Saw a declaration today with the words Stop the Glorification of Busyemblazoned on it. This wasn’t the first time I noticed that instruction, but it was indeed the first time I really took heed, since they were the perfect description of the way in which I engaged with life. For as long as I could remember, even as a child, I was always doing something. Always into something; a whirling dervish of activity, whether mental or physical. Maybe that’s one reason why I identified more readily with the roadrunner than the coyote. The Energizer Bunny and Tigger were among my totem animals, apparently. I had this internalized belief that if I sat still for too long, it would upset the balance in the Universe and create a ‘disturbance in the Force’. Productivity was of the utmost importance to me. I felt as if I had to prove myself, earn my keep, maintain the spinning wheel, keep on keeping on…or else…..what? I had no clue. I feared not being able to support myself if I slacked off. When the big cardiac wake up call arrived, I was sidelined for a few weeks and paradoxically low stress flows of income have been finding their way to me. By doing less, I am bringing in more.
It also came to me, that I no longer am wanting anything from anyone that they aren’t offering freely from the heart. No more seduction, coercion, or even subtle manipulation in order to have needs met. I am willing to ask for what I want, knowing that I may not receive it from any particular person in the form I desire it, but I am certain that if it is for my Highest Good and theirs, then it will show up.
I surrender the destructive belief that I need to keep treading water, tap dancing or spinning ceaselessly to prove myself to anyone. It is such a relief to let that one go. I used to joke that I was ‘functionally manic’. Now I see that I over-functioned to cover a fear that I was not performing at a high enough level. Was enough ever going to be enough? Not likely. It has taken the past two weeks post heart attack to be truly grateful that it occurred as it did, since I know that I would have continued to maintain that insane pace until I crashed and burned.
When I got home from work tonight, on my front lawn were two little visitors. Normally there is only one little lop eared brown critter greeting me. This time, he or she had brought company and both sat and blinked at me, rather than scooting away. A gentle reminder that I can be still and silent as well and not just a busy bunny.
Photo credit- Beverly and Pack- The Energizer Bunny Hot Air Balloon, larger than the Statue of Liberty/flickr.com