Today I was speaking with a woman I now think of as a ‘heart sister’. Her name is Katelyn Mariah and we initially connected on Facebook. We share a pivotal event that changed our lives forever. Mine occurred nearly two years ago in Pennsylvania and hers something like two months ago in Minnesota. The trajectory  we were each on led to an inevitable outcome. Both were ‘heart-broken-open’ experiences that manifested in the form of a cardiac condition. Both had us questioning nearly every aspect of our lives. As I observed her journey that she explained in various postings, I found myself nodding in recognition. Our histories are similar in some ways, divergent in others. We had each worked in the mental health field and had a predisposition to care-taking and self sacrifice. As we chatted today, we acknowledged as well that we are independent women who have had a challenge being in receptivity mode with others, particularly men.

One of the dynamics I have been exploring lately is that of the undefended heart. For so many years, I had kept mine pseudo-safe under a protective shield, kind of like bubble wrap that would pop if you squeezed too hard.

So many heart-revelations over the past few days. Realizing, as I approach my second cardiaversary on June 12th, that for many years, I had kept my heart sheltered, shuttered, armored and shielded. It might not have appeared that way to others, since I do my best to be ‘open-hearted’ out in the world. Only those who know me well, have seen what a challenge it is at times to remain visible and vulnerable. Scary stuff. I make it look like I have it all together, fearing that if people saw behind the curtain, they wouldn’t trust me or feel safe with me. I have been the go-to person, the liaison, the link, the connector, the rock to lean on. That is such a dichotomy, since I relish that role. I want to be seen, known and loved for who I am, not just what I do. I need to do that for myself too. My pattern has been to allow myself to have ‘almost’ what I want and get right to the edge and then it changes and I need to adjust. It has been so in relationships and career mostly. It feels like a tease from the Universe, but then I remind myself that is not some external force at work. It is me and my own limiting beliefs that I need to face. It carries along with it, a sense of embarrassment for wanting what I don’t have.

The way the heart works is that there needs to be both an inflow and outflow of blood. I am willing to receive the inflow of love as well.