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eyerainbow

Finally, I can see my way past a stye in my left eye that for the past week has impaired my vision with its stop signal red glowing lump. When it first appeared,  I figured it would dissipate in a day or so. Not so, as it got alarmingly larger and filled with gunk. I researched home remedies since I had no desire to take medication if it was not needed. Warm compresses and over the counter ointment were the first round of treatment. When it worsened, I visited my friendly Physician Assistant who suggested that I continue my current regimen and add an oral and topical antibiotic.  I willingly surrendered and began to notice a slight improvement. One of the other recommendations was to avoid makeup, so for that period, I complied. Not normally one to wear a whole lot of it anyway, and that which I do use is cruelty-free/not tested on animals, it wasn’t too much of a challenge to my vanity. Still, I felt a need to explain the alteration in my appearance. Many people responded that they too had fallen prey to the bump that is caused by bacterial infection. I tossed my old eye makeup and mascara in anticipation of when I can wear it again. I also needed to overcome the slight fear that I would look like this forever. What I know for sure is that every ailment I have ever had has resolved.

As someone who believes that biological ailments are more than a collection of physical symptoms that are treated externally, I went inward to ask what it was about emotionally/spiritually. What I came up with is the biblical quote about focusing on the speck of dust in someone else’s eye when I have a plank in mine. I also questioned what it was that I didn’t want to see. The first is that there are times when I am judgmental about the ways people live. I feel justified in my discernment that people who deliberately cause harm to the planet and its inhabitants, plain and simple, shouldn’t. Most powerfully, the choices our administration (and those who support it) makes fitting that description. I can feel seething (much like the bump in my eyelid) anger and a desire to call them out on their attitudes and actions. There are times when this peacemaker who intends to see people through the eyes of love, views them instead through blurred visual apparatus that feeds the fire rather than extinguishes it. I also don’t want to see myself as limited in any way. In the past few years, a series of health challenges has had me slowing down even as I resist that necessity. I still work out at the gym and am training for a 5k in September and in the midst, feel the fear that my breathing will slow me down as it does when I am on the treadmill or am walking fast paced uphill.  I tend to minimize my challenges since I reason that others have far more severe impediments in their way. My father used to guide me with the words, “If that’s the worst thing that happens to you, you’ll be okay.” Mixed message, that one, since while it seems supportive, I internalized the idea that I had nothing to feel badly about…ever.

I also don’t want to see myself as limited in any way. In the past few years, a series of health challenges has had me slowing down even as I resist that necessity. I still work out at the gym and am training for a 5k in September and in the midst, feel the fear that my breathing will slow me down as it does when I am on the treadmill or am walking fast paced uphill.  I tend to minimize my challenges since I reason that others have far more severe impediments in their way. My father used to guide me with the words, “If that’s the worst thing that happens to you, you’ll be okay.” Mixed message, that one, since while it seems supportive, I internalized the idea that I had nothing to feel badly about…ever.

Another revelation came courtesy of a friend yesterday. After listening to me tell her how lately I have felt overwhelmed with people calling on me for support; some with chronic issues for which they saw no resolution and some who tended to ‘one up’, as in ‘my problems are worse than other’s,’ she pondered whether I had been taking on the energy until my body reacted by attempting to expel it through my eye. Made sense to me. Once I took in that wisdom, my body complied and cleared out the toxins (not wanting to get too graphic in my description, but suffice it to say that it wasn’t pretty) so that the lump is considerably smaller.

As I go out into my new day, my intention is to see the world and the people in it through the crystal clear eyes of love.

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