Lately, I have been more acutely aware of the connection between the cardiac muscle that keeps blood pumping through my body and sustains this corporeal existence and the emotional center that has made my thus far, more than 55 years on the planet worthwhile. Going on month two of my new life, post heart attack. Moving still at times, with Zen-like slowness, I am not allowing experience to zip by like scenery through a car window on a cross country road trip. Instead, I am taking notice of the most minute details of conversations, breathing in the meaning of words. Speaking more softly, of necessity, since breathing, walking and talking require intention at the moment. Becoming more yin and less yang, which had been skewed in the other direction before. I thought I had to move heart-forward, wearing it like a shield, because, I reasoned that if people could see it, like the big S on Superman’s chest, then they wouldn’t have to guess who was standing before them. The good news is that it brought friends, readers, clients and students into my life. The bad news, is that it had me believing that I needed to keep putting out, reaching out, striving, and efforting in order to maintain those relationships. Just as blood doesn’t flow one way in the physiological heart, neither does love flow only one way in healthy and sustained relationships.
Sadly, I have needed to step away from relationships in which it seemed that there was way more going out than coming in. The hope is that there will come a time when the parties involved will be willing to invest their hearts in our interactions and I welcome them back in. Since I have been in receptivity mode, I have witnessed huge changes in terms of the flow of good in my life. New people, opportunities to travel, teach and write, as well as deeper spiritual exploration, arrive daily. Sleep, blessed sleep, has been a more frequent visitor, whereas a month or so ago it eluded me, playing hide and seek.
As I was packing up my office to leave a job I had for the past two years, I found two quotes that inspired me then and even more now.
“Everything in my life responds to the song of the heart.”-Ernest Holmes
“Every single day, do something that makes your heart sing.”-Marcia Wieder
This morning, as I was up before dawn, I am in awe of the music of life-not just the birdsong outside my bedroom window, but the bunny who huddled on the lawn, the tunes emanating from the radio, the awareness that my heart is beating rhythmically and propelling me out into the day in which I will interact with new friends and expand my world that much more.