I Will Not Die An Unlived Life
by Dawna Markova
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, a
nd that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.
While meandering through this day, after seeing clients and doing some writing, I came upon this poem that I have read countless times, but today, in particular, it leapt out at me from my computer screen, beckoning to be shared with you. In the newly blossomed year, I have become increasingly courageous, facing fears, flying, falling, catching on emotional and spiritual fire; not burning to a crisp, but alight with ideas and inspiration. I have allowed day to day living to open me to more love than I ever imagined. Sometimes the openings had me torn asunder, the broken places cracking me to my core so that I could rebuild. Never in a million years had I figured my life as it is now. Married at 28, mothering at 30, widowed at 40, orphaned at 52, career adaptations and shifts by the millisecond, it seems. Called on to shift gears and perceptions, depending on who is before me. Today it is those clients recovering from addictions that they are now facing with their own particular brand of courage; some loving their recovery and the spiritual practice it engenders, treating it like a Beloved, and one who I joked with was just ‘dating’ his recovery and getting to know it, since it so new to him.
We spoke about the God moments we have, during which we are certain that we are tapped in to the Source that created and sustains us. We pondered the nature of God, (in 12 step referred to as “The God of our understanding”) and for me that shifts many times a day. I don’t consider myself a religious person, but rather a spiritual person who lets my words and actions speak for me and my beliefs. I have no desire to convince anyone that my way is right for anyone but myself. I am in awareness of God-essence most of the time. One of my clients asked today why it is that we forget. Spiritual amnesia is what I call it. I am brought back to mindfulness by people, nature, music, inspiration from many sources. Today, laughter was part of my luscious living experience as co-workers and I were cracking up over, who knows what? We just felt a need to be silly in the midst of the vicarious stress we experience when sitting with clients who share their stories with us in session.
My luscious life includes dancing and making music with friends, playing with 2 year old Collin (my son’s girlfriend’s little one) dressed in flannel Mickey Mouse p.j’s this morning before leaving for the office, writing these words, planning my radio show, playouts at the gym, creating miracles at the speed of thought.
I welcome the fruits of such experience…..crunch…..slurp….