Love is a birthing and sustaining Force, the impetus for all creation, the companion on the life path that we all traverse. We are taught that it looks a certain way and reflects particular types of relationships. It is my contention that it is the peanut butter and jelly on whole grain bread of existence. Simple, stick to the ribs, nourishing, doesn’t need to be fancy to be appreciated. It has long fascinated me since I was born into a family where it was a given. I never questioned or doubted that I was loved. A small immediate family and large extended family, we swam in ‘ love soup’. Not that I ever took it for granted, but accepted it as my birthright. Interesting the trajectory my life took, teaching people that it is their birthright too. Sometimes they resist that truth. Sometimes I resist that truth and my cave thoughts (the dark, shadowy ones that echo against damp drippy walls) come roaring out.
Yesterday this train of thought ran riotously down the tracks:
“Grateful for friends who mirror and express what I most need to hear. Coming face to face with gremlins from the past who have been sneaking up on me, making snarly faces, attempting to scare me away from what I most want, telling me that it means sacrificing emotional safety and who I am to be loved and accepted. Learning that I have created this whole elaborate system of pseudo-protection with the illusion of security, when mostly what it does is keep me separate and holds the relationship I desire at bay. Easier to be on the outside as a therapist who works with couples, a minister who marries people, a writer who pens stuff about relationships and a facilitator of workshops that touch on the subject than immerse in the messy mucky sometimes shadowy stuff that come along with this human experience. Ooooppppsss, I just told on myself.”
Two of my friends called me out about these thoughts and feelings last night and reminded me to be authentic, self compassionate and accepting of all aspects of myself, rather than being judge, jury and jailer. I have been sitting with it all day today, as I watched my son and his girlfriend banter and enjoy each others’ company. I pondered it as I brought to mind the two celebrations of love I witnessed this weekend; one a party for two friends who had gotten married on Maui in
September and the other a wedding I officiated Christmas Eve for a friend I have known almost 12 years who has been with her husband 13 years and they took the leap this year.
During the first one, Patti and Michael re-enacted some of the ceremony and were asked questions about whether they would cause each other pain and push each others’ buttons, driving each other crazy. The answer was yes to each query, and yet would not be done intentionally. In an effort to avoid those inevitable aspects of human relationships, I have remained somewhat blissfully single even as my heart and soul have sent out invitations for the partner with whom I want to share my
life. How can this person show up if the welcome mat hasn’t fully been out? Those limiting, play it safe thoughts have been keeping it covered with crunchy leaves; the ones that tell me I can’t have it all….the relationship AND the creative work that nourishes me. A year and some months ago, a psychic told me that my relationship will be with my Muse. My question was whether she meant that this person will also be my creative inspiration or whether the creative force itself will
be my partner. She never answered it, but thus far, I have sensed it was the latter. When my now 25 year old son Adama was a little boy and was asked to choose between two flavors of ice cream, he said he would have “Both of each.” I would like that too, please.
My mother used to check in with me daily via phone, (now she does it on the Spiritual hotline) since she lived in Ft. Lauderdale and I am in the Philly area. She would sometimes ask “How’s your love life?” to which I would respond, “Great! I love life.” She would then laugh and say “You know what I mean.” In this year, it is my intention to embrace love in all forms, including that shared with the partner for whom I have been preparing as the One has been preparing for me.
Couldn’t decide which song to choose….so I choose both of each: