As I am in the middle of the fifth decade of my life, the world has become a patchwork quilt of experiences. In the last 55 years, I have splashed in puddles of joy and gasped for air while feeling like I was drowning in sorrow. I have been clutched by fear and basked in light. Through it all, I have been buoyed in an ocean of love. I have often denied pain in the service of keeping on keeping on. It was a temporary fix that led me to confusion. It takes courage to face loss. In the past few months, several people I know have died. As we age, that happens. I just wonder on some level, if they had completed their ‘assignments’ and were ready to move on. I question why some (like me) survive life challenging conditions and continue to live. Is it because I still have more work to do?
I have never experienced depression; although I have had a few dark nights of the soul. A month or so ago, as I was reading journals from as far back as the late 1970’s, I was shocked to recall that there was a time back in the 90’s when in the midst of major shifts (ectopic pregnancy, Michael’s diagnosis of Hep C and the loss of our home to Hurricane Andrew, business challenges, as well as marital discord), I had mused about ‘what if I wasn’t here anymore?’ I had no plan or intent; just a fleeting thought which I promptly dismissed. I can say with certainty that I am glad I stuck around, since my life has been a veritable buffet of delights. People, experiences, accomplishments, creative endeavors have enriched this existence, so that when my time comes, I will feel as if I haven’t missed much.
There are some who don’t feel that way and wonder if things will ever ease up. They seem to be caught in the swamp of despair. They may forget that they survived initial trauma and travail and can make it through the aftermath. What helps me to move past my own sometimes clinging doubt is the certainty that God/Goddess/All That Is has got my back. Listening to this song helps too. I love this cover of the Peter Gabriel piece.