Tonight after a sweaty ‘playout’ at the gym, I was washing my face and a woman about a decade older than me limps into the bathroom, smiling and grimacing simultaneously. Knowing nods passed between us and she commented the her legs felt like noodles and I added something about the proverbial line of feeling ouchies in muscles I didn’t know I had. I have been going to the Judgement Free Zone (a.k.a. Planet Fitness) for the past 3 years somewhere between 3-6 days a week, depending on my schedule and motivation level. Each time I go, I feel a sense of pride that I am able to stretch and strengthen this 54 year old body that I plan to have working well into the 6th, 7th, 8th and who knows….even 9th decade. I told this woman, who introduced herself as Wally (and then on the way out, met her partner Bob), that my parents were fitness oriented and as a result, they were relatively healthy octogenarians until Parkinsons swept my father away at 84 and CHF took my mother at 86. Meandering slowly through the parking lot, I engaged in a ritual reinforcing my endeavors, saying “Good job, woman!” As I said the words, I realized that I didn’t believe it and that if it was a ‘good job’, I would be even more flexible, slimmer, trimmer, stronger, more energetic than I am now. Then on the heels was the perpetual question, “When will enough be enough for you?” and “Where the heck did that come from, since no one in your childhood was hard on you?” I had no answer for it, except to consider something that a friend mentioned a month or so ago. She felt as if she had been holding herself and those in her life hostage with her expectations of who she and who they ‘should be’ and that she was releasing the hostages. I have held myself hostage for so long, that just like prisoners and concentration camp survivors who walked into freedom, I’m not sure I would know how to BE in the world without those excessive demands.
Waking up after 6 hours of sleep last night, I went to services at Circle of Miracles. The speaker today was Jason Taylor Morgan who shared on the topic: Energetically Breaking Through Human-Centric Thinking and the Conditioned Human Brain. A mouthful and mind-full set of concepts. Jason does energy healing work and has assisted people in moving past limiting beliefs and conditioning. He had experiences in childhood; some painful and some positively empowering that fuel his current work. Part of the service involves Q & A and I asked him how he maintains the health and sanity of the human container even as he taps into all of this psychic energy. His response included getting ample rest and trusting the Universe. Since a portion of my work involves some of the same dynamics as that of Jason, I was curious about how to balance all of those energetic shifts I have been experiencing as well. His answer resonated so strongly since I don’t often take time out to rest and rejuvenate and my faith in the Universe shifts as well. There is an underlying knowing that all is well, but occasionally there are cracks in the foundation that need tending, lest I come tumbling down.
So, just for now, I am declaring the ‘enough is enough’ and I will ‘sleep in heavenly peace’ tonight.