I was in some kinda mood today based on a series of events. Generally my disposition is sunny and my thought process focused on what I do want, rather than on what I don’t want. I have been stewing lately about the age old litany of ‘not enough.’ As much as I have been putting my heart and soul into what I do for so many years, I still feel as if I am not where I want to be on my self designed success scale. I was speaking with a friend tonight about this dilemma that has me feeling as if I am on a hamster wheel going nowhere. It isn’t even like one of those little plastic exercise balls that they can roll around in that at least can move them about on the floor. I likened my experience to a vending machine in which I place my shiny coins, press the button for oh, let’s say a Peppermint Patty. At that moment, what should slide down the chute but an Almond Joy Bar? Don’t get me wrong, I do like coconut and almonds and chocolate in combination, but it wasn’t what I ordered. Can’t the universal vending machine get it right?
In my mindset, I ‘do the right thing’, work hard, plant seeds, follow through, am conscientious, adept at what I do most of the time, keep deadlines, have all sorts of creative ideas, am reliable, ask for what I want, am easy to work with, low maintenance, entertaining on stage, insightful with clients, provide valuable service, blah blah blah…and yet….
Wondering about the origin of this pattern. Growing up, I had plenty of love, attention, affection, food, clothing, shelter, opportunities, toys, books, family trips. Nothing lacking. I ask myself if it is ego wailing that it isn’t getting enough attention? Nope, don’t think so. It is more what the recognition symbolizes; that the world values my work as much as I do and compensates the education and service commensurate with its value.
On the road today, I saw a church marquee that spoke to my heart and calmed my screeching fear-thoughts. “Trust an unknown future to a known God.” My Higher Power has never let me down, always has my back and sometimes likes to change things up a bit, even substituting an Almond Joy for a Peppermint Patty. Even so, I can ‘get the sensation’…..ahhhhh~