On Saturday, I began my day in retrospective musing. Listening to Ellis Paul singing Dragonfly
on Sleepy Hollow
to greet the sun. Was reading earlier entries down my time line on Facebook and marveled at how far I have come since everything changed with the ‘cardiac event’ on June 12th. It was one of those ‘thank God I…’ experiences. If not for that happening I would likely (who am I kidding? DEFINITELY) still be running a gazillion miles an hour, to what end? To prove what? I am recognizing that workaholism can be as insidious an addiction as any other since it attempts to convince me that my worth is based on my productivity and results, rather than just my BEINGNESS. The insanity of it has me shaking my head in bemusement.
On Friday at cardiac rehab, even though I was drenched in sweat, pushing as hard as I could, I still felt disappointed that I hadn’t reached the goals I had set for myself. My lovely rehab coach, Suzanne reassured me that I was more than meeting goals overall since I began; in workout time both there and at home, in intensity and METS (not the baseball team:)-Metabolic equivalents which measures efficiency of workouts. In the process of healing, I am giving myself permission to nap, sleep later if need be, step back from activity if the message is to do so. I am re-evaluating my schedule, adapting as I am called to do. My new job provides the latitude to write at varying hours; not restricted to certain times, so I can respond to the call of the Muse. I have less fear of ‘letting people down’ by saying no or asking to renegotiate agreements. The frantic spinning of the plates that I believed would cause the world to come crashing out of orbit if I put them down, has ceased. I evaluate my choices one by one, rather than in clumps. I break down tasks into manageable bits instead of multi-tasking more of the time. I feel a sense of accomplishment with small things like laundry and dishes or organizing my meds into a nice, neat little rows in the pill tender. Some days that almost feels like enough. I am savoring life in ways that I wasn’t capable of doing before. Breathing in life, bathing in bliss, not just talking the talk, but truly walking the walk, except when I am kicking back and putting my feet up.
I am trusting more readily that all works by Divine Design. My needs are always met. Even in the midst of challenges, I am learning the art of surrender. Ahh~