Had an insight today that had me laughing at the perfect absurdity while speaking with my friend Gail Lynne Goodwin from Inspire Me Today. She had called to offer loving support with the roller coaster ride that has been my life of late, and we were musing about being adult orphans since both sets of our parents have died in the last 6 years. Since my dad’s passing in 2008 and my mom’s in 2010, I have ridden waves of grief and relief, of missing them achingly and experiencing gratitude that I had them in my life for as long as I did (84 and 86 respectively), of wishing for our daily phone calls and delighting that I don’t need a telephone to speak to them since they are only a thought away. I am also clear that I haven’t allowed myself full permission to feel the myriad emotions that come when parents die. As a bereavement counselor for many years, I know the processes people go through and I have kept my feelings ‘safely’ buried in the service of functioning. We can only keep a beach ball under water for so long before it pops back up. Clearly, I have been attempting to hold several under the surface for a long time and my arms are getting mighty tired.
I was telling Gail about my mother being ‘the rock’ of the family and among her friends on which everyone leaned and I inherited that tendency. She used to say she had ‘ broad shoulders.” I used to tell her that rocks crumble and that she didn’t always have to be the one with the answers. I didn’t listen to my own insight and continued to play that role personally and professionally. As I was saying those words out loud, it was then that I had a ‘holy shift moment’ as I considered that the kidney stones I had passed over the weekend were a part of me that were now crumbling, dissolving and being expelled from my body. I relinquish the rock role.
Got the message Universe. I would rather mine for gold than stones unless they look like this one.
Photo credit: Edie Weinstein