I went into the bathroom to turn it around and take a pre-presentation pee and saw that my underwear was on inside out! That I left as is. No such thing as TMI between friends and who knows how many readers here.
One of the organizers, Ginny Presley Robertson was speaking about the concept of Getting Out Of Your Own Way. I sat with rapt attention, since at times, I am the most boulder- like blockage in my own path. She said something that triggered a thought in my head, that we all have ‘perception deficit disorder’ which is indeed a close cousin to attention deficit disorder. What we perceive becomes our default reality. When I look at people and circumstances through the eyes of fear or doubt, the world beceomes a scary place with monsters lurking around every corner. When I shift perception (which is the way A Course In Miracles defines a miracle), the monsters disappear in a puff of smoke and to quote my favorite line from Neverending Story, “It’s like the nothing ever was.”
This is a deceptively simple concept and yet how often do we pretend that it isn’t so? We may tell ourselves that life will be ever so much better when things change…when we grow up and move out, when we have a loving partner, the job of our dreams, the slim, trim, svelte body we desire (ours or someone else’s), graduate college, make a six or seven figure income, live in a home that would be the envy of the neighborhood, drive a stylin’ car, have a gorgeous wardrobe….. It’s that endless search for gratification outside of ourselves that we think will fill us up and only has us hungering for more, never satisfied.
I get sucked into that endless cycle hamster wheel at times as well and then I remind myself how rich and juicy life is when experienced moment by moment. As I’m typing these words into my laptop at my dining room table, there is a vase of wilted flowers with closed roses and literally two open pink and white flora whose name escapes me at the moment, listening to Canadian artist Feist singing “How Come You Never Go There?” in her bluesy, hip swaying, eyes closed manner and sipping blueberry acai green tea as I wind down my day. It started out heading into my job as a drug and alcohol counselor and then home in time to host my radio show called It’s All About Relationships on Vivid Life Radio and interviewing sacred sexuality teacher Sarita who was calling in from France where it was 1 a.m. and she ran through the snow to a neighbor’s house to use his land line since her internet was down and she couldn’t call in via skype. Such dedication to keeping her commitment. An hour later, I listened to the replay and smiled with delight and felt extremely blessed to be able to speak to people worldwide as I’m sitting in my suburban Philly home, just as the words that come through me are being read by folks in countries I may never visit except in my vivid imagination.
Tomorrow I am heading to Virginia and Maryland to attend a workshop taught by a California based spiritual teacher/healer friend and then speaking at a women’s conference. That is part of my on stage without a rehearsal life. The truth is, we really don’t need a rehearsal to be our genuine, crystal clear selves, living with spontaneity and authenticity. We can become improvisational livers and lovers of life. Enjoy your weekend to the fullest. Catch you on the other side of it.
http://youtu.be/-hQ3QsGd3BU How Come You Never Go There?- Feist
My new word too, Karen. Each day, we are faced with change and choice. While we may have no choice about the circumstances that come our way, we always have the option to determine via our free will, what we do with it. Often we spend so much time bemoaning our fate that we aren’t left with enough energy to change it. Today while at work, some of my clients were discussing this very subject. We were playing what I think of as the “Thank God, I…..” game in which we are able to take a look at circumstances that were painful, challenging and unthinkable and sort them and come up with the treasure in the muck, the pony in manure, the….well, you get the picture. There is actually a book by that name in which the authors of the chapters including my friend Susan Burger (her Chapter was called Thank God My Best Friend Died) wrote about loss of life, job, health, safety, freedom. Titles include :Thank God I Was Raped, Thank God I Lost My Mind, Thank God I Had Cancer, Thank God I Lost My Dream Job and Found My Dream. I know it’s difficult to imagine in any way being grateful for those experiences, but consider times in your life in which the worst of things became the best of things.
I was speaking with someone today about being able to sort through what most would consider tough situations in my life that these days are simply an integrated part of all that I am…an ectopic pregnancy, an ill (for 6 years) spouse, losing a home and a business to a hurricane, all in one year. The Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory measures stress related life events and assigns point values to them. In 1992, the year I just described, I accumulated 332 points (and it didn’t take into account Hurricane Andrew!) which was way over the top. In 1998, the year Michael died, I racked up 334 points. According to this scale, it’s amazing that I remained sane and vertical. I attribute much of that to learned resilience, a deep and abiding faith and steadfast and loving family and friends that are with me to this day.
What I now recognize is the ‘blesson’ in the mess. If not for those experiences, I would not have become an interfaith minister, free lance journalist and bereavement counselor. I would likely be operating by theory, rather than direct experience. I wouldn’t have as many stories to tell and I wouldn’t be writing this words. And for all of that, I am grateful.
Someone said today that he compartmentalized his life to the point that he is running out of compartments. Boy, could I ever relate! It reminds me of the cubbies that we had in kindergarten where we stashed our lunchboxes, prized items for show and tell, our blankies for nap time, coats and mittens, only as an adult I have a compartment for work, play, health, relationships, home, money, creativity, writing, reading, car, losses, challenges and more, I’m sure. I would like to think that I neatly stash them, folded and pressed like so many clean sheets. I could never master the art of folding the fitted sheet, and in much the same way, I can’t seem to keep all of those aspects of my life from lopping over the edges of the compartments and merging with the others.
Take grief, for example. I have attempted to maintain it in its nice, safe little box, having been widowed at 40 and now an adult orphan since my dad died in 2008 and my mom joined him in 2010. In the service of keepin’ on keepin’ on, I packaged up my feelings of grief and wrapped it up with a pretty bow (sky blue pink with a yellow border as my mother used to say whenever someone asked her favorite color) that looks like functionality, working with other people’s losses rather than facing my own, counseling other bereaved folks rather than denying that mine aren’t so bad, since my parents taught me how to be resilient and it was their time and they had lived full, rich lives and weren’t suffering anymore. I write about them regularly and think about them multiple times throughout the day. It is a blessing to be able to put fingers to keyboard to assuage my grief and yet, a good cry wouldn’t be such a bad thing at times. I wonder what keeps me from just letting the tears flow. It feels surrealistic at times to think that they are not here physically, even as I feel their presence a good deal of the time.
I’m task oriented so as to keep the various aspects of my busy life in alignment, moving sometimes seamlessly from one to another, congratulating myself for the simplest things such as folding clothes, emptying the dishwasher, putting gas in the Jeep, driving to my counseling job, writing this article as I check them off the ever growing list of to-do’s. When unanticipated items jump into the empty spaces, I dispatch them as well.
Seems to me that it is about balance so that when (as I mentioned in a previous blog entry) life gets lifey, I have room to hold it all. A place for everything and everything in its place.