Had the inclination to post this on my Facebook page about an hour ago.
“Noticing since I had the heart cracking open experience last week, that I have been feeling an existential loneliness that I haven’t had for a long time. I feel loved, appreciated, supported by the Universe and the people in my life and yet, there is a wistfulness, a longing. Ever feel that way?”
Immediately friends (some from my face to face world and some cyber-but-still-heart-connected) chimed in with their responses. Most have indeed felt that way from time to time and for some, it is a consistent way of being. They encouraged me to be present with it, and allowing myself to surrender to the state I was in. How does one sustain that feeling when I am finding it challenging to sit with it for even a brief moment since it began? I have heard it called ‘being homesick for God’. The weird thing is that I know on a conscious, cognitive level that I am indeed never away from the Divine, never apart from it, always a part OF it. I have no doubt that the God of my understanding understands me in return. I have spent decades immersed in spiritual practice; from prayer to drumming, from meditation to yoga, from dance to tantra, from writing to chanting, from reading to creating healing rituals for myself and others. Maybe it was in preparation for this…whatever this is.
Most of my professional life is spent encouraging and guiding people in coming out of the closet in which they have hidden their true selves. Although hanging out in a closet might feel safe and secure for a short time, ultimately it can get cluttered and stifling. Better still to take a stand for my freedom and not just beckon others to come out from their own self imposed confinement. I know we teach what we need to learn, so this is my growing edge.
Several had said that my being human and vulnerable invites others to share and I imagine that I am also safer than I would have been had I continued on the same path on which I had been treading. When I am genuine, people know and it brings them in closer. Some have declared, with a sense of relief “Welcome to the human experience!” My friend Ondreah who has just returned from a two week retreat in Arizona for the I AM heart -Institute For Applied Meditation on the Heart, created by Susanna and Puran Bair is positively gleeful that I am swimming in a pool of tears. Loving friends all.
There are times when it feels like paddling about in a cavern, much like I experienced in Mexico many years ago, that had echoing limestone walls. There were times when I was fearful (even though I had been a lifeguard for years and a competitive swimmer since I was 11) of diving down into the warm water, uncertain what might be lying beneath the surface. At other moments, I playfully splashed about. What I learned is that I can do both. Wanting to remember that now. It will never only be deep or shallow emotionally.
Although I love the poetry of Rumi, I had not seen this one and it was planted on my page by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (she who wrote the classic The Invitation) in response to my posting.
One night a man was crying,
His lips grew sweet with the praising,
until a cynic said,
“So! I have heard you
calling out, but have you ever
gotten any response?”
The man had no answer to that.
He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.
He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
in a thick, green foliage.
“Why did you stop praising?”
“Because I’ve never heard anything back.”
you express is the return message.”
The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness
that wants help
is the secret cup.
Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.
There are love dogs
no one knows the names of.
Give your life
to be one of them.”
My response was that the dogs are definitely howling~ ahhhhwooooooo~