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memo

Today’s theme is around relationships as I spent time on the phone speaking with friends about the roller coaster ride journey most of us are on with regard to one of the most important aspects of this human incarnation. One just ended a seven-month experience the second time around with a man and the other is in a polyamorous relationship with someone who has been in her life a brief period of time and there are issues that are troubling to her. Some friends have health issues that they are facing, others still, financial and career challenges.

All of these people are adept at summoning most of what they want in their lives. I find myself in those paradigms as well at the moment. They, like me, use the Law of Attraction to call to us our hearts’ desires.  Even in the midst of this, each of us bumps up against human limitation. We cast desires out into what Abraham-Hicks refers to as ‘the vortex‘ and need to wait for them to return as if they were boomerangs. Sometimes they come back to us in the form we expect and at others, polar-opposite of what we have asked for. That’s what is referred to as a WTF moment in which we are left shaking our heads asking, “Who thought this one up?” That’s when I question whether it makes sense in any form. Only afterward, can I gain some perspective and understand  THAT’S why that person or experience has come to me in the way they did. I still want it to be easy and flowing, especially when it feels frustrating and daunting. “Come on, God/Goddess/All That Is, can’t it just be easy? I promise to do my part, now you do yours.” There are times, as I view the Source as an external energy, that either gives me what I want or deprives me of my desires. When I am in that mindset, I feel limited and helpless. When I perceive myself as part of that divine force, the more control I have and know that is futile to resist what shows up since I have been complicit with its co-creation. It is also when I get feisty with the Universe, and almost demand to know why what I have asked for has not appeared as summoned. Another skill I have developed is creating in my mind, particular scenarios that play out step by step as I have seen it. With it come the cautionary thoughts that it be for the Highest Good and that all involved have free will. And, who doesn’t want what they want when they want it?

My friends and I all agreed that clearly, the Divine didn’t get the memo. After all, we have laid the foundation, provided the grunt work, planted the seeds, done everything we are told needed to be done and then surrendered outcome. Even so, we sometimes face what we perceive as unanswered prayers.

In my case, I find myself in existential dilemmas not always certain which way to turn. Since the cardiac event in 2014, I do live heart forward, as if each day could be my last. The quandary with that remains, ‘what if it isn’t?’ I don’t want to be irresponsible and leave a mess in my wake that someone else might need to clean up. Analytical at times and too much in my head, I ruminate over which way to turn. I ask myself if I can’t just enjoy the moment, reading the book page by page without feeling compelled to read the last one and see how the story ends. I query the wisdom of my choices….if this, then that. How about all the what ifs and if only second guessing that I do?  Spinning my wheels ceaselessly as if I was stuck in a snow bank. It gets exhausting.

After all this time, I am still more in question than answer mode. Maybe I’m the one who needs to re-write the memo.

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